Author: mollytopia

  • Kids [sigh]

    Two hours of preparation for the Easter Cupcake and Egg Decorating party… All destroyed in 17 minutes by 10 little girls (not pictured). Then they ran out the front door “to play.” This is why I only apply myself on major holidays.

  • Here, take this with you

    When new parents are being escorted out of the hospital with their tiny human(s), they should be given this table tent for their kitchen counter, and other prominent places in their home as necessary… And it should be in a titanium case that you can magically see through because it may get “dropped” against a…

  • Victoria’s Secret is not the enemy

    There’s a ton of clamoring on the internet today about Victoria’s Secret’s new campaign: Bright Young Things. Specifically, the international panty dynasty is being blamed for objectifying women, increasing violence against women, the demise of models’ physical health and so forth. I think it’s a bit much, and here’s why. To say Victoria’s Secret is…

  • Negative Ghostrider, the salon is full

    I came here to relax, not fly my pedicure chair. #stoppit

  • Rules for Entry

    I found this posted on the door to our basement. I’m considering putting it on my office door at work as well. Except for the “no drincs” part. If things continue this way, we’re gonna need a wet bar up in this bitch, trust.

  • Where’s my yacht?

    This is fabulissss.

  • Work mouth

    Corporate jargon is so dumb it makes my face itch.  Unless there is a golf ball involved, no one should be “teeing it up” at the next meeting.  I also don’t like anyone’s chances of “ideating” unless they live on a planet where that’s a real word.  My grandmother would laugh her ass off if…

  • Chanel, what’s happening?

    Bad news:  the matching flying carpet comes separately. Good news: it flies you to Fashion Week in Paris.

  • Don’t do that.

    Pineapples are for pina coladas and stationery.

  • M is for “whom”

    Now that you’ve rescued each other, maybe you can rescue the missing M. Last seen in the dictionary.  Could be a hostage situation.

  • Hugh takes the throne

    This American Girl bed is mine. Sorry, Julie. Work it out.

  • Vagina Wars.

    It’s a bullshit war that isn’t even properly declared. It’s an ambush, and girls spend seven stupid days launching tiny cotton missiles into their vaginas.  The only way it makes sense is if they were foolishly straddling the loaded barrel of a shotgun and it went off.  At least there would be someone to blame.…

  • Que En El Mundo?

    No, no. Has Marc Jacobs lost his mind?

  • Secrets about your privates

    Latest gem from Anna: “It’s very hard to tell boys secrets about your privates when you’re in the bathroom.” Me: (Pause for internal playback) “Um, what?” And then, like the magic reserved for a gripping game of Telephone, she delivered a completely different sentence with a similar word count. Nice try, but I was a Telephone…

  • How Not To Keep A Girl

  • No Cocktails On The Lido Deck

    This is why we don’t cruise, mmmmkay?