It’s important to wear underwear when you’re stealing teeth

I’m sharing this critical information with you because

a) one of my polls revealed that some of you go commando

b) I recently tried to steal a tooth and I was really thankful I had on panties.

If you guessed the tooth was Anna’s, you’re correct.  If you assumed this was a simple task, you’re not.  She has a loft bed.

Being a very committed and clever thief, I had already moved her chair into the ideal position to reach her pillow when the time came to do the deed.  I was teetering on said chair, feeling around the edges of her pillow when I realized her head was precisely over the tooth.

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Of course scavenging under her pillow caused her to stir, so I leapt off the chair and hid.  No, it’s not creepy at ALL to hide in your child’s bedroom while they’re sleeping.

I waited a full minute, got back on the chair and went after the tooth again.  Her eyes sprung open like Chucky.

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Anna:  Mom, what are you doing?

Shoving a $5 bill in my panties and wishing I was invisible?

Me:  I thought I heard you call me.  Do you need something?

Anna:  No.  But I can’t sleep.

Oh my gahhhhd were you awake the whole time I was trying to steal your tooth?

Me:  How can I help you?  Would you like me to lie down with you (so I can steal your tooth)?

Anna:  Yes.

I’m IN!  This is going to be so easy.

Sadly she noticed the tooth was no longer directly under her head, so she moved it back to its original location and barricaded all four edges of her pillow with stuffed animals.

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I hate my life.

I lay perfectly still for the next 15 minutes daydreaming of setting fire to every one of her tooth-blocking stuffed animals.  Then I realized the whole thing a bust because even if I was able to get the tooth without waking her, there was no way for me to escape with it.  I need both hands to get down the stupid ladder, and I am NOT putting a tooth in my panties.

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I climbed down and went back to my room to muster up the courage to try again.  An hour later I charged out of my room with purpose carrying the same five dollar bill…and ran right into Anna.

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I promptly shoved the money in my panties AGAIN.

Anna:  what you doing?

Me:  what are YOU doing?

Totally not suspicious.

Anna:  Nothing.  Can I get in your bed for a little while?

Yes!  I can steal your tooth and you won’t even be in the same room – hooray!

Me:  Of course sweetie.

Anna:  I need to get my tooth from my room.

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We got in bed and my heart raced for another hour before I finally worked up the nerve to try again.

To see if she was asleep I coughed obnoxiously and slid the $5 bill under her pillow.  She was OUT, but no sign of the tooth.  Because it was on the other side of the pillow by the edge of the bed!  This meant I would have to hover over her to get it.  Zero chance of recovery if caught.

Lookit, I hate being a big fat liartelling Anna the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause are real, but at least those fairy tales make sense.  Of COURSE there’s a giant-ass rabbit that hides eggs and brings kids chocolate.  OBVIOUSLY there’s an old fat man in the North Pole that makes a katrillion toys all year to give to children.  But the Tooth Fairy is just weird and stupid.  In what universe does it make sense for a fairy to stalk a child, wait for them to fall asleep, steal their disgusting bloody tooth, and then leave cash under the child’s pillow to justify their own nasty tooth fetish?  I’ll tell you – in a universe I don’t want to live in.

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Also, I’m not really appreciating that we spend YEARS telling our children that stealing is wrong, and then creep around our houses at night stealing their teeth.

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Given my distaste for this absurd and never-ending ruse I knew I needed to get the tooth and go to sleep.  Why?  Because I was EXHAUSTED and everyone knows that’s the most difficult time to lie.  One more ” Mom what are you doing?” was going to end with me blurting out, “I’m trying to steal your tooth!  There is no such thing as the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny!  Santa Claus isn’t real! I’m the only one in this house that’s allowed to have cash in their panties!  I’m not a stripper!  Why are you interrogating me????  I want to go to sleeeeeeep!”

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Thankfully she didn’t wake up.  I successfully snatched the tooth and collapsed in the bed beside her.

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The next morning (read:  three hours later), she woke up and beamed with joy over her $5.  Clearly that’s why we do all this ridiculous stuff, but I will forever maintain that the Tooth Fairy is the dumbest shit in the history of EVER.  Possibly with the exception of paying to have dolls’ ears pierced.

Comments

  1. Good job mom! Teaching her the value of stuffing money in your panties is a lesson all girls need to learn! Just kidding, glad you finally were able to steal the tooth now go get some sleep!

  2. Thank you, you just made my day! Go you! My mom made me be the Tooth Fairy for my brother… he’s three years older and did NOT enjoy me sneaking around his room 🙂

  3. Haha this post was wonderful from beginning to end! Great job on successfully getting the tooth!

  4. Wait until you FORGET to get the tooth…
    Also: five bucks? Whatcha got there, gold fillings?

  5. Bahahaha…awesome!

  6. Reblogged this on xdayschocolate.

  7. Oh yes, stealing the truth can be tricky! And then if it’s lost you wonder if they’ll find it later. Oh honey, you’ll say, that must be someone’s else’s tooth. Or, perhaps the tooth fairy dropped it on her way out. The things we do to keep the magic alive. Very funny, Molly.

    • Right??? I’ve been using the official tooth fairy documents from the beginning. I’ll give them all to her one day. They’re so cute with her handwriting on them, describing how she lost the tooth, what day etc. Of course she’ll still be extra pissed off when she finally learns the truth, but at least she’ll have a stack of souvenirs from all my deceit haha!

      • I never caught to the documents. Oh, bummer!!! I’m so disorganized. Boys being boys they don’t seem to care as much, especially as they approach the double digit teen years. It really is a precious time and now you have it forever right here! I wrote a couple, too, for my blog once. It’s been a while, Molly. Time’s a flying!

  8. I suck at this myself. My son lost his first tooth the day before Easter. The next day he gets his money, but finds his tooth downstairs (because I was new to this and hadn’t thought through the whole what do you do with the tooth question). So I told him that when the tooth fairy was leaving, she saw the Easter Bunny and was so freaked out she dropped the tooth and flew away

    • Bahahahaha that was a PERFECT recovery! I highly recommend using the Official Tooth Fairy documents. I think you can get them at Uncommon Goods : ) Perfect way to not lose the tooth, AND it’s a living monument of all your lies you can one day pass down to your child – woot!

  9. Hilarious. One can only admire your persistence. I’d probably break down and sob uncontrollably after the second failed attempt. I don’t deal well with failure.

  10. This was hilarious. I can only imagine my parents doing the same thing. I remember the tooth fairy would even leave us little notes. I commented once that the notes looked strangely like my father’s handwriting. Then, the last note I received read, “-From the Tooth Fairy, NOT your father.” Good job, dad. Lol.

    US Lifestyle Blog // rebekahkoontzsite.com

    • Hahahaha oh that is genius – excellent work. Parents. We’re so smart and sometimes so dumb. Thank goodness children love us know matter what : )

  11. This one time i had to climb a bunk bed to do the deed, I was wearing granny panties and it came very handy, because elephant teeth are big. The struggle was real.

  12. HA! I’m so glad there are no tooth fairies over here.
    My mum regularly forgot to put money under our pillows then claimed we must have been bad. Hmm, great parenting there. Also, when we did get money it was about 20p. Paper money for lost teeth? My inner child thinks that’s SO unfair!

    • Where are you??? I need to move there to escape this whole tooth fairy nightmare. You mum sounds like a hoot : ) I hope you didn’t listen to her – I’m sure you were not bad. When you’re still losing teeth you don’t have your period or a car yet. What can you do wrong???

  13. $5?! Inflation takes hold of the tooth fairy world.

    One time I saw a whole bunch of guys shoving $5 bills into a girl’s panties. It was weird.

    Both of my daughters had a tooth fall out within a HOUR of one another. For real.

    Daughter #1 lost a tooth while at Disneyworld. They gave us a special Tinkerbell pin to put under her pillow. It was sweet.

    I was going to yell at you for not writing but what’s the use. Yelling at you hasn’t worked in the past. Why would it work now?

    • Inflation is real. But the $5 was better than the $20 I had to give one night because the tooth fell out right before her bedtime and I couldn’t leave her there alone to go get change! That one hurt…I’ve put cash in girls’ panties also, and it was way less stressful than stuffing money under a pillow…That is totally crazy that your girls lost teeth in the same hour. Did they plan that? Or pull them out themselves??? Madness. That’s super sweet that Disneyworld gave them the Tinkerbell pin. It’s makes my day when people are kind when it’s not required : ) Thank you for not yelling at me – trust me no one feels worse about my lack of consistency than I do…However, I just created a calendar for posting yesterday (no hurry on that simple plan – two years later), and I’m convinced this will work. If I don’t post at least once a week starting next week you can scream at me all you want : )

  14. The fuck? $5? Okay, maybe for a molar, but shit, don’t tell my kids what the tooth fairy is giving your kids. Mkay?

    And I totally agree…what kind of creepy fairy steals teeth to build a castle? My son lost a molar recently while on a trip. We were all sleeping in the same room and he wanted to put it under his pillow. I said no, the tooth fairy doesn’t know where you are, so wait until we’re home to do it. Then – in the morning – I threw the tooth a way and put $3 where I’d laid it (wrapped in tissue on the nightstand). BOOM. Easiest tooth fairy gig ever!

    • Oh my gahhhh you’re a genius! I promise not to reveal the price of any more teeth. Kids are on the internet now. In fact, this entire blog is going to bite me in the ass in about six months haha!

  15. This is too funny! xD And you are one heck of a mom to be so persistent. I remember growing up, if I had just lost a tooth and I woke up while my mom was trying to slip money under my pillow and steal my tooth, she wouldn’t give me the money and would tell me I squashed the tooth fairy with my head so the tooth fairy’s company had to send a replacement out to get my tooth… Mind you, I didn’t get $5. I only got $1 if I was lucky! lol 😀

  16. And that’s why I love those little boxes you can put the tooth in, beside the bed. Doesn’t even have to go under the pillow, and the magic still happens! Kudos to you, Mom.

    • Why do I not KNOW about these things??? That’s SO much better! I need to look into this immediately before the next tooth leaps out of her head. Thank you!!!

  17. OMG I think I love you!

  18. This is hilarious! You had me laughing the entire time! And I totally agree with you, the tooth fairy is the strangest tradition ever

  19. You’re too funny, Molly, and the thought of you cramming money into your panties is delightful in a totally not creepy for you way, probably. Lol. The tooth fairy is stupid. I just realized that Cool is 6 now and he hasn’t lost a single tooth! Fuck, I have to go through this two more times still between him and Gman. I forget that I have kids sometimes, so this revelation as I’m typing you a comment has me a bit aghast. What was I saying? I don’t recall, but yay for you for being so awesome, as usual! Does it have to go under the pillow or can we start having the kids leave the teeth somewhere better, like in the liquor cabinet?

    • Hahahaha – yes! The liquor cabinet is GENIUS! Or, if you want to maintain custody of your children, you might consider one of the little boxes mentioned in the earlier comments. Looks like you can buy them on Amazon, of course. http://www.amazon.com/US-Toy-Tooth-Fairy-Boxes/dp/B00362RZ7K
      I think you leave this out on the dresser (or beside the Bud Light Lime in the fridge), and then after they go to sleep you snatch it, dump the cash and run. Yay! I’m sorry you have 40 more teeth to pay for. Start saving your money – inflation is real, yo.

  20. The work of tooth fairy is never done. Well, at least not until you get caught.

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