This is what’s happening today if anybody says some stupid shit to me.
Note: “stupid shit” means any words that aren’t spoken or written by me.
Oh you want to know why so crabby, Princess Whineypants? My furnace-condenser-thingy is broken, I got into a texting duel with some lady who gave birth to me, my stupid cat vomited on my favorite sweater, the turtle filter stopped working AGAIN, the fish tank has so much nitrate in it even the neighbors are gasping for air, my first conference call lasted four days and three nights, and I’m totally constipated because apparently I “can’t let shit go” and it’s physically manifesting in my butt.
Heeyyyy Babies R Us just called – they want me to be their new spokesperson!
On that note, I invite you all to enjoy a splendiferous weekend. Lucky for you, it doesn’t include ME. That means you just won the Life Lottery so hard there should be newscasters and camera trucks outside your door right now.
Happy Friday, y’all!
PS please do not come at me with some nonsense about how I’m promoting violence in the workplace and defaming our dear friend, Julie Andrews. I will climb through WordPress like a spider monkey and beat your ass.