The Lobster on your Chest.

Grown-ups should not wear bibs in public.  Especially ones that feature giant clowny lobsters on them.  It sends a negative message to our brain.  Tonight I will fail.  My food will defeat me.  The waiter is in on it.

It also sends a worrisome message to our fellow diners.  They might think we’ve suffered a head injury.  Why else would anyone who’s been eating for decades unassisted suddenly believe they need a plastic shield at dinner?  They obviously have no memory of being able to successfully negotiate the route between their plate and their face.

Finally, if you’re on a date, it’s really not bueno.

photo credit:  www.hot hardware.com
photo credit: http://www.hothardware.com

It says you’re okay with looking like an enormous child in a white trash bag determined to conquer melted butter…One-way ticket to Nevergettinglaid.

Non-refundable.

Bibs are hygiene tools specifically designed for babies and toddlers.  Parents fasten them to tiny humans because they suck at eating and their motor skills rival a drunken sloth with one arm. Their food-to-mouth ratio is a pathetic 1 to 20 until the age of five.  By sundown they’re stumbling miniature smorgasbords with crusty faces.

No full-sized adult should ever fear reverting back to this state.  It’s physically impossible.  We can hold things for longer than three seconds, our heads don’t bob like dash-board Chihuahuas, and we don’t require a seatbelt at the table.  We’re safe.

Therefore, the next time a server offers you a bib, please smile confidently and say, “No thank you.  I can manage.”  Because you can.  We all can.  And we should.

Full disclosure:  I have coffee on my shirt.

Comments

  1. I’ve always thought the same thing!! “Seriously… look at that manchild with the bib, he’s not getting laid tonight.”

  2. You sound like you’re judging…I’ve worn a bib to dinner many times and been laid plenty, thank you very much! Of course, the bib is all I wear and it says “your face here” and has an arrow pointing south, if you catch my drift. Yeah, I’m classy like that. Lol.

  3. Nah, the bib says “Im really gonna enjoy this meal!” Nothing wrong with that.

  4. CombatBabe says:

    I always hated those plastic bibs. I rarely go out for lobster or anything, but next time I do, maybe I’ll decline it and see how well I do without it. It will be like a challenge.

  5. monabliss says:

    I also currently have coffee on my shirt. Sigh. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the arrogance with which I decided to wear a pale yellow t-shirt today. The Universe will not allow that to go unchecked…oh no it won’t.

  6. Hilarious! You’ve got to come up and eat Louisiana style BBQ shrimp and NOT ruin your outfit. I offered aprons to my last dinner guests, but somehow they still managed to stain their shirts.

  7. I have a rather “generous balcony” – when I eat out I try to put on a top that matches the colour of the sauce … red for pasta sauce, creamy white for anything with cream, green for pesto … If you cannot avoid it, join in … Camouflage.

  8. I heart you and this post.

  9. This post is truly a public service – once men follow your sage advice, they’ll get laid left and right, thus solving all war and environmental issues in one swoop. They’ll put your face on a stamp or a coin or a slurpee in tribute! Of course, the plastics industry is none too pleased with you right now … hysterical post!

    • Yes! That’s exactly what the world needs: a coin with my face on it. Oy vey…I didn’t think of the plastics industry, but that’s another reason to say no to bibs. It takes 9,000 years for them to break down. That’s not a scientific fact. It could be less or more…But thanks for reading and chiming in!

  10. Does this include me when I am wearing a white blouse at an Italian restaurant? Or any restaurant with sauces? or food?

  11. Haha! I always take great pride in refusing the bib and saying things like “I’m from New England. I’ve got this.”

    Then I spend the entire meal nearly paralyzed with fear that I am going to cover myself in lobster innards and don’t enjoy it at all.

    The solution — just order the lobster roll.

  12. Bibs are very much an American dining experience. I have not seen this in real life ever in Australia. Thank. God.

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