Testing Day Two: The Reckoning

I went into the hospital very happy yesterday because Monday’s results were positive. Or negative for anything bad, so that’s positive.  The first nurse I encountered recognized  me right away.  This was expected because of my anesthesia-induced verbal catastrophe the previous day.

“Weren’t you here yesterday?”

“Yes.  Did you miss me?”

“Well, we’re glad you’re here.”

That’s code for NO.

This is always an appropriate time to joke around with pretend fashion poses to make other patients and their terrified family members laugh.  No make-up and unwashed hair for two days makes it all the more entertaining.

Happy me.

Happy me.

The show lasted for one minute.  They put me on a gurney and attached 18 tubes to me so I couldn’t get up again, and then blew out another vein inserting the IV to prove their point.  My mood changed quickly.

Unhappy me.

Unhappy me.

They wheeled me into the procedure room so I could enjoy listening to Phil Collins being piped in.  Nurse Barbie played on her iPhone not noticing a patient had been presented to her.  My doctor came in, which she did notice, and while he was talking to me about what was about to happen (the three of them would be getting an up close and personal view of my hiney), I saw the plunger of Michael Jackson drug start to go down.  “Am I leaving now?  Because I don’t think he’s…” (finished talking is what I was going to say).

My eyes opened during the procedure and I glared at the anesthesiologist.  “Why am I awake, please?”  And then I wasn’t.  I’m really proud of myself for remembering to say please given the circumstances.

I woke up in the recovery room and was informed I’d be “gassy.”  There are few things a southern girl wants to hear LESS when her dude is in the same room.  My own personal rule is no matter how long you’ve been together, if your butt has something to say, take it into another room.  That’s because the one time you think oh for heaven’s sake, it’s not that big a deal and you let one go, it will sound like a linebacker.  True story.

I was hoping she meant I’d become Princess Fartsalot later that day when I’d be alone.  Two minutes later, still trapped by medical tethers, there was no denying what was about to happen.  I apologized in advance and did one of those horrifying grandpa farts that goes on so long it actually changes tone throughout.  When you’re in this situation, it’s best to make eye contact with your dude and say “I’m so sorry” over and over again until your butt agrees to stop.

Thankfully he laughed so hard he almost fell off his chair, which made me laugh so hard it happened AGAIN.  This brought the hysterics to a new level.  The nurse whipped the curtain back and gave us the children-please-lower-your-voices look.  We collapsed into another round of 12-year old cackling.  She snapped the curtain closed, and I apologized very loudly to my neighbors on either side of the curtain.  They didn’t think it was funny at all.  Apparently their asses have never gone rogue.  Good for them.

The joyous news is that in spite of embarrassing myself beyond return and annoying everyone in the building, the report came back very positive.  I will live a long and happy life if I just change my eating habits.  Specifically, my body is no longer willing to tolerate me not eating for a day or two and then consuming half a cow in one sitting.  My digestive system has become a demanding old queen who needs to be served brightly colored leafy snacks with touches of protein every few hours.

Joking aside, I couldn’t be more thankful that all this poking, prodding, passing out and passing gas translated into something so simple.  Not everyone I shared the space with yesterday will be so lucky.  Some of them may be having a very different conversation with their family and friends today.  Ones that include surgery, chemo and life expectancy.  That’s not me today, and I hope it’s not you.

With that in mind, I’ll go through my day with a new gratitude, a new happiness, and a new freedom.

And I’ll eat more broccoli.

Comments

  1. Um, hmmmm. So, yeah. Yeah. Ok then. Talk to you later.

    • Oh and I’m glad you got good results and that your flip flops are Adidas. Any other brand is unacceptable. Are they Adidas? I just guessed.

      • Of course they’re Adidas, and my toes were painted all pretty and stuff. Thank you for keeping in touch while I was torturing the staff with my antics and hoping I wasn’t dying.

  2. Omg – I almost peed my pants from laughing so hard!! (Although if that happened, it’d still be less mortifying than your “incident”!) Hahaha!

    On a more serious note… I’m glad everything came back okay!

  3. I’m glad you’re OK!

    Many of my friends have speculated that I am actually a 12 year old boy on the inside, so stories that involve uncontrolled flatulence always make me laugh out loud. Thank you for helping me start my day with a bang.

  4. Oh thank you for that. I needed that laugh! 🙂 Glad everything is okay!

  5. I am so glad this is all positive. And I laughed out loud during this post, which I rarely do b/c I am a grumpy malcontent. Love the strike a pose in picture 1.

  6. So glad all is going to be fine. I fart like a freight train and blame it on the dog.

  7. I commend you for your politeness to the anesthesiologist. I would have been a bit panicked.

  8. I always look forward to your next post eagerly, and this one did not let me down! Thanks.

  9. “it will sound like a linebacker.” You totally left me literally laughing out loud. First off, I am so very glad that everything came out well, if but a bit loud and gassy. And I can relate about having a vein blown out in an attempt to insert an IV. Happened to me two weeks ago. The thing that made recovering from that snafoo even worse, was that after my surgery (tendon repair), I was put on a blood thinner for 11 days, so the back of my hand morphed into a variety of purple, red and green rainbows (and stayed in pain) during that entire time, only healing and going away after the blood thinner was stopped.

  10. I am sooo glad you’re fine, and that you have mastered the butt trumpet!! That was f’ing hilarious!! I find farts quite funny.

  11. Oh mah lord Molly…I was having the worst damn day and I can’t thank you enough for making me laugh. I needed that. Most importantly I’m thrilled to hear that you are going to be fine. I had a little…colon scare back in my late 20’s which resulted in my Dr. telling me to stop eating like an idiot to which I replied “yeah, not gonna happen” so he said “well in that case you get to spend the rest of your life drinking Metamucil every night”. Gee thanks Doc…so me and all the AARP folks have been meeting up in the fiber aisle of the store for the last twenty years. It’s awesome. I do eat better now but there is still WAY too much dairy and red meat. Oh well…love you and thanks again for the laugh on a day when I really needed it. xoxo

  12. Well hoo to the ray train on that T Mama! I’m sorry you’re the worst day ever, but I’m glad this foolishness made you smile : ) Only you can make standing in the fiber aisle funny. Ugg. Getting old is…uh…interesting? And stupid sometimes. But it beats the hell out of being in our 20’s again, believe it. Love your face lady – so great to hear from you! XO

  13. Le Clown says:

    Molly,
    My mom says I’m not very lady like, for reasons I won’t mention here, that have nothing to do with the topic of your post… Next time, I’ll join you, we’ll share a room, and we an look groggy in sync for the camera.
    Le Clown

    • Le Clown,
      My mom says I’m not very ladylike also. She’s correct 50% of the time. Sign me up for groggy-looking photos. Can we wear matching hospital gowns, too? I hope you’re on the mend from Monday, and I’m glad you have good drugs.
      Molly

  14. Horray for your intestines simply having a case of Dowager Countess-itis! I really think that this development entitles you to wear a tiara, or at least a demure feather boa, with complete impunity whenever you want.

    I love that you both (a) rocked the hand on hip, knee out, back arched, chest out, shoulder back pose (which is ALWAYS appropriate) and (b) got shushed in the recovery room. You’ve got one good dude by your side.

    • Hahaha Dowager Countess. I love it. I’ve been an unauthorized contessa for years. And now so is my digestive system. I actually have some boas that I should incorporate into my wardrobe. But they’re not demure. Maybe that’s even better…I get shushed a lot. I’m okay with it. Yes I do have a good dude – I’m very lucky : ) Thanks for commenting and making me laugh as always!

  15. Haha, really enjoyed reading this. I tend to agree with your theory on farting in front of the boyf and hold the same fears but maybe if it’s cause for hilarity such as this I should just get over it!

  16. This made me laugh until I farted. Unfortunately, I don’t have a medical condition to blame the gas on.

  17. First things first: I’m glad to hear everything is in good working order. And that isn’t a reference to your gassiness. I live too far away to hear anything coming from your hospital room (I’m making a logical assumption… right?). Secondly, I applaud your lady-like avoidance of letting loose in front of your man. Not only does it show decorum and class, it makes actually farting even funnier. Lastly, I’m looking forward to following you. Once the gassiness passes…

    Terrific post 😉

  18. Hey thanks Ned! Yeah there’s nothing remotely cool about farting in front of your dude. In my personal (and very southern) opinion : ) I love your blog – so happy I discovered it yesterday! The coast is clear over here (with my butt), so feel free to follow the crazy train that is Mollytopia : ) See ya in your comments section!

  19. Totally creeping tonight and came across this.

    Tammy had a colonoscopy several years back. I haven’t written about it yet but it was the funniest thing ever.

    She’s all of 5′ tall and sat there in the bed ripping the loudest farts I’ve ever heard. Then she’d look up at me at say, “Was that loud?”

    Had I known how funny it would have been, I would have recorded it, like I did when she was drunk crying recently. HAHA..

    http://thelifeofjwo.com/2013/10/01/late-night-bad-decisions/

    • Oh my gahd that’s so funny!! I couldn’t even hear it (because technology hates me) and I laughed my ass off…Do write about her colonoscopy adventure. Few things are funnier than an otherwise classy girl farting like a linebacker : )

Trackbacks

  1. […] this was not my first butt rodeo, I was in the pool again and vacation was back on track the next […]

  2. […] Yes, but in my defense  I was on drugs and tethered to a wall. […]

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