Baggage Claim

These items were waiting for me when I got home tonight.

bookandladder

I ordered them both myself, but I still felt my colon hiccup when I opened the box. It wasn’t because I live in fear of escaping a flaming house and training my 8yo to do the same. I was about to shit my pants over having to go through the It’s So Amazing book (about eggs, sperm, birth, babies and families). This means talking to my girl about committed adult relationships, which include sex if you’re not blowing it. Wait. That was so unintentionally bad I have to leave it in the post.

Honestly I’d like to use that fire escape ladder to crawl right out of my life and avoid all this, but I promised to buy her a children’s book about this topic last month when she cornered me at the dinner table about cat vaginas and bunny sex.  Handling the other parts of the conversation about marriage, why her dad and I aren’t still married, and if we’re going to marry other people, will be relatively easy.  Her looking at me and saying “ew” when she realizes I’ve had sex is the part I’m not looking forward to.  Kids already think sex is gross, but their mom having sex is a whole new level of disgusting.

Basically all this stuff stokes the internal-shit fire in me. I’d rather stab myself with that hot poker than deal with it, but my goal is to avoid having my kid end up on a couch with a box of tissue saying it’s all my fault. Hold on.  Of course she’s going to end up on a couch and say it’s all my fault. That’s what kids do. Then they realize their insurance plan only covers so much and they need to shit or get off the pot and start living for tomorrow instead of yesterday. That’s what happened to me anyway. Except I paid cash because I didn’t have insurance until I was 30.

Point: in the middle of my anxiety attack in the garage, I asked my self, “what in the fuck is going on with you? You’re approaching this Q&A with an 8yo like you’re presenting a national plan to incorporate dog meat into school cafeterias.”

Here’s what the fuck was going with me: when I imagined her tiny face while having that discussion, it wasn’t my grown-up, loving mom self that was sitting there with her. It was my 8yo self, filled with fear, anger, and disappointment about this topic.  I witnessed sex in adult relationships too early, with  too many people, in inappropriate ways, and it colored my view.  I exited my childhood with a lot of fucked up information about what intimacy is, what love is, what respect is.  My view of sex was entirely negative.  It took me a while to get over that, but I eventually realized that none of the things I saw were my decisions to make.  The adults in my life were doing the best they could with the information they had.  But that’s their shit, not mine.

When I recognized that, and realized that Anna’s experience will be totally different from mine, I lost my shit a little bit. In a good way.  It was like watching bags on an airport baggage carousel, and finally knowing:  that bag doesn’t belong to me.

Comments

  1. Laura S. says:

    bravo

  2. I love your insights!

  3. One of the hardest lessons of being a mom is realizing that our baggage is not their baggage. It’s taken me years to get over the idea that my girls will see the world the same way I do or have the angst I had. Good for you for zeroing in on this when your daughter is still so young. Congratulations, kiddo!

  4. They recommend over here only to answer the questions asked and not to try to shove all your knowledge into your child.
    Children have questions – but they usually do not go into depth. Maybe your child even sensed your squeemish approach – and that is why she wanted a book and wanted to learn from there what her mom was so unwilling to touch. She does not want you to be uneasy.
    She still wants and needs to know some things. How moms become moms. That is the age they wonder about those things. We were taught sex ed at that age. The facts of the beginning of life, not the facts about how you do have sex. Those two are separable.

    No need to teach her about the Kamasutra – yet 😉 *The last sentence was meant humorous, just in case I did not get that over – have my problems there*

    • Oh believe it. I’m honest to a fault if there is such a thing. So most serious conversations with her scare the shit out of me – I’m afraid I’ll give 12 or 14 yo information when it’s not time yet. Anywho, all good advice, and I’ll keep it in mind when I start that book with her this weekend : ). Thanks for reading and commenting!

      • Well, I am not the best equipped to give you advice. Information, yes, any time. But advice? I am not a parent myself.
        Just – when she is 12 she starts puberty. I don’t think she will turn to you then about sex information.They usually trust their “BFF”s at 12 a lot more than their then “awkward, embarassing” mom. Stupid, but that’s the fate of parents. So with her asking now is the best time to pass on something.

  5. Geez, if you want, I’ll come talk to her about sex. I’m a good person and always willing to help like that.

  6. As always, highly entertaining.

  7. I think I would rather present a national plan to incorporate dog meat into school cafeterias…. I freaked out when Ronald asked me what “jacking off” meant. I’m really going to freak out when he figures out that “doing sex,” as he calls it doesn’t mean just kissing. Yikes!

  8. That you were able to so thoughtfully articulate all of this means that, other than a little unavoidable embarrassment on both of your parts, this talk is going to go just fine. And, if things start spiraling out of control, you can just distract her with the escape ladder?

    • WORD. Because I might be climbing down it to make my escape haha. Y’all’s(?) blog cracks me UP. Well done!

      • Thank you so much! We’re the new kids on the blog block with like 5 readers so your words of encouragement are amazing and beyond appreciated. Maybe we can really do this? Your words will keep me writing and off my blog escape ladder, although I’m going to keep it near my laptop just in case.

      • I can totally relate-I started this blog two months ago, and it’s a whole new world. [You have to sing that line out loud Alladin style from the animated feature or it doesn’t count]. So great to meet you!

  9. Oh god… I can’t even imagine what that moment will be like when my child is finally old enough to ask. I bet that feeling after you worked through it was great though, and I’m sure you’ll handle the situation well! Like someone else said to me over on one of my ‘worry’ blogs, just the fact that you put so much thought into it, shows how awesome you are and will be with these types of situations.

  10. I have similar baggage and I know my days of slightly avoiding the topics altogether are coming to an end. Is it ok to say I’m glad you are going through it first and that I will be mirroring all your good efforts to make this even a little easier? You are awesome.

    • Thanks Carinn – I appreciate being on the parenting superhighway with you. It’s no joke right? Except for when it’s really funny, and then it totally is. Thanks for reading and commenting. You and your blog rule.

  11. I love it when things like this are waiting for me at home.

  12. Molly! So good. I am going to die when this comes up for us. Well, not die, but it’s going to be tough for exactly the reasons you mention. God bless you. Lead the way.

    • We’re all gonna get through this craziness together even if it kills us haha. You’re the best! I can’t wait til we finally meet in person one day!

  13. buskattungen says:

    Oh my gosh!!! I had that book when I was little… I don’t remember if it was in Swedish or English though… My parents bought a lot of English books too when me and my brother was little ^-^
    Take care!!

  14. You are an awesome mom as well as a terrific writer. I especially loved this part:
    ‘I asked my self, “what in the fuck is going on with you? You’re approaching this Q&A with an 8yo like you’re presenting a national plan to incorporate dog meat into school cafeterias.”’

    Even with your words of wisdom, I still don’t think I want to reproduce so I can escape situations like this.

    • Hey thanks! Being a mom is no joke, except that it’s really hilarious a lot of the time. But that’s bc I laugh when I’m not supposed to. Never mind. You’re awesome!

  15. I don’t know how you happened upon me, but I am so glad you did, because you are pretty hilarious. I love this post. My son is 7, and I think I will wait until he’s 21 to have that talk. Although he has started asking a lot of questions about kissing lately. All I have to say is ewww… I don’t know why I am acting like the 7yo but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Not yet. I think that’s OK, I don’t think boys care as much as girls. And yes, I’m going to keep telling myself that.

    • Hahaha – kids are a TRIP, right? I found you on Yeah Write – I was a lurker last week (bc I’m not bueno with technology). Great to hear from you : )

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