My Teeth Have a New Boyfriend.

Nitrous Oxide should be plentiful in certain situations. Particularly parties, finance meetings, and dentistry. I’ve never experienced it in the first two, mainly because drugs are frowned upon where I work, but it’s an absolute necessity for the third.

For those of you just joining us, this is the follow-up to the recent shitty dental experience I had wherein I broke up with my dentist. Short story: she wouldn’t give me enough gas to prevent me wanting to punch her in the tit. So I left before any work was started. Her office was tacky anyway.

The next day the clouds parted and a glittery unicorn lead me to The Atlanta Dental Spa. It looks like this:

The front desk. — You’re greeted here by Kayleigh.

The sitting area. Priiittty. — You relax here while you wait for them to bring out the resort wear (in your imagination).

More seating. More priiittty. — You can also relax here while waiting for the resort wear to appear.

Refreshments and snacks - yay! — They have refreshments and snacks – yay!

Work station and entertainment for your designated driver. — Your designated driver can work or play here.

One of the water features. — The water features make you feel peaceful, and like you have to pee. They have stylish bathrooms.

It’s all so fabulous and civilized, it seems more like they’ll be taking you back to enjoy a hand-crafted cocktail and artisanal cheese plate rather than to jab needles in your gums. Trickery at it’s finest.

Also, everyone in the office wears black scrubs. Super chic, no?

Here are the Doctors.

Here are the Hygienists.

They’re a beautiful group of kind and talented people completely dedicated to your health and comfort. Totally dreamy, and spa-like.

Bonus: they give you enough gas to knock your anxiety-monkey nervous ass OUT. Then no one gets punched in the tit, teeth are lovely, and everyone’s happy. Hooray!

They also offer the fancy IV sedation version of knock your anxiety-monkey nervous ass REALLY, REALLY OUT. For some people this is the only way they will go to the dentist, even for a simple cleaning. Thus, our friends at The Atlanta Dental Spa are real heroes. Periodontal disease is no joke, y’all. That shit can kill you.

Let’s talk about money. I took one look at the place and went uh-huh, they charge three times as much for EVERYTHING. Wrong. Their prices are perfectly in line with what every other dentist in town charges. I’m a finance brat – you know I called my insurance company and went over every line of my proposed treatment plan. That’s impressive. It also means every other dentist sucks. Okay that was harsh, but seriously, no need to go to dental hell when you can go to dental heaven for the same price, hullloh.

So, my teeth are engaged to the Atlanta Dental Spa. We’re planning a lovely spring wedding in Monaco, at a venue that looks just like their office.

51 responses to “My Teeth Have a New Boyfriend.”

donofalltrades

Sep 10, 2013 at 7:46 am

My first nitrous experience was when I had my wisdom teeth pulled many moons ago. I remember going under while telling the hygienist how beautiful she was. Had I known how awesome it was going to be, I’d have had them yanked one at a time instead of all at once. Your place looks great. I’d not even mind being molestered while knocked out by those lovely teeth fixers!

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 12:20 pm
  
  Haha Don, right? I’m a fan of the gas, and ear buds. I don’t want to hear or see any of it please, and thank you.
  
  Reply
Escaping Elegance

Sep 10, 2013 at 8:27 am

This is the most beautiful health care office I have ever seen. I’m a little confused by the coffee and snacks. Those must be for the designated drivers, eh? Can’t imagine the Dream Team wants you popping in for your cleaning having just noshed in the waiting room!
Glad you found a place that suits you. I’m pretty blase about the whole dental thing and don’t even think my dentist offers gas… perhaps that’s an american thing?

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 12:21 pm
  
  I think you’re right – it must be for the designated drivers : ) What country are you in? I’m so excited to have a new international buddy!
  
  Reply
  1. Escaping Elegance
    
    Sep 10, 2013 at 3:27 pm
    
    Don’t get too excited… I’m only Canadian!
  2. mollytopia
    
    Sep 10, 2013 at 3:48 pm
    
    Gasp! Never say “only Canadian.” Some of my very favorite people are Canadian! Love : )
NotAPunkRocker

Sep 10, 2013 at 8:28 am

A dentist’s office with Coke in the fridge? LOL

My dentist’s office isn’t as fancy, but it was the first one I went to after years of waiting. Thankfully, he takes my sensitivity even during cleanings seriously and has changed my outlook on my checkups now. It also helps that he is very handsome and has a French accent, which distracts me from the procedure even further. 🙂

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 12:27 pm
  
  Well sure. Those are for the designated clients that they’re trying to turn into clients. Very smart business plan, no? I’m glad you have a nice dentist – hooray! Thanks for reading and chiming in. Your blue nails in yesterday’s post are fabulous!
  
  Reply
  1. NotAPunkRocker
    
    Sep 10, 2013 at 1:47 pm
    
    I agree, very smart! And thank you 🙂
Exile on Pain Street

Sep 10, 2013 at 9:00 am

Your dentist offers cans of Coke and Sprite while you wait?! Good for business, I suppose. Ah. Punk Rocker beat me to it.

I’ve never gotten the gas at the dentist. Always Novocain, the application of which causes me untold anguish. I’ll have to admit, though, that I HAVE used Nitrous Oxide recreationally. Once when I was in high school, we were huffing NO out of balloons in my friend’s wood paneled family room. In walked his dad, unexpectedly home early from work. He was a pharmacist and knew exactly what was going on. My friend said, “Hi dad!” but all I could make out was “wub-wub-wub-wub-wub…“

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 12:39 pm
  
  Lookit, that insures we all keep coming back. Totally saavy business plan, no? You’re the first person to say you’ve used nitrous oxide recreationally – you win! I’m not sure what yet, but you totally won. Just know that and feel really good about it. I’m sorry y’all got busted, but it makes for a funny tale : ) I love your post about running into a previous lover – emotions are so weird sometimes…I definitely want to go to that amazing steak house when I return – thanks for the travel tip! The ATM game is new to me, and yes, it’s really dumb to have that much money in a checking account. Oh, and doosh dad numero uno at that place, believe it. Great to see your name pop up – thanks for reading!
  
  Reply
  1. Exile on Pain Street
    
    Sep 11, 2013 at 6:50 am
    
    I would definitely recommend Peter Luger’s, especially if you’re a beef fan. The waiters are great. All crabby. Being lots of money. And make it cash. They don’t take credit cards. Ping me the next time you’re in town and I’ll buy you a fancy cocktail.
  2. mollytopia
    
    Sep 11, 2013 at 7:10 am
    
    Thanks! I’m IN!
  3. Exile on Pain Street
    
    Sep 11, 2013 at 7:34 am
    
    Incidentally…I’m a bit of a comment whore so if you could leave all those delightful insights over on my doorstep I’d appreciate it. I’m not bragging about my condition. I hate it. It’s needy and unattractive. But, honestly, if my comments go down to zero, I doubt I’d ever write another post again. Sad, innit?
  4. mollytopia
    
    Sep 11, 2013 at 7:57 am
    
    Haha – got it. As soon as I’m finished killing myself with this work-out, I’ll hop over to your page : )
Melanie

Sep 10, 2013 at 9:03 am

And do you wake up with a pedicure?
Thank you for finding me a new dentist in Atlanta.

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 1:29 pm
  
  No, but that’s a fantastic idea! Do you live in Atlanta??? If so, we’re totally hanging out.
  
  Reply
  1. Melanie
    
    Sep 10, 2013 at 2:16 pm
    
    I do live in Atlanta, near Cumberland Mall. We should totally hang out. How fun would that be!?!
  2. mollytopia
    
    Sep 10, 2013 at 3:50 pm
    
    Um, extra super ridiculous fun? Please e-mail me and we’ll get something on the calendar. I love WP. info at mollytopia dot com. Yay!
Blogdramedy

Sep 10, 2013 at 9:35 am

Throw in some sex toys and a personal chef and I’d move right in.

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 1:35 pm
  
  I KNEW you and I were going to be fast friends! When they start offering those items, I’m moving in also…Love your spam post from today. Those companies need to get for real on that nonsense. Believe it. Thanks for reading and chiming in.
  
  Reply
pieterk515

Sep 10, 2013 at 9:48 am

I am prepared to travel to whatever country you live in to attend the wedding, on the condition that your teeth doesn’t mind a polygamous relationship…I’m sold.

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 1:37 pm
  
  Teeth are very open-minded. It’s one of their finest qualities. Always good to hear from you Pieter – thanks for reading and commenting : )
  
  Reply
  1. pieterk515
    
    Sep 11, 2013 at 1:32 am
    
    I’ll take note…
ardenrr

Sep 10, 2013 at 10:54 am

While that dentist office looks awesome, it cracks me up that they have soda in their fridge. COME ON!!

Although, I guess it’s just more trickery. Here, drink this delicious soda that will rot your teeth so you’ll have to come back to our beautiful heaven of an office and spend thousands more dollars.

Touché, fancy dentist. Touché.

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 1:43 pm
  
  Hahaha right? Totally solid business plan : )
  
  Reply
Miss Molly

Sep 10, 2013 at 12:25 pm

No reason a dentist’s office can’t be lovely and appealing. Just went to a new one and it’s also very pleasant as are the staff. I was there on “spirit” day so everybody, including the dentist, was wearing sports jerseys from our local pro baseball and football and high school football teams but I’ll mention the black scrubs to them…very cool!. I may be “engaged” very soon, too…

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 1:44 pm
  
  That sounds like a really fun office – hooray for happy dentistry! Thanks for reading Miss Molly – good to see your name pop up : )
  
  Reply
Cheryl

Sep 10, 2013 at 2:52 pm

A fourth use for NO… labour and delivery. Used it with my second baby. You still feel the pain but you just don’t give a damn. LOL! My dentist isn’t nearly as modern chic as yours. He’s more “country chic” and he’s “green”, as in almost no carbon footprint. Kind of neat. Very gentle and I love him to death.

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 3:47 pm
  
  Gas for having babies??? Que en el mundo? That’s kind of awesome though. I just had the epidural. Doesn’t sound nearly as exciting. Yay for your dentist being green – hooray!
  
  Reply
  1. Cheryl
    
    Sep 10, 2013 at 4:16 pm
    
    Well, I wouldn’t suggest getting pregnant just to give it a try, LOL, but I didn’t react well to the epidural with baby number one so this was a great alternative.
deborahilene1

Sep 10, 2013 at 4:01 pm

I swore I wrote a comment, but it seems I did not…so I will try again:

Your dentist stories have inspired me to write about my next trip to my dentist. The dentist I called all over South Florida to find. The dentist who I drive 45 minutes to see. The dentist who gladly gives me Nitrous. The dentist who I shall never EVER leave. Look for it in the near future – I’ll let you know when I post it!

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 4:08 pm
  
  Hooray! I’ll look for it. Thanks for reading and commenting : )
  
  Reply
Carrie Rubin

Sep 10, 2013 at 4:23 pm

Jeez Louise, there are really dental offices that look like that? Do they hand out champagne and caviar, too? I love my dentist to bits, but I feel like I’m missing out. 😉

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 12, 2013 at 9:00 pm
  
  Yes! There really are! The champagne and caviar is given out at the place I get waxed. I have it all dialed in, believe it : ) Thanks for reading, Carrie – I love seeing your name pop up!
  
  Reply
ateachablemom

Sep 10, 2013 at 6:35 pm

Hilarious! I know you two will be very happy together!

Do they offer weekend spa packages? Evening happy hours? Tell them to open one here in Chicago and I’ll visit weekly for a signature teeth cleaning and a mani/pedi!

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 10, 2013 at 6:51 pm
  
  That’s a great idea!!!
  
  Hey I miss reading your stuff. Write something please : ). XO
  
  Reply
PinotNinja

Sep 10, 2013 at 11:17 pm

Looks like I finally have my first reason to visit Atlanta since t ErinGoBrawl fled the jurisdiction — its totally normal to fly in for a dentist appointment, right? I’m sure Beyonce does stuff like this all the time and I do need to start being more like her. Yes, my loyalty and affection can totally be bought with a zen aesthetic, apple products, and snacks and I am not ashamed of that fact.

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 12, 2013 at 9:01 pm
  
  Yes yes yes. Totally normal. Listen, we go where service takes us, right? Get over here so we can hang out!
  
  Reply
The Cutter

Sep 11, 2013 at 8:47 am

I don’t know…almost seems like they’re overcompensating there. Maybe it’s because I REALLY like my dentist, and get defensive when people try to say that other dentists are better.

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 12, 2013 at 9:02 pm
  
  You should write a post about how much you love your dentist. I bet they would appreciate it!
  
  Reply
  1. The Cutter
    
    Sep 13, 2013 at 12:06 pm
    
    I did! http://thecutterrambles.wordpress.com/2009/07/29/the-dentist-jim-johnson-and-cliff-lee/
Tom Nardone

Sep 11, 2013 at 9:37 am

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!
“MOLLYTOPIA FINDS ORTHOTOPIA”
I am glad you found the perfect dentist Molly.

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 12, 2013 at 9:02 pm
  
  Haha Tom – yes I have found my own little dentist heaven niche : ) Great to hear from you!
  
  Reply
Highest Form of Whit

Sep 11, 2013 at 11:40 am

Even the title of this blog had me in stitches. Oh, man. There I go again.

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 12, 2013 at 9:03 pm
  
  Hee hoo – thanks lady – hooray!
  
  Reply
Teeny Bikini

Sep 12, 2013 at 9:43 pm

“Short story: she wouldn’t give me enough gas to prevent me wanting to punch her in the tit.” Best. short. story. ever.

Nuff said.

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 13, 2013 at 7:00 am
  
  Hooray! Thanks so much lady – you know I’m your biggest fan : )
  
  Reply
mariner2mother

Sep 13, 2013 at 3:18 pm

A dental SPA?? Who’d a thunk it? Brilliant!! I am envious of your new relationship. We don’t have anything like that around here. I want a glittery unicorn to lead me to some fabulous place like the Atlanta Dental Spa (but it doesn’t have to be a dentist’s office). I just like the glittery unicorn. So very thrilled for you!!

Reply
1. mollytopia
  
  Sep 17, 2013 at 12:29 pm
  
  Right???? Totally brilliant. I am hereby, via this comment, sending you a glittery unicorn : )
  
  Reply
  1. mariner2mother
    
    Sep 17, 2013 at 11:32 pm
    
    Yee Haw!!! Off I ride!!