Worst final minutes of dinner conversation.  Ever.  (with 8yo).

Anna:  May I have some more green beans?

me:  Sure.

Anna:  Where is Berri’s vagina? (cat)

me:  Seriously?

Anna:  Will you show me?

me:  No, we need to be respectful of her private area.

Anna:  But I can see her hiney hole already.

me:  Correct.

Anna:  George’s bunny is going to have babies. (10 yo neighbor)

me:  That (change in subject) is awesome – how exciting!

Anna:  Why did we get our cats sprayed?

me:  We got them spayed so they wouldn’t have kittens.

Anna:  Aw, can we get them unspayed?

me:  No, you can’t undo that procedure.

Anna:  So before that, they had babies inside?

me:  No, they have to mate to have babies.

Anna:  What is mate?

me:  (Choose another word she doesn’t know) copulate.

Anna:  What does that mean?

me:  It means (I want to stab myself in the eye with my fork) the male and female get together and make a baby.

Anna:  Sex?

me:  Yes.

Anna:  Yeah, but what do they do?

me:  Um, well, (wow, really?) the male puts his penis…

She cuts me off.

Anna:  Mom you’re freaking me out.

me:  Oh (trust I already won “Miss Freaked Out”) really, honey?  Why are you freaked out?

Anna:  Can’t you call it something else?

me:  Well, I could, but I think it’s better if we stick to anatomically correct terms (so I can distance myself from the subject and pretend I don’t know you).

Anna:  Okay puts it where?

me:  In her vaginaandthenmagichappensandtheymakeababy.  More corn?

Anna:  How does the magic work?

me:  Sweetie let’s buy a book tomorrow.  There are some really great books especially for kids about this very topic.

Anna:  Okay.  Does Berri have a period?

me:  (W.T.F. is happening?)  You mean, like a period period?

Anna:  Yes

me:  No

Anna:  Why not?

me:  Because we got her spayed.

Anna:  What would happen if we didn’t?  Would she need a tampon?

me:  They don’t make cat tampons.

Anna: Why not?

me:  Because no cat would tolerate it.

Anna:  I’m going to make cat tampons.

me:

Anna:  Mom, George told me the Easter bunny isn’t real.  He said it’s really just your parents.  Is that true?

me:  Nooo.

Anna:  Really Mom?

DAMMIT!  I promised her I would always answer any question truthfully unless it would be inappropriate for her age, in which case we would pick it up again when she’s old enough.  If I tell her the truth, it will break her heart, and ruin Easter, and every other awesome dishonest holiday.  If I lie, it will break my heart, along with my promise.

Anna:  Mom?

me:  The Easter bunny is real.

Anna:  I need to let George know tomorrow.

Super.