I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions because historically I don’t keep them and I don’t need anything else to feel bad about mkay? However, I do take a minute to identify 10 things I would like to have more of in the new year. Note: rough notions like the ones below are dangerous. Turns out you need to be very specific when you request things from the universe – it’s very busy. Leaving anything open to interpretation is foolish. Here’s why: all of my wishes were granted on Friday and it went like this.
1. I’d like to be driven more – because it’s a luxury and I get lost on my own street.
I did not mean in a roaring flickering ambulance with one dude jamming a needle into my arm and the other one squishing goo into my mouth.
2. Meet more people – because strangers are just friends you haven’t made yet.
I did not mean 37 nurses, 12 radiologists and four doctors.
3. Be more open – there’s freedom in that.
I did not mean peeing in a bathroom that had a curtain for a door while a hospital gown hung precariously off one shoulder completely unfastened in the back.
4. Be more patient – it’s a virtue.
I did not mean waiting two hours for pain medication while writhing on a gurney wanting to kill someone.
5. Have more cocktails and merriment – because cocktails and merriment.
I did not mean the nasty shit they make you drink before a cat scan so your guts glow in the dark.
6. Try something I’ve never experienced before. New is good.
I did not mean having electrical currents searing through by butt cheeks to my pubic bone to test the nerve reactions in my nether region.
7. Push the boundaries of my wardrobe – step outside the J Crew box, experiment.
I did not mean wearing my pajamas in public after being discharged from the hospital.
8. Rest more – I’m always going 100mph.
I did not mean being ordered to stay in bed for 9,000 hours due to passing a kidney stone.
9. Accept set-backs with grace – because Jackie O is my hero.
I did not mean having to push my vacation back a day and being so high on pain meds I don’t understand the word vacation.
10. Be thankful – because it attracts more good into your life.
This one is always good no matter how it’s interpreted. I’m thankful I still have a sense of humor when unpleasant things happen. The lady filling out my discharge paperwork asked me what my religion is and I said, “Prada.” She was not amused.
Seriously, I’m thankful there are no more stones in my kidneys that need to be coaxed out. I’m also thankful for friends like you.
Word of caution for you: the universe works swiftly. Please make sure you’ve been very specific with your requests for 2014.
Have you had a request or wish go terribly wrong?