Confessions of a Beverly Hills (adjacent) Dog Owner


I kind of wanted a baby.  I just wasn’t ready to break my vagina and gain 30 pounds.  Also, I enjoyed sleeping, and being the center of the universe.  So I adopted a little dog instead. Specifically, I ordered him before he was born and spent the next six weeks wringing my hands. I badgered the […]

How to be totally lazy while appearing productive


Right now while I’m at work the awesome people of Instacart are shopping for ALL my groceries and household items! Three personal shoppers will descend upon my house between 4-5pm with all my stuff, I will put everything away in 12 minutes, and my family will come home and think I’m a hero for keeping […]

Overachievers have more sex


My fiance was going to visit his parents, sister and brother-in-law on Saturday. It’s a six-hour drive, Fridays are always a grind for him at work, and traveling in general stresses him out. Enter me, Princess Helpsalot.  I got up extra early fully committed to making it the easiest trip in history. I framed some […]

Father’s Day Manifesto

Being a father is really hard, and we can’t thank you enough.  No, really.  It’s literally impossible to heap sufficient praise on those who spend decades trying to turn sperm into a decent human. Fortunately, you never give up, and for that we are eternally grateful. Here is my Father’s Day wish for you: You […]

It’s my BIRTHDAY – whuuuut?

Is it just me, or does this photo give you the impression I handled this party all by myself?    I’ve clearly called everyone to the table to witness the final adjustments on my birthday cake, which I probably ordered and had delivered, along with those awesome panda plates.   Obviously I chose that fabulous […]

How gross is your love?


I came across this list and I must know your opinions on the 11 Gross Signs That Your Relationship Has Reached It’s Peak Comfort Level. It’s only fair that I answer, too, so here, I’ll go first: 1. There’s no demanding need to shave. Um, yes there is. 2. You fart in front of each […]

It’s important to wear underwear when you’re stealing teeth


I’m sharing this critical information with you because a) one of my polls revealed that some of you go commando b) I recently tried to steal a tooth and I was really thankful I had on panties. If you guessed the tooth was Anna’s, you’re correct.  If you assumed this was a simple task, you’re not.  She […]


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