Questions People Never Ask

There are technically 100, but I reduced them to 60, which is clearly plenty of information… Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed.  Don’t be ridiculous. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? No because I’m a picky bitch and bring my own. Do you sleep with your […]

Taste the Rainbow

That sounded like an awesome idea right up until the pediatrician clarified she didn’t mean eat more Skittles.  She meant buy, cook, and serve vegetables in every color of the rainbow. Steak is a color right? Here’s what I can cook:  beef, pasta, and potatoes.  I can also microwave green beans yay! Full disclosure:  vegetables […]

Father’s Day Manifesto

Being a father is really hard, and we can’t thank you enough.  No, really.  It’s literally impossible to heap sufficient praise on those who spend decades trying to turn sperm into a decent human. Fortunately, you never give up, and for that we are eternally grateful. Here is my Father’s Day wish for you: You […]

Gymnastic Shenanigans

Handstands onto your bed is the new hotness.  Right up until you record it… Naturally this meant I was required to try it, too… She was determined… And so was I… We became convinced if we did it simultaneously Cirque would call… Obviously this is what responsible parents do on school nights.  Happy Friday y’all […]

VIP Tuesday

Tuesday’s Very Important Poll: Take a moment to live vicariously through Melissa McCarthy in this video, and then tell us…   This poll is totally anonymous.  Your mouse-peen boss will never know how you voted.

Thank You and Good Night I Mean Morning

The only thing worse than quitting NaBloPoMo between days #1 and #29 is forgetting to hit publish on day 30.  Especially when all I had to do was say “I did it!  The end.”  Naturally I wrote a post congratulating myself on finishing this thing (no longer applicable, so now you have this post), but then […]

NaBloPoMo – Day 9,034,854

Anna and I got up at 6:40am for the Girls on the Run 5k. I wore these ridiculous Hello Kitty ear muff thingies because they give me magic powers. We went to IHOP and ate 9,000 calories afterward. Then we came home and took a three-hour nap. I woke up and my kitchen still looked […]