I finally learned my lesson

I regret being a birthday party fuckwit.  Evidently this can happen to anyone with a vagina and a child under seven.  Why?  Because we’re chronically exhausted and haven’t figured out our place on the maternal spectrum yet.  We want our children to think we’re heroes, and for other mothers to think we’re perfect.  We’re at […]

The Pen is not Mightier than the Lipstick

Anna:  Can I write my spelling words on the bathroom mirror in lipstick? Me:  What? Anna:  It’s for practice tonight – one of our options. Me:  Sure. We had to e-mail this photo to the teacher as “proof of homework.”  I love her. Pen and paper is for bitches y’all. What’s the most unusual homework […]

How to be totally lazy while appearing productive

Right now while I’m at work the awesome people of Instacart are shopping for ALL my groceries and household items! Three personal shoppers will descend upon my house between 4-5pm with all my stuff, I will put everything away in 12 minutes, and my family will come home and think I’m a hero for keeping […]

It’s important to wear underwear when you’re stealing teeth

I’m sharing this critical information with you because a) one of my polls revealed that some of you go commando b) I recently tried to steal a tooth and I was really thankful I had on panties. If you guessed the tooth was Anna’s, you’re correct.  If you assumed this was a simple task, you’re not.  She […]

Clearly the Solution was Fire and Urine

She had collapsed in on herself and was sobbing at the table.  I patted her on the back in that awkward way which precisely conveys, “I don’t know what to do, or what to say, and I want to run from this emotional Hazmat scenario as fast as I can but I’m required by law […]

7 Truths That Make Parenting More Fun

Here’s the question I received:  “Does being a mom ever get fun?  My friend and I both have an infant and a toddler, and it’s so hard.  Please tell us the truth.” Sometimes being a mom sucks a giant butthole.  There – I said it for all of us.  Now let’s exhale together and know […]

Gymnastic Shenanigans

Handstands onto your bed is the new hotness.  Right up until you record it… Naturally this meant I was required to try it, too… She was determined… And so was I… We became convinced if we did it simultaneously Cirque would call… Obviously this is what responsible parents do on school nights.  Happy Friday y’all […]