Giant Sissy Bitch.

This is the backstory for why I was holding a knife and covered in blood from collar-bone to ankles by 8am every day.  I was the kitchen manager at Lone Star Steakhouse and Saloon.  In order to be a front-of-the-house manager, I had to be a back-of-the-house manager first. I was at work by 6am, […]

I do not have weed in my freezer

I’m not into that, but I am into fresh herbs. This simple concoction of Italian parsley, thyme, rosemary (and garlic) makes everything taste like you care – hooray! Chop them finely, strain the parsley with cheesecloth, add salt and pepper and bread crumbs to keep it from getting soggy.  Done. Prepping food is the most time […]

The only time finding money is bad

Laundry is peaceful for me.  There’s an unspoken satisfaction in it – a loving task for my family.  Clean clothes are hung in the appropriate closets, and others are properly folded and placed into the correct drawers. In my heart I silently sing:  Beautiful people, you have all that you need; go forth and prosper! […]

How to be a superhero in one day

Raise your hand if this has happened to you: You know a birthday is coming up. You intend to send a card. The birthday comes and goes. You think:  I can send a belated birthday card. Two more weeks pass. You think:  now it’s too late to send a card. I’m an asshole. ******** I […]

When did feminism get so dumb?

What’s up with all the man-hating on the internet these days?  Sure some men are fantastic assholes, but there are a lot of women assholes, too.  I’ve met them, and I’d say the ratio is around 50:50.  Men have not cornered the market on being jerks, and I think we could all stand a little […]

Questions People Never Ask

There are technically 100, but I reduced them to 60, which is clearly plenty of information… Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed.  Don’t be ridiculous. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? No because I’m a picky bitch and bring my own. Do you sleep with your […]

We need more raccoon cat rodeos and less bathroom corpses

I know this because Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, told me so in her AWESOME book, Furiously Happy, which you should buy immediately. She makes mental illness really funny!  That came out wrong but my instructions for this post were to “keep writing no matter what.”  I already want to put this draft in the trash, […]