Take it Off

I broke the fall with my hand.

At my cousin’s house.  At her kid’s birthday party.  In broad daylight.

File under:  good embarrassing times.

Here’s what was happening precisely 11 minutes before that happened:

melissa

Specifically, “Heeeeeeey!  Oh my gaahhhhhhd you’re here!  I’m so glad you came!”

We’re southern.  After the fall, I sprang to my feet and gasped, “oh mah lored, what in the WERLD?” and kept it moving.

A week later it was still “sore.”  That’s code for:  what in the fuck have I done to my hand?

As good fortune would have it, Anna had broken her wrist on the swings at school three weeks earlier.  She had an appointment the following week to have her cast removed.

anna cast

They removed it, took an x-ray and all was well.

As we were leaving I thought: hey while I’m here I should just have them do a quick x-ray of my hand.  This will confirm I didn’t break anything and I’m just being a giant baby.

I had broken a bone in my hand.

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The doctor wanted to put my arm in a cast.

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I left with a neon pink cast up to my elbow.

molly cast

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The rest of the day was awkward because I’m a grown-up with a real job, but it wasn’t disturbing.  Until I got in bed that night.

Then it became an obsession:  if something crawls into this cast while I’m asleep, I won’t know until it starts wriggling and I wake up and lose my mind.  What if something crawls in there and starts biting me?  I’LL BE TRAPPED IN CONCRETE AND WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STOP THEM!

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I guarded my cast through the night and begged the sun to rise.  Then I went back to the doctor’s office.

Receptionist:  May I help you?

Me:  Take it off.

Receptionist:  You’ll need an appointment.

Me:  Take it off.

Receptionist:  Are you having trouble sleeping?

Me:  I’m having trouble living.

Receptionist:  Let me get the doctor.

Doctor:  Here’s a prescription for anxiety.  It’s common to feel anxious – kids handle casts much better than adults.

I went straight to the pharmacy, filled the prescription and swallowed two instead of one.

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It was 43% effective…when combined with a bottle of wine.

I worried most of the day and ALL of that night.  I watched the sun rise again, and went back to the doctor’s office.

Receptionist:  May I help you?

Me:  Take it off.

Receptionist:  You’ll need an appointment.

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Me:  TAKE IT OFF!!!!!!

Receptionist:  Is the medication not working?

Me:  I will burn down this office.

Receptionist:  Let me get the doctor.

Doctor:  You should leave the cast on for at least two weeks.

Me:  There’s a medical supply store one mile from here.  I will cut off my arm and sue you.

Doctor:  Come on back.

He removed the cast with his fancy electric pizza cutter.  I don’t think I’ve ever been that happy.

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Ever.

Dr. Pizza Cutter put my arm in a removable splint so I could yank it off any time I was convinced a family of centipedes had taken up residence in it.

The splint was worn approximately 8 minutes per day for the next three weeks.

I never returned to the doctor’s office.

Because someone burned it down.

Comments

  1. Okay admittedly when I read ‘take it off’ I thought this post might have been about something else… But this was even better!

    You have a gif when it comes to selecting gifs by the way. See what I did there? Yep, I thought it was pretty awesome too. Okay, byyyyeeeee…

  2. HAHAHAHA! I love ALL of this so much.

    So this is what they meant when they said we should each be responsible for the choices involving our health care! Glad to see Dr. Molly didn’t let any trained medical professionals get in the way of her diagnosis and treatment plan.

    Please tell me that Anna gave you at least five “bitch, please” looks while you were freaking out about your cast.

    • Absolutely. I’m just not built to be confined. Even if it’s only one limb. My imagination is way too active haha. Anna was totally fine with hers because she doesn’t KNOW centipedes can take up residence in a cast. And yes, she thought I was an absolute lunatic. She was right : )

  3. This wasn’t an overreaction at all.

  4. Oh no – I hurt my hand at my last show and I’ve been putting off going to the doctor. I was thinking yesterday that it may be time to go but now I don’t wanna. Centipedes?!? I can’t deal with that…

    • As a trained medical professional in my mind, I think you should have that checked out. And also have a prescription at the ready : ) Sorry you hurt yourself – boooo.

  5. I had never even considered bugs getting in there… By GOD, I’m never getting a cast, even if I turn into a freak show with a triangular arm.

    • Oh my gahd that confetti in your eye post – shut up! I laughed my ass off and commented there, and you have a new fan/follower : ) Nice to meet you – let’s hang out! Hopefully without triangular shaped arms. Please and thank you.

  6. I’ve always been impressed by how well kids tolerate casts compared to adults. Now you’ve just confirmed my observations. 😉

  7. So I’ve never had a cast but now I know that if I get one, I will be exactly like this.

    • Hahaha – omg I hope not, but knowing how similar we are I would not be at all surprised. Call me if you need back-up when you threaten to burn down a building.

  8. oh mah lord you would not have survived as me that’s for sure. The number of times I’ve had to cast up a part of my body would make the average social worker suspicious…if anyone other than ME had ever been involved in the activities causing said injuries…and if there weren’t ALWAYS hundreds of witnesses to my stupidity.

  9. HAHA this is awesome. “I will burn this place down”. I haven’t ever had a cast but now that you mentioned the bug thing, I will never be able to get one. Ew, imagine a large spider cricket just jumping around! AH!

  10. Now I want one, too.

  11. I’ve never thought of what I would do with a cast as an adult…. If I was terrified of creepy crawlies, I’d probably do what I did the one time I had a cast. You can’t get the thing wet, so I would stick my arm in an empty bread bag while I showered. that should be safe to do while sleeping…. right?

    Somebody should invent a special thing you can put around your cast at night to keep bugs out but still let the skin breathe.

  12. I get “the itchies.” It occurs just before the perfect snooze. First something bites my back, then my head, arm – on and on. In seconds I am a thrashing mass of sharp pointy limbs. The mind is brutal! Needless to say, my bed mate thinks I am a wack job!

    Great post!

    • You know what keeps pace with buggy cast thoughts? Lice. Just hearing a story about lice will cause me to itch and check my head for nits every 23 minutes. Please don’t repeat that. It’s embarassing.

  13. I just snorted a kale smoothie out my nose.

  14. I would feel the same way, Molly! I can’t stand that feeling of creep crawlies. I hope you hand is all healed up.

  15. Hol-EEEEE FUCK, I’m laughing my fat ass off at you! This post was great. From dainty southern beauty to raving lunatic just like that! I love it and I love you and Anna is going to give you 99 kinds of fits when she’s a teen.

  16. Better your hand than your head.

    Call me Mr. Sunshine.

    How the hell did you survive childbirth? I hear that’s pretty uncomfortable. Like slamming the car door on your fingers or something like that.

    • … for hours or even days I heard …

    • Yes much better than my head. You ARE Mr. Sunshine! Having babies is easy if you get the drugs, and you know I did haha. The nurse asked me when I wanted the epidural and my response was “yesterday.” Science is your buddy. It’s living with babies that’s hard. And there aren’t really any drugs for that. Sigh.

      • Funny aside. Well, not funny. Interesting. Before they administered an epidural to my wife, they made me leave the OR and called me back when it was all over. Apparently, they were tired of having to deal with passed-out dads. I didn’t fight it. I left willingly.

  17. Hahaha!! I’m so glad I’m not your doctor. Or anyone’s doctor. I’m not very smart. Thanks for the laugh!!

  18. I think the medical term for your condition is “cast-rophobia”.

  19. Oh wow, this set off my anxiety too. Do not ever watch the show Monsters Inside Me (although it sounds like you might have already seen this show). I’m so glad they took it off for you.

    • Gasp! I just saw the trailer for that show! I’m dying to watch it, but I know I’ll never sleep again. Or be awake without feeling certain there’s something in my guts trying to eat its way out. Sigh. I’m still going to watch because that’s who I am.

      • It is terrible. If you do watch and see anything in an episode about the scalp, for your own good, I’m warning you to shut it off immediately. I still have nightmares and my scalp is starting to itch right now just from the memory of the one I saw. But again, very funny post.

  20. Very smart move on your part! You also avoided getting the frickin’ itchies a cast gives you when your skin starts to get all dried up. That can drive you insane as you attempt to put all kinds of objects in there to scratch! Very funny!

  21. This made me laugh out loud more than once! I love your over-active imagination! And your fire-starter tendencies. I’ve cleared dance-floors busting a move to that one 😉

    • I’m glad you got a kick of of my foolishness : ) And oh my gahhd your post Avotu Iela (where are all the hookers?) hahaha! Love.

      • The next one will be about my upcoming date with a Latvian guy – it’s been put back a week as his grandmother upped and very inconveniently died 😉 Dinner is tomorrow night – he’s cooking, I’m on wine duty… I’m thinking 4 bottles should be enough? 😉

  22. Oh, Molly. ~~ face palm~~ Don’t ever break your neck. Twelve weeks in a neck brace with no time off for good behaviour. 😉 You are too funny. I laughed all the way through the post.

    • Oh girl. I still don’t know how you got through that! Melting down over a stupid arm cast is silly and funny. Broken necks are NOT. You’re my hero. I know I say that every time. But it’s because it’s true : )

      • Well, I’m flattered, thank you. Frankly though, I don’t know how I did it either. But I met people during my rehab who were fighting things bigger than I was. We all just do what we gotta do. You know, like burning down the doctor’s office. LOL

  23. I was shoveling and slipped at the end of my driveway. I’m gonna say about 40% of my weight fell on my wrist, and the rest which is…. the rest fell on my ass. My ass is all better now, thanks. It was in December. However, my wrist hurts.

    Alas, I’m a guy, so I can’t very well go around saying ‘man, my wrist really hurts’ because people are cruel dicks. It’s getting better, though.

  24. Thank goodness someone else drank copious quantities of red wine as a child. I was beginning to feel self-conscious. }:-)>

  25. I’m surprised you didn’t first try drinking more wine. I know that’s what I would have done. (Or did you and you were editing that part/those parts out for brevity?)

  26. HAHAHAHAHA “I’m having trouble living.” I was giggling at this in such an unattractive way that the BF just took a secret photo of me from across the room.

  27. Oh my lord, that baby drinking wine gif is priceless! Priceless, I say.

  28. Kids handle everything better than grownups. I think it’s because they can lose their shit in the grocery store and we get the blame. If I could just throw myself down in the juice aisle and kick and scream my ass off once a week, maybe I wouldn’t be so tense. *I will NEVER, EVER AGAIN get a cast. EVER. Thank you for pointing out this danger that I had never considered.

  29. Hysterical! LoL- reminded me of when I started to hyperventilate when the zip of a knee high boot snapped and I could not pull it off. I was rolling on the floor like a demented woman and was going to slash the leather boot open in front of my highly concerned hubby. He ended up intervening and managed cooly to unzip the boot with a safety pin. My explanation to him for my demented reaction: well I am claustrophobic ….hahaha

  30. Wait – so did it heal properly?

    And the doctors office had it coming.
    Obviously

  31. Part of me is laughing. The other part is yelling at you for not keeping your cast on. But I’m still laughing.

  32. Hilarious. I’m prone to paranoia myself. I once got bitten by an unidentified insect in Vietnam and spent the following many days convinced that some alien larvae are going to hatch and burst out of my hand, like in some horror movie.

    That didn’t happen….for now.

  33. So how is the hand now, my paranoid friend? And where do you get all those hilarious GIF’s?

  34. Yeah, I don’t think my old strategy would work for centipedes – I used to stick a pencil down there because it ITCHED like a sonofabitch! (I WAS 10 when I broke my arm – a friend’s bratty, younger, dirty, bug-eating BRUTE of a sister shoved me while I was on roller-skates which landed me on my right hand. Your Hulk gif reminded me of her…)

  35. I am not alone in the world! If it’s broken or needs stitches it all gets taken care of with a carton of beer and a case of harden the fuck up. Fuck Doctors and their centipede homes!

  36. Hahahaha, this post was hilarious. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as much reading a post as in this one 😛 I love it by the way, the way you related Taylor Swift’s Shake it off (intentional or otherwise) but it was amaing 😀

  37. I am so happy I found your blog today, totally needed to laugh- I am spending the rest of my day right here on your blog- work is boring.

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