I was floating around the pool sipping my boat drink thinking about sex, like I do, and my thoughts drifted to this specific question: why are women so powerful and outspoken in every area of their lives except their sexuality?
This is on my mind for two reasons:
1. I read a fascinating article about a grandmother having the best sex of her life and want to be her when I grow up.
2. There are no locks on the doors at the beach house we’re staying in this week and we have a 9yo and 10yo with us.
Last year I joked about this predicament because my wordpress pals were concerned I was blogging too much and not having enough vacation sex. This year it’s on my mind without the help of my friends. Probably because I just had a birthday and I’m committed to enjoying myself and my body as much as possible while I’m still young enough to remember how.
But here’s what would happen if I got busted doing the deed:
If only one child came blasting through the door unannounced, this would happen:
Then when we got home, this same conversation would happen with some choice adults.
Risk assessment: I can’t afford that much therapy.
Why? It’s just sex. No child has ever died from walking in on their parents having sex. Smart people with psychology degrees have already figured out exactly what to say to kids (once we’re dressed of course). That includes teaching children that a closed door is as good as a locked door. Always knock.
It’s really not that deep, but to a lot of us moms it is. We have a hard time finding a comfortable place for our sexuality to exist in our lives. We’ll talk to you all day about work, a sale, play dates, and new hair products, but ask a neighbor where she buys her sex toys and the world hiccups on its axis and awkward silence falls across the land. Observe:
When I broke it down in my mind by decade, it’s clear there’s actually no point in a woman’s life where it’s totally okay to own our sexuality. We kind of rent it on weekends and special occasions. It goes a little something like this:
Ages 15-25: we live in fear of being labeled a slut.
This can ruin our reputation in high school and/or college, and prevent us from marrying a nice boy (or girl – I hope same-sex marriage is legal in your state). The Miley slut-shaming party comes to mind here. Our sexuality is put on hold until we get married.
Ages 26-35: if we’re lucky enough to find that special someone, both parties are usually focused on buying their first house, contributing to their 401k and building a stable future together. Not super sexy topics. It’s double trouble for those who choose to start a family during this decade. Sex life goes off the rails completely because new moms are drenched in baby snot, slobber and their own tears for the first two years.
Add another child to the mix and it stretches out to four years. Those images are not really synonymous with sultry sex, multiple orgasms and skillful blow jobs. Any attempt at feeling sexy usually goes like this:
Sexuality is put on hold until we get our bodies back, get eight hours of sleep and all the humans in the house know how to shit in the toilet.
Ages 36-45: We’re trying like hell to balance the demands of careers,
and children who have opinions and homework.
We also look up and notice that while we’ve been busy holding it all together, we’re officially old enough to be the mother of the girls on most magazine covers.
In spite of this, we’re in our sexual peak and determined to get our groove back. Preferably without being judged at the PTA meeting for wearing tight jeans and designer heels. Our sexuality is quietly back on the table, but what we really want is to screw on the table before it’s too late. Right after we finish these cookies for the bake sale.
Side note: if the lady in your life is in the 36-45 age group, not experiencing any medical problems, and she’s not interested in having sex, that means she’s just not interested in having sex with you.
Women can climax alone in under three minutes. Do your homework and figure out how her vagina works. If you do, she won’t want to murder you for leaving your shoes on the floor or for forgetting stuff at the store.
She also won’t view your johnson as another chore to endure:
She’ll see it as an opportunity for you to rock her world:
And probably start selling you on why sleeping naked means more sex and a happier relationship.
Ages 46-55: We’re trying to negotiate knee wrinkles when we get a spray tan, a wardrobe that’s flattering and age-appropriate, and some of us are becoming grandmothers. Sexuality might get a little sideways here while we try to figure out where the fuck the last ten years went. We’re still very interested in sex, and also praying we can retire before every day at the office looks like bring-your-grandchild-to-work day.
Not surprisingly this is the timeframe some women become cougars. It goes back to that whole learning her vagina bit. These women know most guys in their early 20’s don’t have any cash or know how to use their junk properly. But they also know they’ll have 13 more chances before the sun rises. Don’t be a statistic. Make the vagina your friend.
Ages 56-65 and beyond: At long last we’re finally secure enough with ourselves to embrace our sexuality and not give a shit what other people think.
But we feel like we need to iron our bodies and require NASA grade lube. Ohforfucksake. Personally I don’t want to wait that long to be cool about sex.
Some smart and confident women break out of these ruts before they get to this age. They learn to appreciate and express their sexuality in a way that empowers them and enhances their relationships. Amen to those women. For those of us who aren’t quite there yet and are waiting on an invitation from society, we may not get one. So, here, I made one:
Dear Awesome Beautiful You,
Your presence is hereby officially requested at the sexuality party.
Address: Your Life
Let’s keep in mind that once upon a time people were aghast that women wanted to vote, drive cars, and have careers. One day embracing our sexuality will seem as commonplace as renewing our driver’s license. But it’s up to us to blaze that trail. Naked, and immediately.