Category: Parent Stuff

  • Teachers Fighting in Church.

    I received this e-mail yesterday… Dear Parents, Unfortunately there was an incident at the center this afternoon involving two teachers in a physical altercation.  No children were involved or injured. It occurred at naptime in the Toddler 1 room… [I  have to stop here because really, it’s just too genius.  Teachers fighting in the TODDLER…

  • Expectations Suck

    Anna got out of the car this morning and headed into school limp and broken-hearted.  She didn’t start out that way.  She was bright-eyed and happy and chatty when she woke up.  The soul crush was delivered by me.  I was putting her report card into her book bag when I noticed all her art…

  • Blow me

    The morning started with me warming the outfit the tiny princess so carefully selected the night before, in the dryer. Heaven forbid she put room temperature clothes on her body prior to 7am. It’s uncivilized. Then I made pancakes. With m&m’s. And delivered said pancakes with grape juice to her room. Yes, I know. Overcompensating.…

  • Go ahead and lie

    It’s fine to lie to mothers holding babies. We need the grocery store soothsayers encouraging new moms to “enjoy every minute because it goes by so fast.” Without them, some of us may have fled the country on day 11, leaving behind a baby and a stupid note. I’m 100% average, and experienced the exact…

  • University of Walgreens

    I’m trying to teach my daughter to be lazy and impatient. These skills may seem difficult to teach together, but I’ve devised a way to neatly combine them into one easy lesson, in the drive-thru pharmacy at Walgreens. That’s the ideal place to be shamefully impatient without ever having to get off your ass, or…

  • Big. Fat. Liar.

    Worst final minutes of dinner conversation.  Ever.  (with 8yo). Anna:  May I have some more green beans? me:  Sure. Anna:  Where is Berri’s vagina? (cat) me:  Seriously? Anna:  Will you show me? me:  No, we need to be respectful of her private area. Anna:  But I can see her hiney hole already. me:  Correct. Anna:…

  • Kids [sigh]

    Two hours of preparation for the Easter Cupcake and Egg Decorating party… All destroyed in 17 minutes by 10 little girls (not pictured). Then they ran out the front door “to play.” This is why I only apply myself on major holidays.

  • Here, take this with you

    When new parents are being escorted out of the hospital with their tiny human(s), they should be given this table tent for their kitchen counter, and other prominent places in their home as necessary… And it should be in a titanium case that you can magically see through because it may get “dropped” against a…

  • Victoria’s Secret is not the enemy

    There’s a ton of clamoring on the internet today about Victoria’s Secret’s new campaign: Bright Young Things. Specifically, the international panty dynasty is being blamed for objectifying women, increasing violence against women, the demise of models’ physical health and so forth. I think it’s a bit much, and here’s why. To say Victoria’s Secret is…

  • Rules for Entry

    I found this posted on the door to our basement. I’m considering putting it on my office door at work as well. Except for the “no drincs” part. If things continue this way, we’re gonna need a wet bar up in this bitch, trust.

  • Secrets about your privates

    Latest gem from Anna: “It’s very hard to tell boys secrets about your privates when you’re in the bathroom.” Me: (Pause for internal playback) “Um, what?” And then, like the magic reserved for a gripping game of Telephone, she delivered a completely different sentence with a similar word count. Nice try, but I was a Telephone…