“Finished” has multiple meanings

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Por exemplo, to some people, “I’m finished” looks like this:    To other people (me), this is the opposite of “finished.”  This is more:  the Chaos Gods will climb out of the earth and eat your soul if you leave it like this. I’m not saying one definition is right.  I’m just objectivley noting that […]

Obviously I’m a unicorn

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Friday, November 6th Recap: Choreographed silly dance for upcoming Flash Mob Birthday celebration.  It will be legitimate blackmail for everyone involved, including me. Participated in two conference calls about very important things that I immediately forgot because Fall Festival! Parked illegally in front of Anna’s school and hauled in enough face paint for 500 elementary […]

How to waste $500 in three seconds

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Back into the parked car in your driveway….Boom.  $500 insurance deductible spent. Go into house and notify fiance you have wrecked your car, by smashing into HIS. Note that fiance is very bitter at news, and plan to purchase his favorite cookies later. Drive away and pretend none of that happened. Call insurance company and […]

Confessions of a Beverly Hills (adjacent) Dog Owner

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I kind of wanted a baby.  I just wasn’t ready to break my vagina and gain 30 pounds.  Also, I enjoyed sleeping, and being the center of the universe.  So I adopted a little dog instead. Specifically, I ordered him before he was born and spent the next six weeks wringing my hands. I badgered the […]

It’s my BIRTHDAY – whuuuut?

Is it just me, or does this photo give you the impression I handled this party all by myself?    I’ve clearly called everyone to the table to witness the final adjustments on my birthday cake, which I probably ordered and had delivered, along with those awesome panda plates.   Obviously I chose that fabulous […]

Not all feet touchers are the same

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I don’t like strangers scratching my head and mounting me in public.  Especially when I have to pay for it. My glorious friend, P, and I decided to treat ourselves to a “foot spa” outing after work.  It’s not a pedicure, you just sit in a fancy chair and people magically appear to massage your […]

But what if your crotch gets addicted?

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Hey there’s a new vaginal marijuana potion that produces a 15-minute climax. Que en el mundo? Speaking of being high, this guy is trying to enter the stratosphere in an air balloon using batteries, 2-way radios, a parachute, balloons and helium.  He needs your help.  If you’ve built and launched your own high-altitude balloon please get in touch […]