Big. Fat. Liar.

Worst final minutes of dinner conversation.  Ever.  (with 8yo).

Anna:  May I have some more green beans?

me:  Sure.

Anna:  Where is Berri’s vagina? (cat)

me:  Seriously?

Anna:  Will you show me?

me:  No, we need to be respectful of her private area.

Anna:  But I can see her hiney hole already.

me:  Correct.

Anna:  George’s bunny is going to have babies. (10 yo neighbor)

me:  That (change in subject) is awesome – how exciting!

Anna:  Why did we get our cats sprayed?

me:  We got them spayed so they wouldn’t have kittens.

Anna:  Aw, can we get them unspayed?

me:  No, you can’t undo that procedure.

Anna:  So before that, they had babies inside?

me:  No, they have to mate to have babies.

Anna:  What is mate?

me:  (Choose another word she doesn’t know) copulate.

Anna:  What does that mean?

me:  It means (I want to stab myself in the eye with my fork) the male and female get together and make a baby.

Anna:  Sex?

me:  Yes.

Anna:  Yeah, but what do they do?

me:  Um, well, (wow, really?) the male puts his penis…

She cuts me off.

Anna:  Mom you’re freaking me out.

me:  Oh (trust I already won “Miss Freaked Out”) really, honey?  Why are you freaked out?

Anna:  Can’t you call it something else?

me:  Well, I could, but I think it’s better if we stick to anatomically correct terms (so I can distance myself from the subject and pretend I don’t know you).

Anna:  Okay puts it where?

me:  In her vaginaandthenmagichappensandtheymakeababy.  More corn?

Anna:  How does the magic work?

me:  Sweetie let’s buy a book tomorrow.  There are some really great books especially for kids about this very topic.

Anna:  Okay.  Does Berri have a period?

me:  (W.T.F. is happening?)  You mean, like a period period?

Anna:  Yes

me:  No

Anna:  Why not?

me:  Because we got her spayed.

Anna:  What would happen if we didn’t?  Would she need a tampon?

me:  They don’t make cat tampons.

Anna: Why not?

me:  Because no cat would tolerate it.

Anna:  I’m going to make cat tampons.

me:

Anna:  Mom, George told me the Easter bunny isn’t real.  He said it’s really just your parents.  Is that true?

me:  Nooo.

Anna:  Really Mom?

DAMMIT!  I promised her I would always answer any question truthfully unless it would be inappropriate for her age, in which case we would pick it up again when she’s old enough.  If I tell her the truth, it will break her heart, and ruin Easter, and every other awesome dishonest holiday.  If I lie, it will break my heart, along with my promise.

Anna:  Mom?

me:  The Easter bunny is real.

Anna:  I need to let George know tomorrow.

Super.

Comments

  1. Wow. That sounds brutal. And that does NOT count as a lie. Nice job!

  2. This is so real and funny and frightening…When my daughter was just a teensy bit older she told me she was never going to have a period. Her sister told her she’d have to have it. She said, uh uh. We asked her what she was going to do. “I’m going to read instead.” Good luck with that, I thought. Love your posts…

  3. She’s awesome; you’re awesome. Hiney hole— the best.

  4. My kid is now 24 but I remember the Santa day… it was like shootout at the OK Corral…I can still hear him asking….”You lied?” UGH!

  5. You are hilarious, I can’t believe I’m only now finding out about your blog, I miss your face, glad to hear Anna is giving you a run for your money lol.

Trackbacks

  1. […] comedy gems.  Por ejemplo:  diaperless volcanic poop scenarios, magic markers in butt cracks, and questions about Easter that involve bunny sex and cat tampons.  However, if you’re spending more time crying than laughing, you may want to take this […]

  2. […] I hate being a big fat liar, telling Anna the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause are real, but at least those fairy tales make […]

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