Alana’s divorce party starts at 6pm today and you’re invited.
We’re celebrating the fact that her jackass ex can no longer ruin
Grocery store runs
It took a long time to get from
But we’re all so glad she’s finally there. Meaning here.
Which is perfect timing because her ex-dooshbagdickfucker is getting remarried in two hours. I’m sure it will be an upscale affair since the big day was announced via gmail seven days ago.
Their wedding picture will probably resemble this:
But I don’t care – I ‘m just so happy he’s officially getting a new babysitter!
FINALLY Alana can do some partying of her own.
While remaining completely classy of course.
Kidding aside, if you’ve been through a divorce you know it’s not a party. Even when dissolution is the only solution it still sucks a giant butthole to walk away from someone you promised to love until the end of time. It sucks an even bigger butthole when the reason it’s ending is because someone won’t get their shit together. It’s easy to believe you’re not worth it, even when you know it’s not true.
The point of this post is to reassure Alana that a) she did the right thing and b) she’s worth it.
We tell her she’s dreamy all the time, but maybe it would help to hear it from you.
Here are some of her lovable qualities. Please choose a few and cast your vote for her fabulousness in the comment section.
Hand-written thank-you notes, big boobs, being a best friend, blonde hair, familiar with Prada’s 2015 resort wear, drives a German sports car and always too fast, impeccable southern manners, makes a bunch of money, loves beer like a dude, will make you laugh until you pee, always tells you the truth even if it makes you want to punch her, screams at the television during football games, will quietly listen while you whine about something right up until she needs to be a sarcastic asshole and cut through the bullshit so you can move on.
Basically she’s so perfect it’s exhausting for the rest of us.
So, starting at 6pm tonight we’re going to celebrate Alana’s freedom, and the chance for her to meet the real “one.”
It may end up like this:
From left to right: Jaime, Claire, me and Alana.
We’ll be tweeting throughout from @mollytopia and @lala_Says
Let us know if we can count on you for bail money.