Worst final minutes of dinner conversation. Ever. (with 8yo).
Anna: May I have some more green beans?
Anna: Where is Berri’s vagina? (cat)
Anna: Will you show me?
me: No, we need to be respectful of her private area.
Anna: But I can see her hiney hole already.
Anna: George’s bunny is going to have babies. (10 yo neighbor)
me: That (change in subject) is awesome – how exciting!
Anna: Why did we get our cats sprayed?
me: We got them spayed so they wouldn’t have kittens.
Anna: Aw, can we get them unspayed?
me: No, you can’t undo that procedure.
Anna: So before that, they had babies inside?
me: No, they have to mate to have babies.
Anna: What is mate?
me: (Choose another word she doesn’t know) copulate.
Anna: What does that mean?
me: It means (I want to stab myself in the eye with my fork) the male and female get together and make a baby.
Anna: Yeah, but what do they do?
me: Um, well, (wow, really?) the male puts his penis…
She cuts me off.
Anna: Mom you’re freaking me out.
me: Oh (trust I already won “Miss Freaked Out”) really, honey? Why are you freaked out?
Anna: Can’t you call it something else?
me: Well, I could, but I think it’s better if we stick to anatomically correct terms (so I can distance myself from the subject and pretend I don’t know you).
Anna: Okay puts it where?
me: In her vaginaandthenmagichappensandtheymakeababy. More corn?
Anna: How does the magic work?
me: Sweetie let’s buy a book tomorrow. There are some really great books especially for kids about this very topic.
Anna: Okay. Does Berri have a period?
me: (W.T.F. is happening?) You mean, like a period period?
Anna: Why not?
me: Because we got her spayed.
Anna: What would happen if we didn’t? Would she need a tampon?
me: They don’t make cat tampons.
Anna: Why not?
me: Because no cat would tolerate it.
Anna: I’m going to make cat tampons.
Anna: Mom, George told me the Easter bunny isn’t real. He said it’s really just your parents. Is that true?
Anna: Really Mom?
DAMMIT! I promised her I would always answer any question truthfully unless it would be inappropriate for her age, in which case we would pick it up again when she’s old enough. If I tell her the truth, it will break her heart, and ruin Easter, and every other awesome dishonest holiday. If I lie, it will break my heart, along with my promise.
me: The Easter bunny is real.
Anna: I need to let George know tomorrow.