Your Ticket to Board the Party Train

Alana’s divorce party starts at 6pm today and you’re invited.

We’re celebrating the fact that her jackass ex can no longer ruin

Date night

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Grocery store runs

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Christmas

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Vacations

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or mornings

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It took a long time to get from

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To

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But we’re all so glad she’s finally there.  Meaning here.

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Which is perfect timing because her ex-dooshbagdickfucker is getting remarried in two hours.  I’m sure it will be an upscale affair since the big day was announced via gmail seven days ago.

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Their wedding picture will probably resemble this:

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But I don’t care – I ‘m just so happy he’s officially getting a new babysitter!

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FINALLY Alana can do some partying of her own.

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While remaining completely classy of course.

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Kidding aside, if you’ve been through a divorce you know it’s not a party.  Even when dissolution is the only solution it still sucks a giant butthole to walk away from someone you promised to love until the end of time.  It sucks an even bigger butthole when the reason it’s ending is because someone won’t get their shit together.  It’s easy to believe you’re not worth it, even when you know it’s not true.

The point of this post is to reassure Alana that a)  she did the right thing and b) she’s worth it.

We tell her she’s dreamy all the time, but maybe it would help to hear it from you.

Here are some of her lovable qualities.  Please choose a few and cast your vote for her fabulousness in the comment section.

Hand-written thank-you notes, big boobs, being a best friend, blonde hair, familiar with Prada’s 2015 resort wear, drives a German sports car and always too fast, impeccable southern manners, makes a bunch of money, loves beer like a dude, will make you laugh until you pee, always tells you the truth even if it makes you want to punch her, screams at the television during football games, will quietly listen while you whine about something right up until she needs to be a sarcastic asshole and cut through the bullshit so you can move on.

Basically she’s so perfect it’s exhausting for the rest of us.

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So, starting at 6pm tonight we’re going to celebrate Alana’s freedom, and the chance for her to meet the real “one.”

It may end up like this:

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From left to right:  Jaime, Claire, me and Alana.

We’ll be tweeting throughout from @mollytopia and @lala_Says

Let us know if we can count on you for bail money.

Comments

  1. I will not be on the highway tonight! Congrats, Alana! You are worth it!

  2. Too bad she isn’t bitter about it, like I would be. Sounds like an awesome lady that deserves to be happy. Good luck, Alana. Have fun tonight and be safe.

  3. Hand-written thank-you notes, being a best friend, impeccable southern manners, makes a bunch of money, will make you laugh until you pee, always tells you the truth even if it makes you want to punch her, screams at the television during football games, will quietly listen while you whine about something right up until she needs to be a sarcastic asshole and cut through the bullshit so you can move on
    These are all fabulous qualities!
    I left out all of the looks-ones, as I do not care how somebody looks – unless I want that person in my bed – but sorry, girls don’t do it for me concerning that .. And I left out a few things that just are not my cup of tea, i.e. cars and drinks … yes, worse in combination!
    So, Alana – do not see this as losing something – unless you think of it as losing chains – always remember, a ring is the smallest part of a chain – and two rings are the smallest slave chain possible. In my country slavery is illegal 😉

  4. Jaime Blandino (the one with the bloody face) says:

    Alana you have been fabulous since the very second I met you, when you were introduced as, “Meet my most fabulous friend ever, please.” I cannot think of a more perfect friend to celebrate anything, everything, and nothing with, and tonight I am honored to be a part of the fabulous 4some we now call the Council. You are a million times worthy of anything and anyone worth it.

    Let the townspeople be warned. We’re coming out tonight.

    • This is such a lovely comment – you totally made Alana’s day. And yes the Council will terrorize the town. Believe it! See you at 6pm! Hahaha “the one with blood on her face.” Heart.

  5. I will not pretend to know Alana, but given that she is such a great friend — combined with the list of amazing qualities (yes, I continued past Big Boobs) — I’d have to conclude 1) Her ex is a loser, mostly for letting her go, 2) Her biggest problem following the divorce will be organizing her list of interested men (and probably a few women), and 3) She is going to make someone extremely happy, beginning with herself. As the lucky recipient of an amazing divorced woman following my own divorce eight years ago, I am speaking from experience 😉

    Have fun ladies!

    Cheers to you, Alana 😉
    (And you, too, Molly!)

    • Aw Ned – you’re the best! I’m so happy you’re divorced too : ) Thanks for this super awesome comment – you made Alana’s day : )

      • Lol! So glad to hear that I’m divorced, too 😉
        And especially that I could contribute to making Alana’s day. You girls are going to have a great time. Always.

  6. Ned is right about the women. I AM interested. Big Boobs and makes a lot of money works for me. Am I invited?

  7. Obviously, I concur with all everything awesome that is Alana. But I have a few more of my own:

    1. She’s smarter, prettier and funnier than most people, but she doesn’t rub it in your face.

    2. She gives you the advice you need to hear, not that you want to hear. When you ignore it and realize she’s right, she’ll still get you drunk and buy you Krystal burgers while you cry in her lap.

    3. She has a standing date with her friend’s 4 year old at 9 a.m. on Saturday mornings, and keeps it no matter what’s going on in her crazy busy life.

    4. She’s not afraid to get that beauty queen hair covered in mud in a relay race. She’ll just reappear hours later perfectly coiffed in her 5 inch stilettos like nothing ever happened.

    5. You could introduce her to your boss, bring her to tea at the Ritz, take her to a dive bar or a major event and know she will be perfectly at ease and fun in every situation.

    5. If you’re worthy of her friendship, she will do anything for you. She can handle a crisis with grace and élan.

    I could keep going….but I need to go hang with my kids so I can ignore them tomorrow. Because the wheels are coming off tonight bitches! Love you A! Xoxo

    • Stop making everybody cry – it’s a party dammit. I’m kidding. You’re so awesome. Thanks for this fabulous comment. Alana and I will both redo our mascara and see you very shortly. XO

  8. Normally screaming at the TV during sporting events would be a deal breaker. I’m more of a baseball fan, which relative to football, is classy and shit; it requires decorum. But since she does have big boobs without a corresponding big waist, well…she’ll have better options. Who am I kidding? I’m going to go do sit ups, or something.

  9. Better days ahead, Alana! If Molly loves you, I do too.

  10. Congratulations, Alana!
    The only thing the cops should be doing tonight is escorting you about town, and securing the party zone so no asshats get in.

    Have a great night, adn every day after!

    • El Guapo!!!!! Word. I totally agree. I hope the cops read this comment : ) Thanks for the well wishes – Alana’s beside herself. You’re awesome!

  11. Oh ladies, I’d gives left boob to be able to join you tonight. Alana, embrace your new found freedom. It sounds like you’ve lost one giant douche nozzle and gained a giant opportunity for happiness. Go you!

    • Yay Nancy! We wish you could join us too! Can we rope you in on the twitter box? And you are so right: giant dooshmonster ditched, and all the happiness in the world is up next – hooray!

  12. Bail money AND cab fare AND full breakfast at the nearest greasy spoon for all four.
    And that’s from a complete stranger.
    Remember to check your six for incoming sleazy pickup lines and never leave your wing chick alone if passing out is probable.

    • You are the absolute BEST! I so wish you were here to go out with us tonight!!!! Big love to you – Alana thanks you from the bottom of her VERY SINGLE heart : )

  13. I’ll drink to this. Here’s to hoping that the only cops that stop and frisk you are of the breakaway trousers variety!

  14. Listen…(don’t you love when it starts “listen…”?) I don’t know how much of this is written with tongue planted firmly in-cheek, but the promise to love until the end of time is one that nobody with an ounce of real-world experience would ever take literally. We all throw our hat in the ring, try our best to get over the rough patches and, yes, keep our promises, but when it doesn’t work out, I say do what you’re about to do. What else is there?

  15. ardenrr says:

    My best friend has her final hearing next Friday and she is also divorcing a douchebagdickfucker. Alana, you seem awesome, as is my friend. I can’t wait for the two of you to officially enter singledom again. The world doesn’t know what’s about to hit it (in a good way).

    Oh – And I can lend you like $5 for bail money. Just let me know via the Twitterbox and I’ll wire it…

  16. monabliss says:

    Well it’s almost time for your party to start. You’re friend sounds a lot like you Molly and that doesn’t surprise me. You have an amazing talent for collecting wonderful women in your life. So here’s to Alana’s new adventure! The shining gift of hard lessons is clarity and perspective, couple that with a great sense of humor and the right shade of lipstick and what you have, darlin’, is one helluva woman. So light it up, burn it down and piss on it when you’re done. Party on gals it’s a brand new day! xoxo

  17. Alana is GORgeous and sounds like a kickass lady. Congrats to her, and have fun channelling your inner Amy Winehouses. I can’t wait for the party stories…

  18. Alana, I am blessed to have had wonderful years knowing such a beautiful loving funny woman who I have always treasured. I celebrate with you in spirit as you deserve independence, love and respect. Hugs to you always… xoxo. …and CHEERS!!

  19. Twindaddy says:

    I’ve been divorced twice and it fucking blows…even when you know it’s the right thing to do. Your friend sounds incredible, and she is absolutely gorgeous. I hope you guys have a great time tonight and that her spirits lift soon.

  20. Friendship beats the rest and all I can say is “Lock up yer sons; they’re on the loose!” 🙂

  21. Unlike Ned, I couldn’t get past the big boobs… Hope you girls had a great (and safe) night. And welcome to the divorced club Alana!

  22. Alana, you are a BRICKHOUSE! Mighty mighty and letting it all hang out! Nothing will destroy you. 🙂

  23. Yup, you had me at beer, pee and sarcasm 🙂 She sounds like a total keeper 🙂

  24. I’ve not gone through divorce, and here’s hoping my perfect wife doesn’t realise I don’t have all my shit together…It’s been 19 years, so I guess she knows…
    Point is, having great friends like you makes everything seems better. You need to add to Alana’s list of great qualities – She has an awesome friend, who happens to be a brilliant, funny writer.
    Enjoy your party!

  25. Damn. Count on me for future escapades. I’d say her listening and then capping it off is her best quality. I love that there was a mole at the wedding and that this post swept through it like a virus of truth. Incredible.

  26. Welcome back Alana! Here’s to a lifetime of beer-fueled ass kicking instead of having to constantly kick some loser’s ass!

  27. I am way too late for the bail money, but Alana sounds awesome and Molly, you rock for blogging about her divorce party! I can’t wait to get to the recap…

  28. I’m late to the party, but I now know that it was even more fun than expected, and no bail was required.
    Of all the qualities, my clear favorite would be “will make you laugh until you pee”. I have a very stern and laughter-resistant bladder, so I doubt Alana’s magic will work on me, but I can definitely appreciate the effort. 🙂

  29. for real or nah

Trackbacks

  1. […] in a sea of draft beer and “wooooooot!”  I’m sure you remember Alana from her divorce party, and that time we crashed her ex-husband’s wedding.  Here she is with her pals, Laura and […]

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