There’s been a some concern about my lack of vacation sex. Let me explain.
1. We have two children with us who are small, but not small enough to sleep in an apparatus that requires an adult to free them.
2. One of them does not belong to us. She got into the car with us 11 minutes after returning from Vacation Bible Camp.
3. My dude and I are not wed, we sleep in the same bed, and we drink liquor.
4. I’ve already jumped in the pool in my pajamas and allowed them to eat four pounds of sugar in one sitting.
5. There are few things in life I would hate more than having to explain to our guest-child’s parents why I was naked with a man and appeared to be riding him.
6. The non-guest-child will be spending next week with her father’s parents. I’d rather her not discuss my being naked with someone who’s not their son, even though the last time that happened we had a different president, and it would have been more exciting if one of us was dressed up like the president.
7. The doors don’t have locks. They’re sliding panel doors in a fantastic modern house that’s not built for children unless you’re part of a nudist colony or prepared to shut down sweaty sex for bellyaches or general questions about planets.
8. The children we’re traveling with are totally interested in sex, and are able to pretend to be asleep long after they’re not.
9. We’re totally interested in sex, but after playing in the pool for six hours straight, preparing four meals and 19 snacks, negotiating 37 electronic devices that need charging, and keeping wet clothes off the floor, EVERY DAY, we’re so happy to check out every night, we can’t get to sleep fast enough to escape.
10. We have enough sex during the other 51 weeks out of the year we don’t mind forfeiting this one to children. We’ll be home in four days. Yes, I’m counting it down.