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I finally learned my lesson
I regret being a birthday party fuckwit. Evidently this can happen to anyone with a vagina and a child under seven. Why? Because we’re chronically exhausted and haven’t figured out our place on the maternal spectrum yet. We want our children to think we’re heroes, and for other mothers to think we’re perfect. We’re at…
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The Pen is not Mightier than the Lipstick
Anna: Can I write my spelling words on the bathroom mirror in lipstick? Me: What? Anna: It’s for practice tonight – one of our options. Me: Sure. We had to e-mail this photo to the teacher as “proof of homework.” I love her. Pen and paper is for bitches y’all. What’s the most unusual homework…
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How to be totally lazy while appearing productive
Right now while I’m at work the awesome people of Instacart are shopping for ALL my groceries and household items! Three personal shoppers will descend upon my house between 4-5pm with all my stuff, I will put everything away in 12 minutes, and my family will come home and think I’m a hero for keeping…
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It’s important to wear underwear when you’re stealing teeth
I’m sharing this critical information with you because a) one of my polls revealed that some of you go commando b) I recently tried to steal a tooth and I was really thankful I had on panties. If you guessed the tooth was Anna’s, you’re correct. If you assumed this was a simple task, you’re not. She…
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Clearly the Solution was Fire and Urine
She had collapsed in on herself and was sobbing at the table. I patted her on the back in that awkward way which precisely conveys, “I don’t know what to do, or what to say, and I want to run from this emotional Hazmat scenario as fast as I can but I’m required by law…
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7 Truths That Make Parenting More Fun
Here’s the question I received: “Does being a mom ever get fun? My friend and I both have an infant and a toddler, and it’s so hard. Please tell us the truth.” Sometimes being a mom sucks a giant butthole. There – I said it for all of us. Now let’s exhale together and know…
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Gymnastic Shenanigans
Handstands onto your bed is the new hotness. Right up until you record it… Naturally this meant I was required to try it, too… She was determined… And so was I… We became convinced if we did it simultaneously Cirque would call… Obviously this is what responsible parents do on school nights. Happy Friday y’all…
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“Will you please start arguing???”
It’s an odd question to want to ask my 10-year-old, but clearly the best time to change parenting strategies is when you’re more than half way through… I told Anna I would buy her a new bike yesterday because she’s outgrown the one she has now. Later in the day I discovered if we put…
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Make the game your bitch
I read a post last night that made me feel like a real parental dumb-ass. I want you to read it, too. Not because I want you to feel like a dumb-ass, but because I’m interested in what the outcome of the game will be in your house. It’s designed to help kids develop a positive self-image. …
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What it Really takes to Get a Girl in Bed…
A full moon. On the wall. The rest of the galaxy on the ceiling. A salt rock light. Spa music to set the tone. Proper bedding. Namely pinky, bluey, and the Disney souvenir blanket. A dream catcher. More mood lighting. A shit-ton of giant-eyed stuffed animals, not to be confused with regular stuffed animals (plenty…
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Vanity Fare
It started with this bedtime conversation my nine-year old daughter and I had recently. Anna: Mommy I weigh too much. I weigh like 70 or 80 pounds. My belly pokes out. It’s not flat like yours. [My heart sank and then I said what most parents say.] me: Anna you’re perfect just the way you are. If…
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That one time being a giant butthole made me a nicer person.
There was a screaming baby in the observation area of the gymnastics center. Like inside the building where people with ears were present. The mother was staring into space, mindlessly bouncing and sshhing. The baby screamed louder. I took the Asshole Express to Judgementville, and then went outside to wait for the class to end. While…
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“Love Languages” sounds like a Bunch of Hippie Bullshit but it’s Not.
I don’t want to oversimplify but…there are five love languages, everyone has two favorites, and if you pay attention to them, you can improve your personal relationships by doing WAY LESS than you’re doing now. That’s right: you can be lazy AND happy. Please do buy the book because it’s worth reading. Their claim to…
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Hurricane Anna.
The category 5 kid storms always come at the end of the day… Anna: Mom can you come here please? me: Here I come. She’s naked and spread eagle on the toilet pointing to her vagina, “what is this part right here?” The part I shouldn’t be looking at? me: That’s your clitoris, or your urethra.…
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The Fiery Debate over George Clooney.
His personal character was called into question over dinner. It began innocently with the “hot and compelling” game. Some movie stars are hot, some are compelling, some are both. Naturally these critical decisions are based on what we’ve gleaned from trusted sources like People Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, and the internet. In the hot and compelling…
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Legends of Swearville
I wish there had been swearing tournaments in the 70’s. My parents would have dominated in singles and doubles, at the international level. They were swearing phenomenons. My mother ranked slightly higher than my father, with long prolific phrases like, “goddammit motherfucker cocksucking sonofabitch.” The two of them could string together profanity so artfully it…
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Midsummer’s (gri)Eve
This is an almost fabulous ensemble for a Midsummer’s Eve fete, which reminds me I say I’m going to host one every year. If you’re ready to send out invites, this year’s summer solstice falls on Friday, June 21st. It’s a perfect holiday to hang twinkly lights and wear all white without feeling cheap. Sadly this…
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Baggage Claim
These items were waiting for me when I got home tonight. I ordered them both myself, but I still felt my colon hiccup when I opened the box. It wasn’t because I live in fear of escaping a flaming house and training my 8yo to do the same. I was about to shit my pants…
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Dread of Household
There’s a spirit that seeps into your throat at night and sucks your soul out through your stomach and kills you. That’s the stuff 8 yo’s are telling each other these days to fuck each other up. That’s a party at bedtime. File under: who told you this so I can burn down their house?…
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