Specifically, a dinner party for six Fabulous Gay Boys. My house looked like this at 10am. If you ever find yourself in this situation, here’s what to do next.
Sweep your driveway.
Rake your yard (and then call your yard king in a panic because there’s no way you can bag the 10,947,832 leaves by hand before the sun comes up – thank you Benjamin).
Whine about the blister raking caused.
Keep it moving.
Clean your deck.
Clean your fireplace.
Go buy one of these:
And ingredients for caesar and caprese salads, lamb, asparagus, potatoes, fruit, and these:
Go home and frantically unpack said ingredients.
Chill salad plates and dessert cups like this:
Set the table:
Make a caprese salad with heirloom tomatoes.
Add buffalo mozzarella and fresh basil with olive oil and balsamic vinegar, but forget to photograph anything because you’re not Rachel Ray.
Chop garlic like this:
And rosemary like this:
And thyme like this:
And Italian parsley like this (using cheese cloth to dry for best results):
Mix with bread crumbs and set aside.
Coat lamb in olive oil, and salt and pepper and sear like this:
Rub with mayonnaise and mustard combined, pack on the the combined herbs/bread crumb mix, and bake.
Cut and coat asparagus in garlic, olive oil and salt, and bake, like this:
Almost shit your pants when the first guest arrives 15 minutes early. Run upstairs, change clothes, put on make-up, and get back downstairs in 12 minutes.
Serve Concord Smash cocktails. (Squish the grapes into a puree, strain and mix with vodka and lime)…
Also serve Vanilla Pear Vodka cocktails (vanilla bean and pear nectar), and then take a blurry photo that can’t be used.
Completely forget to photograph the Whiskey Daisy because you’re having fun.
Put together a cheese tray and forget to photograph until it looks like this:
Serve Michael’s award-winning Caesar salad and ruin Caesar salad for everyone for the rest of their life, like this:
Cut lamb and then plate like this:
Make kick-ass-secret-recipe mashed potatoes and forget to photograph them because there are 17 things happening at once.
Make a toast to the guests of honor and our very dear friends, the newlyweds (squeal!), Wil and Mark.
Enjoy dinner and hilarious conversation with a table full of some of the most awesome people on the planet. From left to right: Mark, Wil, Gustavo, Werner (empty seat because he was busy flying in from LAX and being fabulous while this toast was being made – you’ll see him later), Jaime, Carey and Kenny. Co-host image not available because he was busy making more fabulous cocktails.
Check on daughter upstairs, who’s hosting a party of her own:
Pretend you didn’t see nail polish in the bathroom and go downstairs to clear plates. Immediately realize you need nine dishwashers.
Beat together heavy whipping cream, sugar and vanilla – put in chilled dessert cups and top with fresh berries like this:
Take 37 photos to get this ONE because trying to get gay boys to agree on one image requires two judges and a few members of the UN.
Thank your fabulous beau and charming co-host for helping you pull the party out of your ass.
Air kiss everyone and tell them to GTFO because you have to get up in five hours to run a 5k.
Close the door behind them and take a moment to be thankful for the wonderful people in your life. Take another one to appreciate the progress our nation is making, and hope for even more.
Fill the dishwasher up once, observe remaining disaster, sigh dramatically, and wander upstairs to bed like Scarlett O’Hara. “I’ll think about that tomorrow.”