Liebster Shenanigans


I’d rather eat a deep-fried turd than say anything about myself that doesn’t naturally come up in conversation. Therefore, the requirement to “post 11 facts about yourself,” and then “answer 11 more questions about yourself” has caused me to sit on this award for so long I’m technically no longer eligible for it. Three solid weeks, and I’ve felt like an ungrateful jerkoff for 20 of those 21 days. I can’t take it any more.

Another deterrent? This award is for new bloggers who have under 200 followers. I’ve scoured every blog I follow, looked at all your blog rolls, followed more amazing blogs in the process, and here’s the situation: all of you except three (listed below) are so awesome you already have more than 200 followers, or the number of followers isn’t discernible, and I’d rather not be the rookie doosh who passes this award to a published author who will in turn thank me by having their assistant send me autographed copies of their three most recent best-selling novels. I can feel like an idiot any time I want to all by myself in the privacy of my own life. I don’t need help.

Therefore, CALL TO ACTION, if you know a great new blogger that hasn’t hit this magical mark of 200 followers, PLEASE for the love of gahd and all that may or may not be holy, put a link to their blog in the comments section. When I get 8 more, for a total 11, which I’m fully committed to because I’m earnest that way, I will list them all together in a big we-love-you-go-forth-and-prosper-your-Leiber-head-off post.


THANK YOU Rico’s Ramblings for nominating my blog for this award that I don’t understand but am super psyched to receive!

If y’all aren’t familiar with big daddy Rico (he goes by that name in my mind only), check out his post from yesterday about Mexican drag queens on a high school cheerleading squad. You know you want to.

The Rules:

  1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog. [Done.]
  2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answer the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees. [Done, and done, and I’m using the same questions because I have a job and offspring.]
  3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen. [28% done.]
  4. Display the Liebster Award logo. [Done.]
  5. No tag back thingys. [I don’t know what this means, but it sounds like “you’re it!” or “cheater!” should follow.]

11 Facts you should only know about me if we’re friends, or you’ve been following me:

1. I was raised by drug smugglers, hippies, and circus performers.

2. I moved from Myrtle Beach to Los Angeles 14 years ago with $300, no job and an internet roommate. I began my career in television the following Tuesday. Turns out if you don’t want to be an actor, and you don’t drink at work, you can be successful in this business.

3. Sometimes I deliver important information in a Venezuelan accent because it’s fun to watch people wonder what the fuck I’m doing but not ask because it’s considered rude and unprofessional (now that I live in Atlanta). I’ve never been to Venezuela.

4. I ask people at work what the fuck they’re doing even though it’s considered rude and unprofessional. I prefer LA where that’s not frowned upon.

5. I’m deeply committed to good craftsmanship, organization and visual aesthetics. I’m a ruthless editor of personal space. Every room in my house has as little as possible in it. My daughter’s room doesn’t count. She’s a hippie. It skips a generation.

5. I ask too many questions. Always.

6. I drink a gallon of water every day because I can’t NOT. I’ve tried.

6. I prefer to be behind the camera. If forced to be in front of the camera, the image will most likely contain my middle finger and/or my tongue. Eyes may also be crossed, and I will probably be squishing my boobs together in an effort to insure it will be entirely unusable.

7. I’m an efficiency and productivity machine. I can do the work of five people in half the time because I want to go outside and play.

8. I’m a dopamine junkie. Skydiving, dirt bikes, trapeze, speeding…if it makes my heart beat fast, I’m in.

9. I love chipmunks and hamsters so much it makes my brain hurt. Both of our hamsters died on Christmas Day. Can you believe that shit? I guess they hated their gifts. We could have just talked about it, but they were like this is bullshit and we’re out. The wheel sucked, too. Why don’t you stagger up the stairs Joan Crawford style in your jammie pant-suit with piping and cry about it? And I did.

10. On an annual basis I eat more red meat, cheese and olive oil than the southern half of Italy. I’m totally okay with it. If ever gain a pound, I’ll reconsider and not change.

11. My nickname is mini-python because I often go a day or two without food because eating is boring. When I do get hungry, I eat roughly 17,459 calories at one time, and I’ll eat anything that doesn’t get to me first.

The Eleven Questions:

1. If you could be a superhero, what power would you want? The power to destroy everyone’s inner critic so dreams could be pursued without experiencing any fear.

2. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Coke in a can, or Coke in a bottle. But I’m caffeine intolerant and bounce off the walls 28 minutes after drinking it, so I can only have one per day, and it must be before noon or I won’t sleep until the next night.

3. What do you believe in? I believe in putting others first, and then immediately getting a pedicure. I also believe sand and salt water will fix almost anything.

4. Who inspires you? Everyone. But especially old people. I like seeing the wisdom in the lines on their faces, and how unfuckable-with they are. They’ve seen so much, if it’s not famine or war, they can’t be bothered. I respect it.

5. Are you an Old Soul or Young at Heart? Yes.

6. What was your first job? Gutting and cleaning fish caught by tourists on deep-sea fishing expeditions. Not sexy, but it paid for Galaga and fireballs, and I kicked ASS in science that year.

7. If you could go back in time and change one event in history, what would it be? I don’t know anything about all that. But I’d like a do-over on that whole shitty part where people thought it was okay to own other people.

8. What is your dream car? G6. Whut? It’s a sky car. Or a Porsche 911.

9. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? I’m a Gemini. This is not a fair question.

10. Dog person or cat person? I preferred dogs until I turned 30, then I switched to cats. Today I’d like to have no animals so I could be selfish and unreliable.

11. What one place would you like to visit before you die? Valentino’s summer house.

Here are my first three of 11 nominees:

Ah dad

Dad, It’s ok!

Would Rather Vomit

Full stop. That’s not a blog. I’m saying this post is over.

Your mama.


  1. You’re a good egg!

  2. You sound like somebody I’d really really love to be around or really really hate to have to be around.

  3. Thank you for the cyber love, Molly by Golly.

  4. Deserved award, your blog is really cool!

  5. What did you do when you were in LA? Newscaster?

    • They don’t like it when you flip people off and squish your boobs together on camera. That’s why I’ve always been on the other side of it. I’m in charge of all the money. Terrifying huh?

  6. I found my new addiction. This is real funny shit. Can I nominate you again?

  7. I just love you, but you know that. 🙂

  8. I’m pretty sure I saw deep-fried turds at the fair this year…

  9. At first, I thought your old people comment read ‘how unfuckable they are’ and I thought ‘wow, that’s not so nice’. But then I reread the sentence, and everything was made clear.

  10. The questions have changed since I did this, and I’m loving your answers! I too have mini-python tendencies, my husband is a Gemini, and though I am Young At Heart (not an Old Soul) I love anyone who answers Yes to an “or” question. Loved this!

  11. I have around 100 followers and am willing to be your bitch.

  12. I’m jealous of how funny you are. But never stop.

  13. That is some serious sass. Nobody messes with your daughter at the playground with a mother like that, I’m assuming? I’m loving it (cue McDonald’s theme music)

  14. Hey thanks! And way to make me feel like an ass for taking three weeks haha! Awesome answers on all the questions and great new questions! You rock – keep up the great work!


  1. […] things on this site, so here’s hoping you get your shit together and go read her stuff.  Check this out…  I hope to be just as funny when I grow up, and write at least half as […]

  2. […] love her for a number of reasons.  First of all, she once said that she’d rather eat a deep-fried turd than say anything about herself that doesn’t just naturally come up in conversation.  A […]

  3. […] Yet somehow I ended up being the obsessive jackass who spent $400 trying to keep a $4 Betta fish alive and collapsed in on myself when our hamsters died. […]

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