Hurricane Anna.

The category 5 kid storms always come at the end of the day…

Anna:  Mom can you come here please?

me:  Here I come.

She’s naked and spread eagle on the toilet pointing to her vagina, “what is this part right here?”

The part I shouldn’t be looking at?

me:  That’s your clitoris, or your urethra.

Ambiguity is my friend.

She wanted to give me a closer look, so she pulled off a piece of toilet paper to use like a glove for handling her own lady bits.

me:  No need for toilet paper.  Every part of your body is totally okay for you to touch.

Anna:  Okay what’s the clih…what did you call it?  What’s it for?

It’s a Stradivarius very few will ever know how to play well.  If you find someone who does, make sure he or she is someone you really want to hang out with because oxytocin is a bitch…Strike that.

me:  It’s your urethra, where your bladder eliminates your pee.

Anna:  Oh.  [Pause].  I think my boobs are growing.

I think I’m moving out.

me:  I’m sure they are.

Anna:  What happens when you get your period?

You become an emotional disaster that threatens every personal relationship you’re in and then you bleed.

me:  Let me get out the book.

I wasn’t feeling courageous enough to get into the It’s so Amazing book, so I opted for the American Girl book called The Care and Keeping of You.  I knew it would be safe for all audiences, meaning me.

I sat on the bathroom floor and she remained naked on the toilet while we covered the five stages of breast growth (news to me), pubic hair, shaving, periods, pads vs. tampons, and scented vs. unscented.

Anna:  I’m not going to use tampons.

I’m not going to use my ears.

me:  Okay.

Anna:  And I’m definitely choosing scented pads.

me:  Okay.

Anna:  You’re going to help me with all this, right?

me:  Of course.

Because it’s frowned upon to pay other people to do it.  Unless you’re really rich.  Then it’s called boarding school.

Anna:  Okay good.  Is it better to wash your vagina with cold water or warm water?

me:  I think either is fine.

Anna:  Do you think stuffed animals come to life when you’re asleep?

Oh my fuck –  what are you TAAAALKING about?

me:  No, que en el mundo?

Wait – maybe she’s not envisioning Chucky I like am and it would be awesome in her world.  

me:  Would you like for them to come to life?

Anna:  Yes.  Unless they kill me in my sleep.

Wtf is happening?

me:  Okay, the only stuffed animal that has ever come to life is The Velveteen Rabbit, and we have Hugh, so our pretend bunny has already come to life.

Velveteen bunny champion.
Exhibit A:  Velveteen bunny champion.

Anna:  Hooray!

me:  Hooray!

Anna:  I want the ends of my hair to be turquoise.

me:  You mean like dye the ends of your hair?

Anna:  Yes.

me:  Sure.

Anna:  Can we do that tonight?

me:  Okay.

Anna:  You’re the best mom ever.

me:  I know, right?

Anna:  True story.

$21 + 15 minutes = 4 inches of turquoise hair.

$21 + 15 minutes = 4 inches of turquoise hair.

me:  You’re the best daughter ever.

Anna:  No, I’m not.  Okay, yes I am.

Weather forecast for today:  Hurricane Daddy.

I’m kidding.  He was in a band.  He’ll love it.

Revised weather forecast:  Hurricane Daddy’s Parents.

Comments

  1. You had me in hysterics from the beginning. This MUST be the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time. And I read some funny shit. Your inner comments made me look like a lunatic. Where is the damn double like button when you need it?

  2. A few years ago we were swimming and my daughter, then about 4, said, “I love YOU” and she poked me right between my legs. She said, “Daddy, what’s that?” It was my moment to shine. To be a parent. The time to explain that it’s daddy’s penis and all men have one. Instead, I got all flustered, stammered, “haaamaanaaa, haaamaanaaa, haaamaanaaa” said, “Nothing, dear!!!” and swam away. Parent of the Year. No. Decade.

    Re: The stuffed animal comment. Have you left any old Calvin and Hobbs books lying around?,

    • Omg that’s killing me! So funny. And no, no Calvin and Hobbs in the house. Just good old fashioned imagination…Thanks for reading and commenting! Your post on BBW today is fabulous.

  3. You just happened to have turquoise hair dye on hand? You are the best mom ever!

    P.S. Thanks for the birth control.

  4. This post frightened me very much as my daughter is right about Anna’s age, if not older even. God I hope mom’s home with Ace is spread eagle with a vagina inquisition on her mind. So a couple of things, 1. you are a great mom for sure, and 2. clitoris?? Wha???

    • Hahahaha Don! Yes, I hope your wife is home also. I also hope she’s at my house the next time Anna does that. I’m so sure it won’t be the last vagina inquisition…

  5. Oh yes…we were riding bikes on vacation. Someone who shall remain nameless had a little crash then popped right up and hollered, “I’m OK! My bugina is fine!” Right in front of a restaurant patio. Considering that I got all my lady bit education courtesy of the paper foldout inside the tampon box, we’re going to call this PROGRESS.

  6. Oh wow, this was hysterical! Good job, Mom!

  7. What? Stuffed animals don’t come to life when we’re sleeping? I think I believed that till I was 12. And still want to.

  8. Also, well played – really. I’m sure you were screaming on the inside the entire time.

  9. This is SO great – and you are definitely the best mom ever!

  10. Thank you so much for waking me up with a great laugh today!! I love your daughter- and right now I’m so glad I only have a son. Somehow, the explaining puberty thing seems easier when the parts are outside, already easily visible. “It’s like this son. These things get bigger. You get more hairy. Your voice will get deeper.” Oh yeah, there’s the wet dream stuff. That’s what Dad can cover.

  11. “Anna: You’re going to help me with all this, right?
    me: Of course.” That, FTW. Love the stream of consciousness of kids.

    • Right? Kids are the best. I loved your post from today. “Worst Bookish Habit: Buying books LONG before I can around to reading them and then buying more.” That’s my worst one, too. I’m so proud of you for reading Twilight haha. You’re such a good godmother.

  12. ROFL! LOVED this! Brought back so many memories of me and my daughter, from the sex talk to the turquoise hair. My daughter rocked fire engine red streaks for a long time. My husband was horrified. I figured if a bit of hair dye was all she got into growing up, I was a happy camper. (She’s a 3rd year nursing student now) Pick your battles. LOL!

    • Good for her rocking the red streak. I agree with you – I’ll choose my battles. Besides, can it ever be too soon to express your creativity? Thanks for reading and chiming in. I love the railway photo on your blog. Reminds me of my dad : )

  13. I love that Anna and I will DIE when these things come up for us.

  14. Oh my…I guess I shouldn’t have laughed my way through this as I don’t envy you..but I did. I think you did GREAT….and she sure
    is an inquisitive mind…lol. Keep us posted!

    • Nah laugh it up! That’s what blogs are for: to embarrass ourselves. And bond with other people over the complete ridiculousness of it all : ) Thanks for reading and commenting!

  15. Damn I love this girl!

  16. Maybe you should call her Hurricanna.

  17. So sweet, terrifying and true! My daughter sat in the tub one evening, poking at her tiny breasts and said “what are these?” when I explained it she said, “Well ,great. When do I have THAT to look forward to?!” I had no idea a six year old could be that sarcastic! Enjoy!
    PS-That American Girl book was a life saver in our house.

  18. I haven’t laughed this much in a long time! The subconscious banter is the things nightmares are made of…. very very funny!

  19. Hilarious (because it happened to you and not me!) hahaha We used the AG book for this talk too! My sister and I sat down with our daughters. I had to do all the reading because my sister was bright red and giggling like a school girl through most of it! lol Isn’t having daughters fun?!?!?!
    http://www.diaryofadysfunctionaldomesticdivablog.com

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