There’s a spirit that seeps into your throat at night and sucks your soul out through your stomach and kills you. That’s the stuff 8 yo’s are telling each other these days to fuck each other up.
That’s a party at bedtime.
File under: who told you this so I can burn down their house?
I explained that there is no such thing, which was difficult in that the girl who told her this tale backed it up in some way with a VIDEO on the internet. Seriously? What in the FUCK? Where was I? I hate google, and YouTube, and the world wide web of fear and disaster.
I continued with the strategy that all parents do: the internet is an extension of tv and movies. It’s make-up and costumes and special effects. It’s not real.
“But I saw it.”
Ohforfucksake. In addition to arson, I’m going to break someone’s kneecaps in their driveway while the house is aglow.
But then she changed gears.
She’s afraid of being kidnapped.
I’m sorry – what honey?
[Internal voice: I’ve just driven six hours, after four days of non-stop family (90% women), burning cash like it’s counterfeited bills, sidestepping redneck children who swear in public and shit in the lazy river. Can we suspend fear until I unpack the car, start laundry, and put away our suitcases?]
No, because she’s afraid someone’s going to come in her window and take her.
me: The windows only open from the inside.
Anna: But they can break it.
me: Sweetie have you ever heard breaking glass?
me: Well, it’s really loud. And I would hear it, and come beat somebody’s ASS.
Anna: It’s okay that you said a bad word.
me: Thanks. I’m just trying to illustrate the point that if I’m in the house, trust that you’re safe. I have mom ears. I hear everything.
Anna: Do you really have eyes in the back of your head?
me: No, but I know what you’re thinking before you do because I’ve been here for a long time.
Anna: Okay good because that was really freaking me out.
me: You’re the one talking about kidnapping and intruders. Que en el mundo?
Anna: Well someone might come in and take me. Does Daddy have dad ears?
me: NO ONE is going to come in here and take you. And yes, Daddy has dad ears.
Anna: I’m going to ask him tomorrow when he picks me up.
me: Great. I love you, and sweet dreams.
Anna: Mom, does anything scare you?
me: Of course. I have an active imagination, too.
Anna: What are you afraid of?
me: Can we talk about it tomorrow in the daylight?
Anna: I love you, Mom.
me: I love you, too.
I’m afraid of all the things she’s afraid of, plus fire, and zombies, and the apocalypse. The only difference is when I hear a creak in the stairwell, or a branch against my window, I don’t have anyone here to say, “NO ONE is going to come in here and take you.”
Therefore, I, along with all the other single moms, should receive an Academy Award for acting brave when we feel anything but.
I would also like the couture Dior dress Jennifer Lawrence got to wear for her performance this year.
I promise not to fall up the stairs when I make my acceptance speech.