Be Careful What You Wish For…

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions because historically I don’t keep them and I don’t need anything else to feel bad about mkay?  However, I do take a minute to identify 10 things I would like to have more of in the new year.  Note:  rough notions like the ones below are dangerous. Turns out you need to be very specific when you request things from the universe – it’s very busy. Leaving anything open to interpretation is foolish. Here’s why:  all of my wishes were granted on Friday and it went like this.

1. I’d like to be driven more – because it’s a luxury and I get lost on my own street.

I did not mean in a roaring flickering ambulance with one dude jamming a needle into my arm and the other one squishing goo into my mouth.

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2. Meet more people – because strangers are just friends you haven’t made yet.

I did not mean 37 nurses, 12 radiologists and four doctors.

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3. Be more open – there’s freedom in that.

I did not mean peeing in a bathroom that had a curtain for a door while a hospital gown hung precariously off one shoulder completely unfastened in the back.

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4. Be more patient – it’s a virtue.

I did not mean waiting two hours for pain medication while writhing on a gurney wanting to kill someone.

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5. Have more cocktails and merriment – because cocktails and merriment.

I did not mean the nasty shit they make you drink before a cat scan so your guts glow in the dark.

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6.  Try something I’ve never experienced before.  New is good.

I did not mean having electrical currents searing through by butt cheeks to my pubic bone to test the nerve reactions in my nether region.

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7. Push the boundaries of my wardrobe – step outside the J Crew box, experiment.

I did not mean wearing my pajamas in public after being discharged from the hospital.

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8. Rest more – I’m always going 100mph.

I did not mean being ordered to stay in bed for 9,000 hours due to passing a kidney stone.

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9. Accept set-backs with grace – because Jackie O is my hero.

I did not mean having to push my vacation back a day and being so high on pain meds I don’t understand the word vacation.

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10. Be thankful – because it attracts more good into your life.

This one is always good no matter how it’s interpreted.  I’m thankful I still have a sense of humor when unpleasant things happen.  The lady filling out my discharge paperwork asked me what my religion is and I said, “Prada.”  She was not amused.

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Seriously, I’m thankful there are no more stones in my kidneys that need to be coaxed out.  I’m also thankful for friends like you.

Word of caution for you:  the universe works swiftly. Please make sure you’ve been very specific with your requests for 2014.

Have you had a request or wish go terribly wrong?

Comments

  1. Tyler Watkins says:

    Oh my!

    • Oh my is right. No thank you. Glad that’s off the list of shitty things that can happen in the middle of the night when you’re home alone. Boooo. I hope you’re exempt : )

  2. This is a very amusing post and I enjoyed reading it, haha. Although, I’m sure those kidney stones were not so amusing. 😦

  3. Oh God, I wanted to lose weight. I could lose a leg and lose weight! I didn’t fucking clarify!!! Prada?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hate people with no sense of humor. I’m glad you’re on the mend, Molly. You should send Anna’s doll to American Girl medical school for future issues that may arise.

    • No no no – nothing about losing weight! Far too dangerous! Yes Megan and Kit have already been sent to medical school – they’ll be ready to practice in four weeks : ). Happy 2014 Don!

  4. Fun post. All the best for a full recovery and super 2014.

    2014: #1 NY Times non-fiction best seller and total world domination. Is that too specific?

  5. Love this though I hope you feel better! The baby one is fantastic! 🙂

  6. Ouch! Glad to hear that’s all sorted out.
    Very sad the nurse didn’t laugh at “Prada”. I wish her a better sense of humor.

  7. ❤ Molly

  8. By “driven” I thought you meant ambition. You mean, like, in a car? I need more of the first kind. Lots more.

    Cocktails are to comfort as merriment is to joy. So this is a continuation of the Christmas season, and I’m happy to see that. In New York, people do nothing but complain about Christmas, but I love it. I’m sad to see the season end and am sorry that the big star suspended above 5th Avenue and 57th Street come down this weekend.

    I have to be perfectly honest and admit that I stopped caring about my clothing and how I appear in public. Too bad for My Bride, as she is seen with me, but I can’t TELL you how liberating it’s been.

    Yeah. The setback thing. I need to work on that, too. Not very manly of me to carry on the way I do when something doesn’t go my way.

    • Haha I meant driven like in a vehicle. I have plenty of the other drive. You can have some of mine for the new year – virtual passing of drive just happened : )

      I love Christmas too – it’s my favorite time of year! Always makes me sad to take all the decorations down. The bonus is it makes me move very quickly to get it over with. Christmas disappears from our house in about 73 minutes like the mafia sent a cleaner in to finish the job…I’m sorry you’re bummed about the star coming down – I would be too : (

      I’m working on the not caring about my appearance in public but the south is hard to overcome haha. Good for you for being over it and free!

      I think we can probably all do a little better at managing disappointments more gracefully. It’s a worthy pursuit. However, I have a hard time imagining you being anything but manly : )

      Happy 2014 Mark – you’re one of my very faves! XO

      • Mollytopia, you are one of my faves, as well. I’ll bet you say that to all your commentators but I really mean it. And, I swear, that obscure Todd Rundgren song STILL plays in my head every time I come here. I invite you to click over when you’re free. My last post will get your knickers up in a twist. I’m happy with how it reads, and I’m rarely able to admit that to myself.

      • Ugg, I’m such a doosh for not replying before now. You truly are one of my very favorites. I loved your recent post on technology and richy rich – I commented there. I need to go back and catch up on the other ones I’ve missed. Do you recall which post you were talking about specifically in your comment? I’d like to read that one first.

  9. Ouch! I really, really hope I never get those.

  10. Specificity will be my new goal. Thanks to this post, I now see how being vague can be a very dangerous thing. Hope you’re back to 100% and enjoying vacation, cocktails and merriment, in your Prada.

  11. Poor Molly! I’ve never had a kidney stone. A broken neck, yes. A kidney stone, no. But I hear they are THE WORST. Glad you’re back on your feet. And I’ll try to stop laughing now. Not at you… at the post. ~giggle~

  12. Are you sure you didn’t wish to be stoned in some earlier resolution, and this is how the universe answered you? In other news, ouch, I’ve had them before, and the words ‘fetal postion’ and ‘[insert stream of profanity here]’ pop up a lot.

  13. Molly,
    That post rocked. And I do not mean like a kidney stone.
    Le Clown

  14. So glad you survived and can tell us about it! Our dignity flies right out the window when we find ourselves in the hospital, especially unexpected! It’s like being in the Twilight Zone and when you come out you say, “What in the world was that???” Here’s to a stone-less 2014! 🙂

  15. The universe was busy this weekend fucking me over, so I’m sure it only misinterpreted your requests because it was busy denying mine. Sorry about that.

  16. Oh, lordy. If I were to be stuck in a hospital having shards of glass slide out my ureter, I would totally want to be doing that next to you.
    (Wait, did that sound creepy?)
    (That definitely sounded creepy.)
    What I meant was it’s rotten that that happened to you, and I’m so glad you have superhuman-humor powers to kick that stones ass. Feel better soon.

    • I’m so behind – please forgive the delay in response! You never sound creepy – you’re always a hoot – I love it! I’m headed over to see what you’ve been up to before I hit the pillow tonight!

  17. You can never lose your dignity when you have got humour! Not even while peeing with one of those pieces of cloth on they might have invented for patients in hospital to feel extra miserable and lowly so they will conform with directions more easily.

  18. On New Year’s day, I slipped and fell. Hard. Guess you could say I started the year with a BANG! The blue-ish tint of my cheekbone has now turned into a nice yellow-ish glow. All is good. Hope you feel better too.

  19. No, no, no! I’m so sorry, that is awful, just awful! AGH! I hope you get free of your 9,000 hour sentence soon enough!

  20. That universe is such a bitch when she’s hungover after New Year’s Eve, isn’t she? I’m just glad you are back on the mend. If it’s any consolation, I too made a pajama-clad run to the ER to open up 2014, which ended with the impromptu removal of my gallbladder since I, too, am apparently full of stones (and here I thought it was just bullshit all of these years). We really should have roomed together in the hospital — I totally would have held the curtain for you.

    • Oh my gahhhd I can’t believe you were in the ER too! I’m so sorry you had to have your gall bladder removed – que en el mundo?? We would have been awesome hospital roomies. Damn. I hope you’re up and about and feeling better now. Wine and cheese don’t consume themselves you know. We gotta get back on it!

  21. Now I see why you’re askeered a little about the year. This made me chuckle, though, so at least your pain has brought some light into the world.

    • Hooray – it’s always good to laugh : ) I loved your last post about the frontal brain thingy that I can’t remember right this second even though I read it less than six hours ago and commented there haha. Oh dear. I’m more tired than I thought! Always great to see your name pop up.

  22. Again, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’ve never had a kidney stone, but I understand they are very, very painful. I love how you were able to infuse humor into the experience, though. Sometimes you just have to laugh to avoid the tears.

  23. Mal Content says:

    Hospital administrators have the third worst senses of humor of any demographic, right behind airport security workers and vegans.

  24. Thanks for stopping by my blog today! I hope you’re feeling much better. That makes for a crazy unforgettable day…in all the wrong ways. Cheers to the rest of 2014.

  25. Why did she need to know your religion anyhow??

  26. Cheers to cocktails and merriment!

  27. hilaryfeelingbeachie says:

    You are so right… I recently had a request go terribly wrong. I got frustrated with all the drama surrounding a family vacation / party especially since a snow storm was threatening to hit around the same time. I said to someone “I am so over this already, I wish I was just going to work on Monday” and then our plane was cancelled. Our replacement plane was cancelled. We couldn’t fly out and I did have to go to work on Monday. Vacation over…

    • Gosh so sorry for the delay – I totally missed this! Que en el mundo? Anyway, I’m so sorry your vacation got shut down – that’s awful. And I totally get that feeling of wanting to leave a party before it even begins. Holidays and the two weeks after seem extra stressful in spite all the time off from work. It’s crazy! Hey I went to your avatar and I don’t see a website. Do you have a blog? I’d like to check it out if so : )

  28. Prada is one expensive religion… But at least you could put your faith and a lot of other necessities in it.

  29. OMG.

    Well, I’m glad you’re ok etc, but mainly I’m concerned that the discharge woman wasn’t at least a teensy bit grateful to get a break from the ordinary series of answers to that question, if nothing else. Last month I bought white school shoes for my son and the sales woman nearly hugged me and wept with gratitude over the fact I’d asked for white school shoes instead of black and you can’t tell me patient discharge is really that much more exciting than shoe sales? Is a slight softening of the facial expression too much to ask for?

    • White shoes sound far more impressive – well done you! And I’m sure working as the hosptial discharge person sucks in ways you and I can’t know. Loved your post about traveling with children – great advice : )

  30. Good god, what an atrocious ordeal. But what a way to turn it around and make people laugh with it! Well done!

    You number 10 — couldn’t agree more, always and under any circumstance.

    I have one for you — when I wished for a car upgrade, I did not mean for my old, uninsured one to get stolen (why did they want it?!) and then be recovered, but completely stripped, except for all the paper scraps that happened to be notes from my ex with whom I had a painful breakup…

  31. If those were precious stones you’d be singing a different tune. A song of endless pain, probably, but different nonetheless. On the bright side, you were only passing stones and not alien larvae, so that’s always nice.

  32. I, uh, have done most of these. For different reasons. Come, come read some of my posts and all will be clear.

  33. I’m glad I pay attention to blog suggestions. I’m going to enjoy this one immensely!!

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