Not all feet touchers are the same

I don’t like strangers scratching my head and mounting me in public.  Especially when I have to pay for it.

My glorious friend, P, and I decided to treat ourselves to a “foot spa” outing after work.  It’s not a pedicure, you just sit in a fancy chair and people magically appear to massage your feet.  They also wash your feet, which is a little weird to me because I’m not Jesus or a disciple, but okay.

I’d been on a similar outing with a co-worker for my birthday (thanks OG!).  It looked just like a nail salon except there were only two chairs and we chatted the whole time.  It was great!  I was expecting a similar but swankier experience at this location, because it’s a different company and way more expensive.

My suspicions began when I walked into the place and it was strip-club dark.  They grew when I saw all the posted “shhhhhhhh” signs everywhere.

Btw I hate “shhhh” signs.  I’ll be the judge of how quiet my voice needs to be, mkay?

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The tiny Asian woman (TAW) behind the counter shoved a clipboard at me and pointed to a seat where I could write down my entire medical history since birth.  Que en el mundo?  I’m here to get my feet rubbed and talk to my friend.  Do I really need to list an “in case of emergency” contact?

Turns out, maybe.

My friend arrived and gave them her complete medical history also.  Then TAW lead us through a doorway into a mystical land of darkness and eery music to a pair of giant recliners that were curtained off as though we were embarking on an hour-long lesbian love affair.  P and I exchanged worried glances.  It was clear that talking would be strictly prohibited, so we agreed to chat after our services were complete.  Preferably at a place that was reasonably lit, and offers alcoholic beverages in bulk.

One minute later a circus-style duo appeared at our feet – one looked like Popeye and the other like a giant Samurai.  They bowed at us simultaneously while P and I sat in our chairs paralyzed in an obvious I-don’t-know-how-to-manage-this-particular-social-situation.  Bow back?  Say, “hello” and break the vow of silence?  Clap?  Before we could appropriately react, they were upright again and offered us blankets.  The answer to that is always yes.  But it’s especially yes when you’re feeling vulnerable in the dark with strangers.

King Samurai took off my shoes and washed my feet, which as I stated earlier was really awkward.  He ramped up the awkward by vigorously scratching the tips of my toes with his fingernails, which incidentally were longer than mine.

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I took a deep breath and closed my eyes so I couldn’t see the exit sign.  He rubbed my feet long enough for me to forget the fingernail assault, but then startled me by banging on my legs like they had somehow wronged him.  Lookit, I’m over 35 and take fish oil every day – I bruise easily.  Know your audience dude.  Vitamin K cream is not cheap.

Next was a polite and gentle foot massage, which I appreciated.  I had just settled down when the rubbing stopped and he disappeared.  I wondered where he went for one split second before I realized he was BEHIND MY CHAIR.  How did I know that?  Because he started scratching my head like I was flea-infested dog.

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What.  Is.  Happening?

When he finally stopped with the scratching, I exhaled gratefully just in time for him to ask the question no one should ever ask.

“Can I touch your face?”

Yes.  If you want to get punched in the dick immediately, then definitely touch my face.

My actual dread-filled answer, “uh, okay.”

My eyes were squinched shut while he did his touchy touch game of massage on my face.  I was counting the seconds in my head to distract myself when I felt something on my forehead…Oh it’s his hand…Wait, both of his hands are on either side of my face…WHAT is on my face right now?!  I prayed for this:

I know it wasn’t his junk because trust me – if he was packing that kind of weight in his pants he would NOT be working at a foot place.  But, still.  EW.  Was that his CHIN on my forehead?  His FOREHEAD?  Sadly, you and I will never know because I was too mortified to open my eyes.  I’m going with chin so I can sleep…

Four forevers later he finally took himself away from my face which made me very happy.  He went back to my feet and tricked me into thinking I could relax.  That’s when he started massaging up my calves, moved on to my knees, and then mounted me in order to reach my thighs.

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This was supposed to be a FOOT massage!  What in the actual fuck?

When my thighs were kneaded to an acceptable level in his mind, the service was complete.  Mr. Samurai hopped off of me, he and Popeye bowed in unison and vanished into the darkness.  I hesitated for a moment the way a hostage might after they’ve finally been freed, and then bolted from my chair.

The second P and I got out the door we collapsed in on ourselves laughing.  We couldn’t decide if what had just happened was the best thing ever and we just weren’t prepared for it, or if it was the worst thing ever and we paid $50 for it.  Either way, we moved on to snacks and libations and laughed about it for the rest of the evening.

Fact #1:  This is the first time in history that I’ve preferred the less expensive version of ANYthing.

Fact #2:  The next time I want to relax after work, I think I’ll just do this….

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Have you had a similar experience – where you expected one thing and got something totally different?  What’s your favorite way to relax?  Weed, liquor and sex are obvious.  What else?  

Comments

  1. So I was in the Dominican Republic for Spring Break. The boys went to do boy things so I treated myself to a mini-spa day with a full body massage. First let me say that the woman was very sweet and very professional…and then she started the massage, it was the usual thing until she got to my legs and then proceeded to massage ALL THE WAY UP MY LEGS TO MY ASS and damn near everything in between. Under the sheet. I could not relax at that point. When she had me turn over she completely uncovered me then as an afterthought covered the girls with a towel while she proceeded to completely massage my midsection. Honestly, I was waiting for a breast exam next. She was that close. Also I was super slippery from her over-abundant use of lotion, which again, was so weird. She made it up to me when she did the reflexology on my feet and I was finally able to relax again.

    I realize that in other countries massages are different and I’ve heard stories about Asian massages, but I was not prepared for this. Mimosas were required afterwards as I had process the experience.

  2. Oh, HOLY hahahahahahahaha! THAT was fucking WEIRD… OMG, I pray that was his chin.

    I once went for a facial at an Indian threading salon which did facials in the back room. The weird part – when she took the butter knife (maybe it was a Popsicle stick?) and scraped my entire face from forehead to chin. Apparently this clears your pores…

    There was also that time I went for a pedicure & asked for nail art. They let me soak in the fancy foot bath chair and then a dude came over to do my entire pedicure; including the nail art. Had he smiled at me even ONCE, I’d have made HIM pay ME! Normally my husband is the only man who touches my feet… he gives great massages. That’s all I’m sayin’ 😉

    Favorite way to relax? The free 5-minute neck rub at the nail salon while you dry and, ok – wine after weed!

    • Bahahahaha – butter knife on your FACE??? Que en el mundo?? I confess that I’m automatically nervous when any service provider is a dude. I no like. Also, I’m old fashioned – I prefer to see men doing rugged things like mowing the lawn, not painting toenails. Unless they’re gay. Then it’s totally okay and I want to be besties with them forever : ) Wow you’re hard core – weed and wine – I respect it!

      • So, my husband is totally the rugged type – fixes the toilet, has mowed the lawn, saws things, uses a hammer – but he is one of those foot-guys. I’m still trying to get him to take the leap and paint them. 😀 This is why I said if that nail-art guy even LOOKED like he was remotely enjoying what he was doing with my feet, he would have had to pay ME. 😉 Damn, now I want a pedicure…

      • Hahahaha – yay you have a rugged husband – awesome! Now I want a pedicure too. Dammit.

  3. God, I love this. Would have paid you the $50 to be a fly on the wall AFTERWARDS. But I would need drinks, too.

  4. I guess I will be thinking twice before getting a foot massage. Your Story is crazy..sounds more like some kind of happy ending! At least in the end you could laugh about it. I think I might have punched someone out for sure.
    shophomedecorandmore

    • Happy ending hahaha! Yes that was quite an experience…In other news I love your site – cute stuff and super affordable! I placed my order for the red brick sweater and a cool necklace but shipping was $22. I didn’t see a more affordable method for shipping – did I miss it? And the Belle of the Balle pants are ah may zing : ) Nice to meet you – thanks for chiming in!

      • Hi Molly, Im not sure what the issue is exactly but the shipping calculated much more then it should have been. I have sent the details to our IT Department so they can figure it out. in the mean time you can use coupon code “Take12” which will discount you order by 12.00. If you have any questions please let me know. We have actually had some issues with our telephone system as well. but if you want you can send me an email cs@homegoodsgalore.com.

  5. Omg, thank you but no thank you. lol I will wash my own feet.

  6. Was on a wellness weekend and had my first ever foot massage – and no, no weird story here – after I read those comments my completely boring foot massage must be the winner in the “stands out” competition here 😉
    Relax? Some chill out Jazz, my bed and my favourite sex toy. (I wish mine had two legs, but I am too fat and old for that). I wish I knew how to add links, so that you could catch a glimpse of the toy 😛

  7. Ay, Dios mio! I would have died laughing right there and then! I can never control myself in those awkward situations and end up bursting out in uncontrollable nervous laughter. 🙂 When my husband and I have gotten couple’s massages, I end up cracking up throughout. This is hilarious, Molly. 🙂

    • Hahahah “ay dios mio” always cracks me UP!!! Couple’s massages are so weird! I endured one over a decade ago and vowed I would never do that again!

  8. YES. Same.exact.thing. It was an Asian Foot Massage place in Vegas. One night after dinner our route took us through Chinatown so I suggested to hubby, “hey, let’s get some Chinese Foot Massages”. Holy fucking shit. I left there traumatized. And in pain. They pummeled my calves and shins until I cried and begged them to stop. True story.

  9. Well THAT was wild. It actually sounds pretty nice, except for whatever was going on with your forehead. One way I like to relax is to take photos in nature; and right now is our tulip festival, so I’ve been taking lots of pictures of fields of tulips and one of our local display gardens.

  10. This was the funniest story ever. Just wanted to say thanks for totally cracking me up! Lol

  11. Hey, I touched a girls face once and got punched in the dick! Just like you said! But I didn’t get the warning. Sad face.

    This is why China is going to EAT OUR LUNCH. Our tolerance is so low and we’re so squeamish. They can put up with all sorts of discomfort and agony. It’s a survival skill we’ve lost.

    Did the chin-plant cost extra?

    • Hahaha “sad face.” Warnings are super helpful : )

      You’re right. We’re all a bunch of pansies – I admit that readily. And China will win. Sad face.

      The chin-plant did not cost extra, to my knowledge. But I probably had to renew my prescription for anxiety early, which means yes, it was more expensive…

      Great to see your name pop up, Mark! : )

  12. Tooo funny and I do not think I would want to have a “treatment” I don’t like my feet touched anyhow but you gave me a great chuckle love the story.

  13. Hehehe… What a weird experience!

  14. still the funniest blog on here. lol

  15. Ok so I knew I had to follow your blog when I click it and the first picture is Olivia Dunham! Totally out of context but having read on, I love your writing.

  16. Weirdest massages – in Fiji, the woman actually fell asleep while massaging my neck. I kept clearing my throat, she woke up, started massaging again, then fell back asleep. I wasn’t sure whether to just sneak out, or keep clearing my throat. She proceeded to fall asleep again while she was down by my feet, and I actually thought I should twitch my foot because her head was right there.

    Weirdest and worst? The woman who obviously ate a heavy dose of garlic before the massage. The smells emanating not only from her mouth, but from every pore in her being, was enough to make me simultaneously laugh and cry hysterically at the same time.

    Thank you for the 8-track flashback, and love your blog!

    • Omgahhhhddddd. What a nightmare but totally hilarious!!!! My last massage therapist farted right in the middle of my session. I laughed so hard I almost farted also haha. Thank you so much for sharing your tale : ). Muah!

  17. First visit to your blog – love it! Oh my god. Ironically, nothing stresses me out more than a massage. I once had a back massage during a spa day, and the woman quite openly launched into a detailed account of her relationship problems, and I felt under pressure to offer her advice. Another time, during a couples massage on holiday, I was issued with some flimsy paper underwear and no gown! After scampering to the message table almost completely in the buff, I was too on edge to relax enough and enjoy the massage.

    I’ll take cocktails at happy hour over a spa day any time!

  18. I’m not 100% sure what I just read, but I sort of need a cigarette. The things you women do…I just don’t get it. Also, how did I miss all these Molly posts??

  19. Bahahhaha @ “Yes. If you want to get punched in the dick immediately, then definitely touch my face.”

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