I’m thankful my uncle pretends to blow my brother at family gatherings.
And that my brother eggs him on by trying to put his tongue in his ear.
And that ultimately no decent photos can be taken because they do this.
I’m also thankful my 3yo cousin regularly moons the entire family – our legacy of being completely inappropriate is secure.
The girls are catching up – I’m sure their photo bomb tactics will improve with age and continuous exposure.
I’m also thankful it’s not uncommon in my family to hear segues like:
“Hey remember that time you jumped off that cliff nekkid?”
And then we all look around because it’s unclear who the question is directed to, and everyone in the room qualifies.
I’m thankful no one blinks when sentences start with:
“When I was a stripper at The Golden Banana…”
or end with:
“Fuck it – I’m moving to Costa Rica.”
I’m also thankful I’m from Horry County, where we have our own televised version of Dancing with the Stars.
I’m thankful that in my hometown we don’t just have hermit crabs, we have Designer Hermit Crabs.
And that beachwear stores aren’t just for airbrushed t-shirts and towels anymore.
I’m also thankful I had all this family fun last weekend. That means I don’t have to drive anywhere today, the busiest travel holiday of the year. Hooray!
I’m sitting in my house six hours away, in my underwear, doing nothing for this entire glorious day. (Image not found).
Therefore, I’m incredibly grateful I won’t be doing any of the following:
Spending two hours in the grocery store…
Getting home and wishing I had one of these.
Knowing this is the proper plan.
But doing this instead.
Because I want to avoid this.
Then spending five hours in the kitchen having this fantasy.
Feeling sad when the meal is over in 13 minutes, and the table has become a landfill crowned with a carcass.
Then wishing I had this.
But realizing I have something more like this, but I’m not as grateful as she is in the video.
This year I’m eating one pan-fried steak, zero turkey, and zero casseroles.
Then I will resume doing nothing, in my underwear, and I will be truly thankful.