Drug Runs, Broken Toes, and a Backseat Nun.

The Cadillac Clock Hustler was the first half of the day.  This is the second half. It was already dark when we arrived at the place to meet the people with the stuff.  I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to be there.  My guess is the babysitter cancelled, or disappeared. We were invited inside a mobile […]

The Cadillac Clock Hustler.

The grown-ups were in the front seat smoking a small clump of dirt in tin foil.  I rolled my eyes and went back to my Barbies.  I figured they’d finally lost their minds and we’d be eating curtains for dinner.  Then the cloud of smoke made its way to the back seat and I started feeling […]

Playground Equipment is Nutritious.

Alfalfa sprouts look like hair. They may be “roughage” and have “more nutritional value than any kind of lettuce,” but they are also cause for unparalleled ridicule in grade school. Any grade. Every grade. Finger-pointing, guffawing, shrill yelping, “your mom packed you a hair sandwich!” That’s what alfalfa sprouts bring to the table. It’s a […]


Eva filed her nails into three distinct points so each fingernail looked like a mauve holly leaf. She was 90 and had a dead husband. Her wardrobe consisted of colorful moo-moos vastly improved by tobacco stains. She lived two doors down from us in the dumpy apartment complex we lived in when I was seven. […]

Grape Soda

I woke up in a bed that wasn’t mine, which can happen when you’re eight years old and not paying attention. I felt a lot better when I recognized the bedspread. We had the same one at home, and they’re the same in every room at the Holiday Inn unless you ask for a special […]

Family Vacations and Felonies

If you need to wear a wire for the feds on your next family vacation, keep Florida in mind. The official sunshine state offers white sandy beaches, water sports, immunity, and all-you-can-eat oranges for the kids. In our case, it was the perfect place to host a complex drug deal with a cast of criminals […]