Got Junk?

The group for the pin-up calendar photo shoot consisted of 12 friends and acquaintances. It was an 8-hour event we organized for fun and foolishness. Two days later I received an e-mail from the photographer that said, “hey take a look at these.”

Amazing turn-around time. I was impressed.

Double click…triple dick.

Yep, close and personal pics of his junk.

The southern old lady in me thought: what in the world? That was rude.

The Dirty Myrt trouble maker in me thought: motherfucker I’ma beat your ass.

Those two met in the middle and replied, “Hey don’t do that, thanks.”

He wrote back, “So sorry – I misread you.”

Oh really?

That’s surprising, because generally the impression I give people is as follows: if you have something interesting or useful to contribute, great. If your mouth is a fountain of dumb or unnecessary, please deposit a $5 bill in my outstretched palm for every idiot word that falls out of your face.

Somehow in his tiny mind, that translates into, “Hey! Please send me a picture of your junk!”

Oh and? His girlfriend of four years, who is also the mother of his offspring, was 18 feet away doing hair and make-up for the duration of the shoot.

Charming.

That’s tacky and all, but here’s what really fascinated me: that shit actually works! If it didn’t, Sir Dicksalot wouldn’t be throwing peen-spaghetti at the wall hoping something sticks.

It’s clearly a numbers game. Thus the question for me became: what ARE the numbers? And WHO are the people that get their freaky shit on as a result of an unsolicited rooster shot? Every person I passed on the street became part of my question. Her? Him? Them together?

I want to know, except I don’t. But I kind of do, you know?

My assumption is that peen-pic-boy sent his business to each girl in the calendar. Therefore, by my completely unofficial calculations, the chances for success in this game are one in 10.

The following are potential responses based solely on my imagination:

1. Horrified: nearly drops phone trying to delete.

2. Angry: “Dude your dick is in my hand right now, and while that might be cool to you, it’s not cool to me you fucktard.” Delete.

3. Nonplussed: Delete.

4. Lipstick Lesbian: “I don’t like dick, but thanks so much for thinking of me.” Delete.

5. Unavailable: “I’m in a monogamous relationship. Beat it. Pun intended.” Delete.

6. Distracted by background: “What in the crippling fuck made you buy that horrible bedspread?” Delete.

7. Embarrassed: I hope no one saw me open that. Delete.

8. Interested: “More please.” Save.

9. Self-absorbed: sends self-portrait of junk along with, “Hey check this out.” Saves for later.

10. Excited: “I’m so psyched you subconsciously knew I’m into strange! When and where can we meet?!” Save, and winner.

Conclusion: out of the 12 girls that were photographed, he probably got laid by one of them within 48 hours of wrapping that shoot.

I wonder which girl it was.

Comments

  1. That you used the word nonplussed makes me want to send you a picture of my junk. Had you used it in a previous post I’d be so embarrassed right now, sort of.

    • Hahaha – Don! My friend’s husband just sent me a pic of actual junk: a bag of stuff in their garage with DONATE on it haha! Thanks Ben : )

      • Lol, that’s funny. I’m honestly a little bit startled to learn that grown human beings actually do this sort of thing more often than I’d have ever guessed! I’ve drank my share of booze and can attest to the fact that I’ve never been drunk enough to think sending a pic of my pecker was ever a fine idea.

      • Right??? That’s the first pic like that I’ve ever received out of the blue. And I hope it’s the last. Not cool at all. Except to that one girl hahaha.

      • Lol. It’d be interesting to know if this is illegal in some places. If I knocked on your door and flashed you real fast it’d be a crime, why shouldn’t this be as well? You could have been blinded or crashed your car or something for God’s sake!

  2. I can tell that it was definitely not the the Dirty Myrt troublemaker who, by the way, had the greatest thought in the world EVER!

  3. CombatBabe says:

    Love your tag! Hahaha. On the post: That guy has some serious issues. Total whackadoo.

  4. You totally nailed what happens when no-boundaries peen wacko meets technology. Don’s right – an in-person flash is a crime. How does the technology make it okay? Is this the new meaning of “One person’s junk is another person’s treasure”?

  5. Women DON’T like getting pictures of men’s junk? Man, I’ll never understand the opposite sex.

  6. I am still trying to figure out what makes men think we want to see pictures of their junk?? To me, sexting is all kinds of fun, but unsolicited dick pictures are ass hat ridiculous. One of the reasons I quit trying the internet dating thing was that the minute you give one of those guys your phone number, they start blowing up your phone with dick pictures!!

  7. What does it say about me was that my first thought was to find the most horrific looking dick shot that I could — because, as Avenue Q taught us, the Internet is for porn — and then send that image back to him with the caption “yours looks almost as good as mine”?

    An eye for an eye, right?

    • Omfg I LOVE Ave Q – laughed my ASS off! And what that genius idea you had says about you is that you’re amayziiing (all sing-songy Broadway style). Thanks for the laugh : )

  8. A guy that used to be my boss recently found me on FB. I accepted his request because I remembered him as a cool guy who was very respectful in the work we did with people who have disabilities. One week into the FB friendship, he sent me a “short story” he had written that he thought I would “really like”. It was called Jesus and Katie. The plot (and I use that term loosely) involved Jesus doing a lot of very naughty things to Katie while the angels and saints watched from heaven and pleasured themselves. WTF?? Sometimes I hate people.

  9. This is the funniest post I’ve read in a long time! I think I may be insulted that I’ve never been misread in this way! 😉 And now I’m certain I’ll regret posting that. I’m also laughing at all the great comments, especially your friend who sent you a picture of actual junk. I’ll definitely be stealing that one! Wonderful post!!

  10. I had to come here after I saw your comment at Mary’s place. Who can resist a good peen post? Fantastic. Is it wrong that I’m kind of bummed that no one has ever sent me a picture of his junk? I feel like that girl with the limp who always got picked last when we picked teams for kickball. I’m guess no one ever sent her peen pics either. Probably.

    • Hahaha – if it makes you feel any better, that’s the only unsolicited peen shot I’ve ever received. But hopefully it’s my last. But hey I see your photo and my guess is you’re so pretty dudes are too intimidated to send you their junk : ). Going to check out your blog now. Thanks for stopping by and chiming in – nice to meet you!

  11. “Sir Dicksalot” LOL. 🙂 What goes through some people’s minds? I mean. Really…. Good thing you have a sense of humor. Yay you.

    • We must always laugh. Or we will stab people, or “staple their fingers together” as you so hilariously pointed out in your recent post : ). Thanks for chiming in – always makes me happy to see your name pop up!

  12. “Idiot word that falls out of his face” KILLED ME. Also, peen pics are the worst. Slash the most hilarious.

  13. I’m of two minds on this as well…
    1) Gross!
    2) What’s so wrong with me that I’ve never been sent a peen pic?

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