You know how when you get a “no” to something really important you get all bitter-shitpissed about it?
If you’re one of those wise and gentle souls who doesn’t lose their mind when they hear “no” please stop here or I’ll feel self-conscious the whole time you’re reading this post.
So you’re bitter-shitpissed about the “no” and then you tell a friend because you’re sure they’ll immediately get on board with your chicken milk bomb plan, right?
But then the universe does this weird backflippy-hiccup thing and the person looks at you and says: Oh. Well then it just wasn’t meant to be.
Then you’re all indignant and say something like: What??? I KNOW you are not trying to be all hippie-peace-Jah-love about this UN BE LIEVABLE transgression I have just suffered.
Then they say more dumb words that are completely unhelpful and false like: I know you’re really upset right now but trust me, everything is unfolding exactly as it should. Something even better will come along.
(NEVER trust anyone who says “trust me” because it’s totally obvious they’re about to lie.)
Then you say something false in return like: I’m sure you’re right.
But only because that’s the fastest way to end the conversation so you can go tell someone else you hope will respond properly: yes, I have rotten milk and chicken parts in my car right now.
I don’t know anyone like that but I’m working on it.
Then eventually, because you surround yourself with only intelligent people, no revenge is exacted, and you’re forced to be a grown-up. This sucks three pounds of country-fried ASS, but it’s the best way to move toward accepting a “no” gracefully.
In this particular case I stewed in my own juices for three months before I let the dream of the “yes” die. Then I attended the funeral in my mind wearing all black and a fancy hat with dramatic netting sweeping across my face.
After the service the craziest thing happened. Someone put a maturity roofie in my drink and my bad attitude about the “no” morphed into focusing on a new “yes”.
Fast forward six more months…Yesterday I got the biggest and best, most awesome “yes” EVER!
So what we should all take away from this story is it took a total of nine months for No to produce Yes, which means it got pregnant by a lover/cousin named Maybe, which is EXACTLY how the creators of Arrested Development chose the name for George Michael’s cousin. Except they spelled it Maeby.