The category 5 kid storms always come at the end of the day…
Anna: Mom can you come here please?
me: Here I come.
She’s naked and spread eagle on the toilet pointing to her vagina, “what is this part right here?”
The part I shouldn’t be looking at?
me: That’s your clitoris, or your urethra.
Ambiguity is my friend.
She wanted to give me a closer look, so she pulled off a piece of toilet paper to use like a glove for handling her own lady bits.
me: No need for toilet paper. Every part of your body is totally okay for you to touch.
Anna: Okay what’s the clih…what did you call it? What’s it for?
me: It’s your urethra, where your bladder eliminates your pee.
Anna: Oh. [Pause]. I think my boobs are growing.
I think I’m moving out.
me: I’m sure they are.
Anna: What happens when you get your period?
You become an emotional disaster that threatens every personal relationship you’re in and then you bleed.
me: Let me get out the book.
I wasn’t feeling courageous enough to get into the It’s so Amazing book, so I opted for the American Girl book called The Care and Keeping of You. I knew it would be safe for all audiences, meaning me.
I sat on the bathroom floor and she remained naked on the toilet while we covered the five stages of breast growth (news to me), pubic hair, shaving, periods, pads vs. tampons, and scented vs. unscented.
Anna: I’m not going to use tampons.
I’m not going to use my ears.
Anna: And I’m definitely choosing scented pads.
Anna: You’re going to help me with all this, right?
me: Of course.
Because it’s frowned upon to pay other people to do it. Unless you’re really rich. Then it’s called boarding school.
Anna: Okay good. Is it better to wash your vagina with cold water or warm water?
me: I think either is fine.
Anna: Do you think stuffed animals come to life when you’re asleep?
Oh my fuck – what are you TAAAALKING about?
me: No, que en el mundo?
Wait – maybe she’s not envisioning Chucky I like am and it would be awesome in her world.
me: Would you like for them to come to life?
Anna: Yes. Unless they kill me in my sleep.
Wtf is happening?
me: Okay, the only stuffed animal that has ever come to life is The Velveteen Rabbit, and we have Hugh, so our pretend bunny has already come to life.
Anna: I want the ends of my hair to be turquoise.
me: You mean like dye the ends of your hair?
Anna: Can we do that tonight?
Anna: You’re the best mom ever.
me: I know, right?
Anna: True story.
me: You’re the best daughter ever.
Anna: No, I’m not. Okay, yes I am.
Weather forecast for today: Hurricane Daddy.
I’m kidding. He was in a band. He’ll love it.
Revised weather forecast: Hurricane Daddy’s Parents.