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Half a banana hammock?
I’m not sure what’s going on here… I wanted to believe this was a photoshop joke, but alas, it is not. This is an actual company entirely committed to f*cked up tan lines and genital discomfort. Que en el mundo? I’ll spare you any additional photos because just posting this one is making me feel like someone’s trying to touch…
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Be Awesome. It’s Easy.
I am not a product reviewer. However, if I think something is fabulous, that’s because it is, and I want the people I care about, you, to know it exists. That’s what friends are for. This is one of those things. Before you frown at the temporary pause on my mock button, please read the…
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Now THIS is News…
According to Vanity Fair, “the Duchess of Cambridge not only went out but spoke last night.” Oh dear Lord, how did a pregnant person ever manage to negotiate both of those tasks on the SAME DAY??? You can read the details about this maternity miracle here: http://vnty.fr/10DaA3L You’ll also be fascinated to know she performed this magical feat in…
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Talking? Or Scratching?
Is this dude holding the phone with his foot, AND gaming? If so, I’m impressed, and horrified. If he’s just scratching his ear, I’m only horrified. Que en el mundo?
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Grape Soda
I woke up in a bed that wasn’t mine, which can happen when you’re eight years old and not paying attention. I felt a lot better when I recognized the bedspread. We had the same one at home, and they’re the same in every room at the Holiday Inn unless you ask for a special…
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You can’t make me.
The goal was for me to be in a magical nitrous oxide haze, daydreaming about unicorns wearing Alexander McQueen. Forty minutes later, the mask was bruising my nose, and the unicorn I ordered had still not arrived. I was completely alert, staring into the face of my impatient dentist hovering over me with a drill.…
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We need to talk about Lia
I’m a technology jackass. ESPECIALLY, a twitter jackass. But I’m totally okay with it because one tweet leads me to another tweet, and another one, until I land on stuff like this: http://amzn.to/ZBS2tb I had the idea for this two years ago, so I feel totally validated as an entrepreneurial genius. My idea was only slightly…
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Whose money?
I just saw this poster in the mall. And I was like Daddy’s Money? Boohlshit – that’s MOMMY’s money. Where’s my poster, bitch? But then I realized it’s actually a real live store in your computer box. Awesome. Rage on, snarky entitled tweens – with your mom or dad’s credit card, on the couch. Parents…
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Blow me
The morning started with me warming the outfit the tiny princess so carefully selected the night before, in the dryer. Heaven forbid she put room temperature clothes on her body prior to 7am. It’s uncivilized. Then I made pancakes. With m&m’s. And delivered said pancakes with grape juice to her room. Yes, I know. Overcompensating.…
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Tightropes and Juicy Fruit
It was Sal’s job to catch the high-wire performers if they fell. He was equipped with 200 extra pounds of his own self, a hand towel, and a gymnastics mat. Catching a falling tightrope walker is an impossible task, but Sal took his role very seriously. He paced under the wire watching their every move,…
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Big Rich Atlanta
Flipping through channels, and I landed here. In five minutes, I saw: Boob cutlets removed from bra and waved around. Extensions ripped from hair at birthday party. Lawyers hired for ruining birthday party. Mother paying $8,000 per month in allowance to two daughters. Daughters claiming it’s not enough because it’s a full-time job to look…
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Don’t do that…
Here’s some practical advice: don’t put an eel in your butt. I’m so sorry to share this with you, but I can’t not. http://gawker.com/5994144/chinese-man-requires-emergency-surgery-after-the-swamp-eel-he-stuck-up-his-butt-gnaws-through-his-colon I have so many questions. Namely que en el f*cking mundo? I hate to admit it but I am RIVETED by stories like this. Absolutely fascinated by this level of human failure. …
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University of Walgreens
I’m trying to teach my daughter to be lazy and impatient. These skills may seem difficult to teach together, but I’ve devised a way to neatly combine them into one easy lesson, in the drive-thru pharmacy at Walgreens. That’s the ideal place to be shamefully impatient without ever having to get off your ass, or…
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Family Vacations and Felonies
If you need to wear a wire for the feds on your next family vacation, keep Florida in mind. The official sunshine state offers white sandy beaches, water sports, immunity, and all-you-can-eat oranges for the kids. In our case, it was the perfect place to host a complex drug deal with a cast of criminals…
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Big. Fat. Liar.
Worst final minutes of dinner conversation. Ever. (with 8yo). Anna: May I have some more green beans? me: Sure. Anna: Where is Berri’s vagina? (cat) me: Seriously? Anna: Will you show me? me: No, we need to be respectful of her private area. Anna: But I can see her hiney hole already. me: Correct. Anna:…
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Typos get you noticed
“Tit” and “nad” are my most common spelling errors in work e-mails. I’m not kidding. I’m usually in a hurry to reply, so sometimes this happens: “I’m happy to talk with her abou tit.” Send. Ogod. Then I laugh because: immature. Feel dumb because: spell-check. Forget because: Gemini. “Nad” means “and” in my world. People…
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Ready-to-what?
I love you Valentino, but ready-to-wear where? I’m not ready. But the shoes are fabulisss.
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Where are Kim’s friends?
Why did they let her leave the house in those? Sometimes the most loving thing you can say to a friend is “oh sweetie, no.”
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Easter Etiquette, in Prison.
I was 10 and dressed in my “Sundy best” prepared to visit my drug-smuggling stepfather in prison on Easter. I had a basket all prepped for him because it’s a big deal to receive hard-boiled eggs when you’re incarcerated, and because kids don’t know to ask reasonable questions like “what in the fuck?” Being dedicated…
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