How to Crash Your Ex’s Wedding Without Leaving the House

Meet Alana.  Saturday was her divorce party.

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It was also the day her ex-husband got remarried, and the day we discovered there was a mole at his wedding.

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Pedicures and manicures are awesome…

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They’re even more awesome when the wedding reporter joins you at the nail salon for the blow-by-blow.

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Naturally the scene began with a panic-stricken groom pacing in the parking lot.  Turns out the venue that was booked for the wedding wasn’t actually booked.  So they decided to get married in the park behind it.  Except that it wasn’t allowed, which is partly why the bride ended up in the backseat of the police car hysterically sobbing into her bouquet.

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I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

Turns out the conniption fit was a dramatic plea to have the officers drive her 86yo grandfather down the steep hill leading to the park so he wouldn’t fall before walking her down an imaginary aisle.  Being very kind policemen they agreed.  Everyone else was forced to negotiate their way down the hill into a muddy park where no chairs or photographers were allowed.  This was probably just as well because the backdrop of their wedding ended up being a random pee-wee soccer match.

While the bride ran around barking orders to anyone who would listen all the guests killed the time by checking their phones.  That’s when my previous blog post swept the wedding.

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Let me note here:  this was NOT my intention.  I wrote that post to support one of my besties ONLY.  It never occurred to me that anyone outside wordpress and my close friends who know I have a blog would see it.  But they did.  That’s when the gasping, giggling and Facebook shares began.

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Then the grandfather slipped and fell in the pine needles.

The rest of the wedding went down exactly like you’d expect it to based on the beginning:  National Lampoon’s Vacation meets Bridesmaids.

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The bride and groom were an hour late to their own reception where warm beer was served and they ran out of paper plates.  There was no first dance.  They didn’t even stay long enough to cut their cake.  They left skid marks in the parking lot trying to escape the shame of the day.

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Which explains how a chunk of their wedding cake ended up at my house.

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Told you.  Could not make this up.

Then we had dinner at No. 246 which I LOVED because CHEESE.

1.   piave vecchio, cow’s milk, veneto

2.   pecorino stagionato, sheep’s milk, tuscany

3.   fiore sardo, sheep’s milk, sardinia

4.   st. pete’s select blue, cow’s milk, minnesota

And they have pizza.  Hooray!

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Then we met Amy at Paper Plane for more celebrating because that place is perfect.  It’s like a speak-easy, but without the fear and depression.  Yay!

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This is where I exited the party train.

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The rest of the crew continued to light up the town dancing at MJQ until 3:45am Sunday morning.

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It probably looked something like this…

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Here are the texts I received the following morning:

I feel like I got hit by a slow-moving commuter train – you were smart to leave when you did.

I feel hideous enough to buy all new make-up.

He is not my boyfriend.

Last night was so fun I need wings and beer to recover.

Are we all accounted for?

Y’all.  I had such a fucking fantastic time yesterday.  Thanks to all of your lovely and crazy asses.

I’d say our divorce party was a total success.  Not because we crashed a wedding by accident, but because once again we proved we can rise above anything with the help of our friends.

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A giant thank you to the following kick-ass fantastic people who sent Alana their well wishes, and offered to bail us out of jail, which thankfully was unnecessary:

Ben from Ben’s Bitter Blog

Inhannover

Ned from Ned’s Blog

Samara from Samara Speaks

Montaignejns

OneChicklette

El Guapo

Nancy from My Year of Sweat

Blogdramedy

Edward Hotspur

Mark from Exile on Pain Street

Arden from Writing While Wineing

Mona Bliss from The Bliss Blog

Nadia from What Would Nadia Do?

Twin Daddy from Stuphblog

Jackie Mallon

Sean from Office Inbetweener

Brick House Chick

Expat eye on Latvia

Y’all are awesome humans.

Thank you for being you.

Comments

  1. SOOOOO stinkin’ funny!

  2. Fantastic!
    Glad Alana had a great time, and got even more reinforcement that her ex is an asshat.
    (Sorry grandpa slipped though.)

    • Thanks so much : ) She did have a great time and all y’all’s comments were awesome – thanks again for participating. And grandpa was not injured so hooray!

  3. Truth really is stranger than fiction. Loved the cake pic!

  4. deweydecimalsbutler says:

    This was a hilarious way to begin a Monday morning after daylight savings time. Thank you for that, and congrats to your friend.

  5. If you hadn’t said that you couldn’t make this shit up if you tried, I would have said YOU MADE IT ALL UP! Que loco! That’s what I call FRIENDSHIP!

  6. I always hate to hear about couples getting divorced. It sounds so grown up or something. Just a couple of things…First, I so love cheese! Add olives and salami and I’m in hog heaven. Two, whichever of your friends said this…”Last night was so fun I need wings and beer to recover.” Tell her that I think I might be in love with her. Lol.

    You guys rocked that divorce like champs. Sounds like this dude married down, which makes no sense to me, but whatever. Best of luck to your friend Alana. She won’t have any problem finding herself a new man, if that’s what she’s after. Okay, it seems like there was something else, but I forgot. Talk soon when I remember.

    • Trust – no one hates to hear about couples getting divorced more than divorced people. It sucks ass. But once it’s behind you life is 100% happier : ) In other news, I’m so happy and not at all surprised to hear you love cheese – hooray! I eat so much cheese my nickname is mouse : ) And yes bring on the charcuterie – love love love. And beer and wings comment was Alana – now can you see why it’s so horrifying that she’s single??? It makes ZERO sense…And yes I think her ex married down, but I’m not trying to bash that lady. She has a job and friends so she’s obviously getting something right. Time will tell. Thanks again for your well wishes to Alana – hearing from all of y’all means the world to her : )

  7. So many things I love about this post, but my favourite has to be the impaling of your middle fingers into the wedding cake. Classic.

    In unrelated news, are those Tiffany silver beads around your neck in the final picture? Yay! We are twinsies!

    • I blame cocktails for that, but it was pretty funny. I have two other choice photos but in the name of southern manners I opted not to post them : ) Those are not Tiffany beads around my neck but I’m flattered to be associated with such a fabulous brand. Thank you! They’re actually my grandmother’s – she was such a special lady. That necklace is at least 40 years old and I love it. I’m really glad my grandmother has already passed – she would disown me over this blog. Sigh.

  8. I know that it can feel gratifying when an ex has a wedding… that bad. That was really bad. I don’t think I’ve ever read a wedding story that bad. I just feel bad for the bride. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. If it were me, i would have cancelled the whole thing and picked a different date.

    • Oh girl, believe it – we felt for her, too. No one deserves that. Especially not that lady – she hasn’t done a single thing except fall in love. We all cringed and gasped audibly in the nail salon when the tale was being told. I’m with you – if that doesn’t qualify for a do-over nothing does. Maybe they’ll renew their vows in a year and have a beautiful ceremony. I hope so – every girl deserves to have the wedding she dreams of : )

  9. Haha! Oops! Oh well. Karma and all that noise…

    • Believe it. I think the technical phrase is: getting fucked with interest. I am sorry for her though. She doesn’t strike me as the kind of person who deserves to have her wedding collapse in on itself. I guess he has double bad karma. Life’s a bitch sometimes ; )

  10. Oh I’m so happy right now 🙂 I was going to be sad if we didn’t get details. Hah

  11. I’m with Carrie. That cake pic says so much about so many things. The wedding. Karma. You crazies. Could that pic find its way into ex’s inbox? That wouldn’t even qualify as passive/aggressive. That’d be pure aggression.

    • Hahaha – it’s the south – I’m sure he has seen that pic. We weren’t being aggressive I swear – if you could have seen the rest of the pics in the sequence you would see that we were all laughing at each other and having a great time : ) We even complimented their choice in cakes! The other photos did not make the post because southern manners and what have you…

      • Well, feel free to PM me those ‘inappropriate’ pics. I’ll be the judge as to whether or not they’re inappropriate.

        If that’s NOT being aggressive then I SHUDDER to think what happens when you guys get your dander roused! Yikes!

      • They weren’t inappropriate like THAT haha. Just some of the parties involved preferred not to be outed since circles of friends overlap in some cases…
        Believe it, nothing is more terrifying than an angry southern woman. They’re reserved and deliberate. A slow and polite smile is always the first shot across the bow.

  12. monabliss says:

    Honestly darlin’ I’m starting to think you moved back to Atlanta just for the material. I mean COME ON! It doesn’t get any better than that…except for the stories we can tell from our own histories eh? LOL…well done on the whole divorce party/wedding crash weekend.

  13. Is that actually Alana’s ex standing next to the police car? If so, perhaps she should make sure her upgrade knows how to wear a suit. That suit is at least a full size too large for him. It looks like he’s wearing hammer pants (as in MC Hammer).
    Good luck Alana, and don’t rush the upgrade. Being single doesn’t suck most of the time.

  14. Wow – thanks for sharing, it got my Tuesday off to a terrific start. So happy for Alana, and glad she has friends like you. Was this a sign or what? May the fates stay smiling on you all.

  15. So basically everyone but the bride and groom had a rockin’ good time.
    Karma, baby. Karma.

  16. OMG life is hilarious. She should be glad to be rid of that carnival.

  17. christymimi says:

    I’m sorry for your friend’s (initial) heartache, but DAMN, you rocked these last two blogs. I love laughing = I love your life and its retelling. Every girl should have girlfriends like Alana. Look how much happier the world would be!

  18. Every bloggers dream!!!

  19. Thank you for giving me the best thing to laugh about in several days. I’m coming out of a haze of the flu and I totally missed the party train. Hearing about this wedding has to be the best medicine to get over a divorce that I’ve ever heard. Fabulous!

  20. I’ve been looking forward to reading about this after what I saw on facebook!!! OKay I have 8% battery, hopefully enough to read your previous post…

  21. boa noite…

  22. The universe and her good pal karma really are the best, aren’t they?

    And I love you ladies even more because you all get that all you need to get through life is wings, beer, and each other. Everything else is just gravy.

  23. tanneillewis says:

    kool i like your style and interest……..

  24. Molly, I loved every word…you ladies had a better divorce party than the douche-ex had wedding. Sounds heavenly, especially the cheese. Glad Alana got off to such a fun start to her new life.

  25. Reblogged this on Motzpit and commented:
    Hmmm…

Trackbacks

  1. […] buddy Molly of Mollytopia posted a recap of her friend’s wild divorce party. Things got a little crazy. You have to read about the […]

  2. accidents says:

    accidents

    How to Crash Your Ex’s Wedding Without Leaving the House – Mollytopia

  3. […] “wooooooot!”  I’m sure you remember Alana from her divorce party, and that time we crashed her ex-husband’s wedding.  Here she is with her pals, Laura and […]

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