Confessions of a Beverly Hills (adjacent) Dog Owner

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I kind of wanted a baby.  I just wasn’t ready to break my vagina and gain 30 pounds.  Also, I enjoyed sleeping, and being the center of the universe.  So I adopted a little dog instead. Specifically, I ordered him before he was born and spent the next six weeks wringing my hands. I badgered the […]

How to be totally lazy while appearing productive

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Right now while I’m at work the awesome people of Instacart are shopping for ALL my groceries and household items! Three personal shoppers will descend upon my house between 4-5pm with all my stuff, I will put everything away in 12 minutes, and my family will come home and think I’m a hero for keeping […]

Overachievers have more sex

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My fiance was going to visit his parents, sister and brother-in-law on Saturday. It’s a six-hour drive, Fridays are always a grind for him at work, and traveling in general stresses him out. Enter me, Princess Helpsalot.  I got up extra early fully committed to making it the easiest trip in history. I framed some […]

Father’s Day Manifesto

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Being a father is really hard, and we can’t thank you enough.  No, really.  It’s literally impossible to heap sufficient praise on those who spend decades trying to turn sperm into a decent human. Fortunately, you never give up, and for that we are eternally grateful. Here is my Father’s Day wish for you: You […]

It’s my BIRTHDAY – whuuuut?

Is it just me, or does this photo give you the impression I handled this party all by myself?    I’ve clearly called everyone to the table to witness the final adjustments on my birthday cake, which I probably ordered and had delivered, along with those awesome panda plates.   Obviously I chose that fabulous […]

How gross is your love?

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I came across this list and I must know your opinions on the 11 Gross Signs That Your Relationship Has Reached It’s Peak Comfort Level. It’s only fair that I answer, too, so here, I’ll go first: 1. There’s no demanding need to shave. Um, yes there is. 2. You fart in front of each […]

It’s important to wear underwear when you’re stealing teeth

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I’m sharing this critical information with you because a) one of my polls revealed that some of you go commando b) I recently tried to steal a tooth and I was really thankful I had on panties. If you guessed the tooth was Anna’s, you’re correct.  If you assumed this was a simple task, you’re not.  She […]

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