Dread of Household

There’s a spirit that seeps into your throat at night and sucks your soul out through your stomach and kills you. That’s the stuff 8 yo’s are telling each other these days to fuck each other up.

That’s a party at bedtime.

File under: who told you this so I can burn down their house?

I explained that there is no such thing, which was difficult in that the girl who told her this tale backed it up in some way with a VIDEO on the internet. Seriously? What in the FUCK? Where was I? I hate google, and YouTube, and the world wide web of fear and disaster.

I continued with the strategy that all parents do: the internet is an extension of tv and movies. It’s make-up and costumes and special effects. It’s not real.

“But I saw it.”

Ohforfucksake. In addition to arson, I’m going to break someone’s kneecaps in their driveway while the house is aglow.

But then she changed gears.

She’s afraid of being kidnapped.

I’m sorry – what honey?

[Internal voice: I’ve just driven six hours, after four days of non-stop family (90% women), burning cash like it’s counterfeited bills, sidestepping redneck children who swear in public and shit in the lazy river. Can we suspend fear until I unpack the car, start laundry, and put away our suitcases?]

No, because she’s afraid someone’s going to come in her window and take her.

me: The windows only open from the inside.

Anna: But they can break it.

me: Sweetie have you ever heard breaking glass?

Anna: No.

me: Well, it’s really loud. And I would hear it, and come beat somebody’s ASS.

Anna: It’s okay that you said a bad word.

me: Thanks. I’m just trying to illustrate the point that if I’m in the house, trust that you’re safe. I have mom ears. I hear everything.

Anna: Do you really have eyes in the back of your head?

me: No, but I know what you’re thinking before you do because I’ve been here for a long time.

Anna: Okay good because that was really freaking me out.

me: You’re the one talking about kidnapping and intruders. Que en el mundo?

Anna: Well someone might come in and take me. Does Daddy have dad ears?

me: NO ONE is going to come in here and take you. And yes, Daddy has dad ears.

Anna: I’m going to ask him tomorrow when he picks me up.

me: Great. I love you, and sweet dreams.

Anna: Mom, does anything scare you?

me: Of course. I have an active imagination, too.

Anna: What are you afraid of?

me: Can we talk about it tomorrow in the daylight?

Anna: Sure.

me: Great.

Anna: I love you, Mom.

me: I love you, too.

I’m afraid of all the things she’s afraid of, plus fire, and zombies, and the apocalypse. The only difference is when I hear a creak in the stairwell, or a branch against my window, I don’t have anyone here to say, “NO ONE is going to come in here and take you.”

Therefore, I, along with all the other single moms, should receive an Academy Award for acting brave when we feel anything but.

I would also like the couture Dior dress Jennifer Lawrence got to wear for her performance this year.

I promise not to fall up the stairs when I make my acceptance speech.

Comments

  1. I told my daughter that sometimes kids are taken by people who live in nicer houses near the beach. She’s been sleeping in a tent in the yard for 6 months now.

    Kids are using the Internet to tell ghost stories now? What the fuck?

    • I think that only happens if the dude is twice your age and trying to piss off his ex-wife. But fuck. A plan is a plan. I respect it!

      And yes, ghost stories are apparently no longer told with flashlights and s’mores. Buncha boohlshit if you ask me…

  2. UGH…I can relate to this so much. Great post Molly. We DO deserve academy awards for acting brave when we are feeling anything but. xoxoxo

  3. That is too funny, Hell, we should all be afraid, but then, what good would that do.
    Think of the time you save by not thinking about it. I’ll settle for not having to continuously cancel and rebook flights (which cost $75 every time I do it.) I try to be proactive and book early to save money then change my mind or someone changes it for me. I promise not to fall up the steps at the airport. I’ll buy a Starbucks to be sure that I am alert.

    • Yeah – falling up stairs is never good. Neither is buying a Starbucks franchise when you already have a job. You may want to start with a latte. Happy trails! Wait. That sounds bad. Bon Voyage! Better.

  4. Zombies freak me out. And I’ve always been deathly afraid of KISS in full makeup. The band, not the other thing. I had a little too much to drink one night last year and was convinced that Gene Simmons was under my bed.

    • Bahahaha – that is genius! Yeah KISS always worried me, too, but my sister loved them so I ran into their album cover from time to time. I lived. But my bed sits flat on the floor just in case. I’m not trying to have any people or weird stuff under my bed. That’s a fact. Thanks for stopping by!

  5. Weve had similar issues here. Why didn’t I think of arson?

  6. Best thing I’ve ever heard a mom say to her kid: “And I would hear it, and come beat somebody’s ASS.” Love it!

    • Hey thanks! I try to be inappropriate as much as possible in front of my 8yo. Actually, that’s only the second time I’ve sworn in front of her, which is a miracle. I was exhausted from a six hour drive and trying my best to get her to shut her mouth so we could both sleep.

      • I love it! I try not to curse in front of mine, either, so the few times I have, I could actually see my smartass 11-year-old fighting himself to not say, “Ooooh Mom, you cursed” only because he knew that I meant business and was scared I’d kill him. Ha.

      • Right??? Believe it!

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