The Twisty Path of No.

You know how when you get a “no” to something really important you get all bitter-shitpissed about it?

If you’re one of those wise and gentle souls who doesn’t lose their mind when they hear “no” please stop here or I’ll feel self-conscious the whole time you’re reading this post.

Thanks.

So you’re bitter-shitpissed about the “no” and then you tell a friend because you’re sure they’ll immediately get on board with your chicken milk bomb plan, right?

But then the universe does this weird backflippy-hiccup thing and the person looks at you and says: Oh.  Well then it just wasn’t meant to be.

Then you’re all indignant and say something like:  What???  I KNOW you are not trying to be all hippie-peace-Jah-love about this UN BE LIEVABLE transgression I have just suffered.

Then they say more dumb words that are completely unhelpful and false like:  I know you’re really upset right now but trust me, everything is unfolding exactly as it should.  Something even better will come along.

(NEVER trust anyone who says “trust me” because it’s totally obvious they’re about to lie.)

Then you say something false in return like:  I’m sure you’re right.

But only because that’s the fastest way to end the conversation so you can go tell someone else you hope will respond properly:  yes, I have rotten milk and chicken parts in my car right now.

I don’t know anyone like that but I’m working on it.

Then eventually, because you surround yourself with only intelligent people, no revenge is exacted, and you’re forced to be a grown-up.  This sucks three pounds of country-fried ASS, but it’s the best way to move toward accepting a “no” gracefully.

True story.

In this particular case I stewed in my own juices for three months before I let the dream of the “yes” die.  Then I attended the funeral in my mind wearing all black and a fancy hat with dramatic netting sweeping across my face.

After the service the craziest thing happened.  Someone put a maturity roofie in my drink and my bad attitude about the “no” morphed into focusing on a new “yes”.

Fast forward six more months…Yesterday I got the biggest and best, most awesome “yes” EVER!

So what we should all take away from this story is it took a total of nine months for No to produce Yes, which means it got pregnant by a lover/cousin named Maybe, which is EXACTLY how the creators of Arrested Development chose the name for George Michael’s cousin.  Except they spelled it Maeby.

NaBloPoMo November 2013

Comments

  1. What a great week. Yesterday somebody said “calm your vag” in a post and today it’s “three pounds of country-fried ASS”. Only a real Southern Lady would country fry her up some ass. Love it.

  2. Honey, with a mouth like that you are going to get kicked right out of the Junior League! I’m glad you’re hearing YES.

  3. I also attended the funeral and your hat was AWESOME!!!!!!

  4. Hahaha! Of course my no was shacking up with maybe — she can be such a skank! I also love the phrase “bitter-shitpissed.” It has a certain je ne sais quoi that really captures how I often feel about a myriad of topics, including, right now, that my freezer is not magically producing those little cups of ice cream that are half vanilla and half chocolate that I haven’t had since I was about 8 years old. I really want one of those right now, freezer, make it happen!

    • Hahaha – hooray! I love bitter-shitpissed too – it has oh so many uses. And yes your freezer needs to get it’s act together, as does mine apparently, bc those little ice creams are amazing. Hey maybe we can get our counters to make wine also!

  5. I’m always getting bitter pissed about stuff. Especially when people don’t accept my no’s.

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