Getting intimate with dolls for money

The best way to make money and edit personal space is to take naked pictures of dolls.

I know.  I’m a genius.

It didn’t start out weird (says everyone right before being arrested) – Kit was fully dressed when I took the first photo…

kit

Household purges usually result in a trip to Goodwill, but I’ve recently made two life-changing discoveries.

a) no matter how meticulous my records are, my charitable donations amount to nada on my tax return, and

b) my sister is making a bonafide buttload of money on e-bay by cleaning out her closets.

I like money.  I don’t like expensive purses I never use, designer jeans I’ll never get my fat ass into again, or American Girl dolls and all the painful tiny shit that goes with them.

You might recall my personal real life American Girl nightmare.  Well now Anna is almost as terrified of the dolls as I was the day we went to the salon for DOLLS.  Correspondingly, for the last two months all the AG dolls and paraphernalia have been stored in giant bins in the basement.  We’ve come full circle.  Kumbaya.  Now it’s time to get rid of them.

Kit was up first.  “Gently used bla bla bla…”  I was prepared to select “publish item” when it occurred to me that I should make sure she doesn’t have any damage under her clothes.  Do you know what’s creepier than unbuttoning a miniature cardigan?  Nothing.

The disrobing revealed:

IMG_4444

and this.

IMG_4443

and this:

IMG_4440

Yes, it says “pretty” across her midriff.

Clearly the “item description” on eBay needed to be revised…

description

“Item published” – yay!

I inspected the next doll for damage.  She had gold teeth.  Like a full gangster grill…and black nail polish.  I have one question:  what the fuck is happening in our playroom?  I politely painted her teeth white, removed the sad manicure and listed her for sale.

Poor Bitty Baby was next – she had a giant gash in the back of her head.  I didn’t even ask.  I listed her, too, along with 37 instruments and music books, 212 outfits with matching shoes, hats and purses, pajamas, the salon kit, and ready?  The arm cast, the leg cast, and the crutches.  Because broken bones and being immobile are FUN?  Maybe next year they’ll consider American Girl tampons, anti-depressants and rehab.

I was rolling my eyes so hard I almost broke my own skull when this e-mail came in:

e-mail 1

I grew up with drug smugglers, so I’m suspicious by nature.  I literally scoffed out loud – oh gimme a break, what a scam.

I know.  I’m so warm.  Let’s snuggle.

But then the nice part of me thought what If it’s NOT a scam.  I don’t need this doll, or the $12, and maybe this lady really does.  That will make a person grateful for a minute, eh?  Besides, if he/she is lying, they’ll step in a steaming pile of karmic shit and the world will continue to turn because that’s how the universe works.  I’m in.

email 2

 3 fix

Hooray!

laptopclap

4 5

 giphy-7

I called my sister, explained the situation and asked for her help.  She was just as excited as I was.

As the auction was drawing to a close I got an urgent call from her…

Sister (I swear too much for her to be associated with me):  Someone just outbid me with $76!!!  Should I keep bidding???

[I had no idea someone would pay that much for a busted ass doll.  I was psyched!]

Me:  Nope.  Stop bidding and let the highest bidder have it!

Sister:  Really?

Me:  Really.  New plan.

I used the proceeds to buy an American Doll gift card for $125 and mailed it with this note:

“Dear Cassandra,

Every mom deserves the opportunity to present their daughter with her own favorite American Girl Doll.  I hope Camille has a fantastic birthday!

Big love to you and yours,

XO Molly”

My sister and I probably won’t ever meet Cassandra or Camille, but we are both moms, and we both have daughters.  We know how special that moment at the mailbox will be for both of them.  Imagining their smiles made my sister and I as giddy as the little girls you see in the American Girl Doll store.

This proves what we all know deep in our hearts:  taking creepy pictures of naked dolls makes everyone happy.

Comments

  1. Tammy Ryals says:

    You, as always, are the most awesome of awesome! What a wonderful thing you have done! Love to you and Tiny!

  2. Love everything about this. I wish I had that doll!

  3. You are seriously one of the best people i know and I seriously love that Anna gave her AG dolls tattoos and fake grills. Now go take all your fancy shit to a consignment store so you can get a check next time!

    • Look here, Anna will draw on any surface – it’s a fact. I love that about her, too. Thanks for the compliment. You know I’m just trying to balance out the selfish shit I do haha! XO

  4. How much do I love you?! Almost as much as a margarita with real ingredients and good tequila, but not in a creepy way. Note for future self: Mr. Clean sponges (which an environmental friend told me are actually asbestos, she could be exaggerating) will get even Sharpie off the skin of those dolls. Seriously. My sister and my goddaughter’s mom both gifted me with two big boxes (each) of AG paraphernalia and dolls on recent visits. Which means not only did my girls score serious AGD glam for Christmas but a couple same-aged friends (whose parents are not rolling in the dough) coincidentally ALSO got AGD stuff for Christmas! (Love paying it forward!) So now they all can play together. With their previously tattooed, originally overpriced, dolls.
    So great to see you back!

    • Oh if I’m getting grouped with awesome margaritas I’m getting it right! Thanks for the tip about the Mr. Clean sponges. I’m pissed I didn’t think of that myself – I have some of those magical asbestos squares under my own kitchen sink! Crap! In other news, yay you for your huge AG score from your sister!!! Sounds like you and your pals were hooked UP. I love that : ) Great to see your name pop up, Jen. XO

  5. That’s a very sweet thing you did!

    (Molly’s address is visible despite the black line.)

  6. That is awesome. And hilarious…! What a great thing to do – see? Karma DOES pay you back! 😉

  7. Look at you! That made me all goopy inside. Nice work.

    I got skewered by American Girl to the tune of $200. One for each daughter. Actually, MORE if you want to include accessories and books. Did you visit that American Girl store when you were in Manhattan? It sucks the soul and energy right out of you.

    You don’t post enough. I want my money back.

    • Hee hoo – thanks, Mark! I hate to tell you this, but you got screwed for more than $200 – each doll is $115 before tax! It’s so crazy isn’t it? I did not visit the store when I was in NY. Visiting the one here in Atlanta almost sent me over the edge. No more of that please and thank you…Blog reading refunds are not available!!! : )

  8. That’s a super touching story. Even though I still stand by my assessment that almost all dolls are spawns of the devil and are exceedingly creepy. I’ve dedicated numerous posts on my blog to this very subject.

    Uh…the subject of dolls being creepy, that is. Not naked dolls. Just….just don’t report me, OK?

  9. I still have my Steve Austin $6 Million Man doll… um, ACTION FIGURE… somewhere in storage. Possibly naked with tattoos. Because of your wonderful gesture, I’m thinking about paying it forward. When’s your birthday, Molly?

    Truly, though — what a beautiful thing you did. That little girl’s dream is going to come true, and there’s no spirit more powerful in this world than that which is born of dreams. Well done, Molly.

    Then again, I’d expect nothing less from you 😉

    • Oh Ned – I don’t know where you find the time to write such funny and thoughtful comments on EVERY single post I write. You’re the best! And I think you should send your $6m man around the world via bloggers – like the little gnome – and start with me : ). For my birthday!

      • That’s because every single post of yours is terrific, Molly. If you get a strange package in the mail insured for $6 million, you’ll know where it came from 😉

      • Stop trying to make me cry at work!

        I’m serious about the $6M man – it would be hilarious! He could spend one day in each city and we would only find out where he is from the blog post – woot! I volunteer to let him spend the day with me at Adult Swim : )

      • I would so get in line for this! $6 million man and donofalltrades gettind drunk together and blogging sounds amazing!

  10. People still rock! Outstanding Molly, I’d almost given up.

  11. Turning creepy into confetti.
    It’s your talent.

  12. Great idea!

  13. I don’t know what it is about you that makes me love you so much, Molly (mostly in a noncreepy way), but shit like this is a huge part of it. I mean your daughter is cool as fuck for tatting up her stupid ass expensive dolls and then chucking them into storage because they’re creepy, then you score huge points for being skeptical (smart) about this woman claiming to be dirt poor and only having $12 to spare, but you helped her out anyway, without even Googling her address to see what tax bracket her neighborhood is located in I’m sure. Lol. For what it’s worth, I believe she needed your help and was truly touched by it. Giving Molly a hug after drinking many alcoholic drinks with her is on my bucket list. Truth! As you would say. Lol. What the fuck was i saying again? Anyway, you’re great and Anna is great and tattoed AG dolls are great. Oh, they built an AG doll store sort of near us and I was with Ace once driving past it when she said, “Hey, there’s an AG doll store.” My butthole puckered a little bit, and then she asked me if I knew how much they cost. “A lot I think.” was my answer. “Yeah dad, they’re like $100 or something,” She said. More puckering and some awkward silence until she said, “That’s really stupid. Who wants a doll when you can spend money like that on an iPad or something.” Hahahahaha! That’s my girl.

    • Hahaha Don! Saying your butthole is puckering will never get old!!! Ace is a smart girl – you trained her well! Hopefully we’re finished with AG forever…Thanks for this super sweet comment. You know I love you right back! I got an incredibly gracious e-mail from the mother detailing how shocked and excited they were – which dolls her daughter was considering etc. Moments like that remind me that the world is mostly a lovely a place to be : )

  14. Only you could turn creepy into heartmushy goodness. I love you and admire you so much already and now it’s all official that you are definitely my favorite human. XOXO. Love this story.

  15. You are an outstanding human being! You have single handedly renewed my faith today. I love it!

  16. As the father of a daughter who unfortunately is into American Girl dolls I can feel your pain and it should be a crime for what they charge, that being said though this is the most unselfish thing in the world. I hope that mother and her daughter enjoyed that birthday and you are still riding high on the karma wave!

    • You’re right! It’s totally criminal that they charge so much! But then again, I got a bunch of money for selling them on e-bay – woot! Thanks for chiming in!

  17. How did I miss this one? Awesome story. And I’m SO glad Anna has finally left the dark side! Those AG dolls/stores creep me the fuck out. 🙂

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