I’m sharing this critical information with you because
a) one of my polls revealed that some of you go commando
b) I recently tried to steal a tooth and I was really thankful I had on panties.
If you guessed the tooth was Anna’s, you’re correct. If you assumed this was a simple task, you’re not. She has a loft bed.
Being a very committed and clever thief, I had already moved her chair into the ideal position to reach her pillow when the time came to do the deed. I was teetering on said chair, feeling around the edges of her pillow when I realized her head was precisely over the tooth.
Of course scavenging under her pillow caused her to stir, so I leapt off the chair and hid. No, it’s not creepy at ALL to hide in your child’s bedroom while they’re sleeping.
I waited a full minute, got back on the chair and went after the tooth again. Her eyes sprung open like Chucky.
Anna: Mom, what are you doing?
Shoving a $5 bill in my panties and wishing I was invisible?
Me: I thought I heard you call me. Do you need something?
Anna: No. But I can’t sleep.
Oh my gahhhhd were you awake the whole time I was trying to steal your tooth?
Me: How can I help you? Would you like me to lie down with you (so I can steal your tooth)?
Anna: Yes.
I’m IN! This is going to be so easy.
Sadly she noticed the tooth was no longer directly under her head, so she moved it back to its original location and barricaded all four edges of her pillow with stuffed animals.
I hate my life.
I lay perfectly still for the next 15 minutes daydreaming of setting fire to every one of her tooth-blocking stuffed animals. Then I realized the whole thing a bust because even if I was able to get the tooth without waking her, there was no way for me to escape with it. I need both hands to get down the stupid ladder, and I am NOT putting a tooth in my panties.
I climbed down and went back to my room to muster up the courage to try again. An hour later I charged out of my room with purpose carrying the same five dollar bill…and ran right into Anna.
I promptly shoved the money in my panties AGAIN.
Anna: what you doing?
Me: what are YOU doing?
Totally not suspicious.
Anna: Nothing. Can I get in your bed for a little while?
Yes! I can steal your tooth and you won’t even be in the same room – hooray!
Me: Of course sweetie.
Anna: I need to get my tooth from my room.
We got in bed and my heart raced for another hour before I finally worked up the nerve to try again.
To see if she was asleep I coughed obnoxiously and slid the $5 bill under her pillow. She was OUT, but no sign of the tooth. Because it was on the other side of the pillow by the edge of the bed! This meant I would have to hover over her to get it. Zero chance of recovery if caught.
Lookit, I hate being a big fat liar, telling Anna the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause are real, but at least those fairy tales make sense. Of COURSE there’s a giant-ass rabbit that hides eggs and brings kids chocolate. OBVIOUSLY there’s an old fat man in the North Pole that makes a katrillion toys all year to give to children. But the Tooth Fairy is just weird and stupid. In what universe does it make sense for a fairy to stalk a child, wait for them to fall asleep, steal their disgusting bloody tooth, and then leave cash under the child’s pillow to justify their own nasty tooth fetish? I’ll tell you – in a universe I don’t want to live in.
Also, I’m not really appreciating that we spend YEARS telling our children that stealing is wrong, and then creep around our houses at night stealing their teeth.
Given my distaste for this absurd and never-ending ruse I knew I needed to get the tooth and go to sleep. Why? Because I was EXHAUSTED and everyone knows that’s the most difficult time to lie. One more ” Mom what are you doing?” was going to end with me blurting out, “I’m trying to steal your tooth! There is no such thing as the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny! Santa Claus isn’t real! I’m the only one in this house that’s allowed to have cash in their panties! I’m not a stripper! Why are you interrogating me???? I want to go to sleeeeeeep!”
Thankfully she didn’t wake up. I successfully snatched the tooth and collapsed in the bed beside her.
The next morning (read: three hours later), she woke up and beamed with joy over her $5. Clearly that’s why we do all this ridiculous stuff, but I will forever maintain that the Tooth Fairy is the dumbest shit in the history of EVER. Possibly with the exception of paying to have dolls’ ears pierced.
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