Category: Laugh it up

  • Testing Day Two: The Reckoning

    I went into the hospital very happy yesterday because Monday’s results were positive. Or negative for anything bad, so that’s positive.  The first nurse I encountered recognized  me right away.  This was expected because of my anesthesia-induced verbal catastrophe the previous day. “Weren’t you here yesterday?” “Yes.  Did you miss me?” “Well, we’re glad you’re…

  • I didn’t want my mouth to say that.

    The anesthesiologist was putting the Michael Jackson drug in my IV when my doctor gave the surprise instruction.  No one likes those in this setting.  He wanted me to roll onto my side.  I prefer to be in a seated position when unconscious around strangers because my butt feels safer, but I did what he…

  • Got Junk?

    The group for the pin-up calendar photo shoot consisted of 12 friends and acquaintances. It was an 8-hour event we organized for fun and foolishness. Two days later I received an e-mail from the photographer that said, “hey take a look at these.” Amazing turn-around time. I was impressed. Double click…triple dick. Yep, close and…

  • Sheep in bad dresses.

    In the midst of all the hot dog eating and fireworks, celebrating our nation’s freedom, I totally overlooked Laura Ashley’s 60th anniversary. Her daring design team is the one that created this signature look in the 80’s and 90’s, and turned my whole dormitory into a flock of sheep in bad dresses. Laura Ashley was…

  • Vacation Sex.

    There’s been a some concern about my lack of vacation sex. Let me explain. 1. We have two children with us who are small, but not small enough to sleep in an apparatus that requires an adult to free them. 2. One of them does not belong to us. She got into the car with…

  • Battle of the Blogs: Don vs. Jules

    This. Is. Amazing. Two awesome bloggers many of us follow, Don of all trades and Go Jules Go, have waged war over which is better: babies or dogs. You can see this spectacle from Don’s point of view here, and from Jules’ point of view here. They both make hilarious cases, and the commentary that ensues…

  • I can’t blame him…

    I mean, if I was a dude and I got my shit sliced, I’d be pissed also. For those of you catching up, my bunny got neutered on Tuesday. Sorry Hugh. I had it coming. I get it. No hard feelings. But no soft ones either. That new charger is coming out of your sunflower…

  • Now THIS is News…

    According to Vanity Fair, “the Duchess of Cambridge not only went out but spoke last night.” Oh dear Lord, how did a pregnant person ever manage to negotiate both of those tasks on the SAME DAY??? You can read the details about this maternity miracle here:  http://vnty.fr/10DaA3L You’ll also be fascinated to know she performed this magical feat in…

  • Talking? Or Scratching?

    Is this dude holding the phone with his foot, AND gaming? If so, I’m impressed, and horrified. If he’s just scratching his ear, I’m only horrified. Que en el mundo?

  • You can’t make me.

    The goal was for me to be in a magical nitrous oxide haze, daydreaming about unicorns wearing Alexander McQueen. Forty minutes later, the mask was bruising my nose, and the unicorn I ordered had still not arrived. I was completely alert, staring into the face of my impatient dentist hovering over me with a drill.…

  • We need to talk about Lia

    I’m a technology jackass. ESPECIALLY, a twitter jackass. But I’m totally okay with it because one tweet leads me to another tweet, and another one, until I land on stuff like this: http://amzn.to/ZBS2tb I had the idea for this two years ago, so I feel totally validated as an entrepreneurial genius. My idea was only slightly…

  • Whose money?

    I just saw this poster in the mall. And I was like Daddy’s Money? Boohlshit – that’s MOMMY’s money. Where’s my poster, bitch? But then I realized it’s actually a real live store in your computer box. Awesome. Rage on, snarky entitled tweens – with your mom or dad’s credit card, on the couch. Parents…

  • Big Rich Atlanta

    Flipping through channels, and I landed here.  In five minutes, I saw: Boob cutlets removed from bra and waved around. Extensions ripped from hair at birthday party. Lawyers hired for ruining birthday party. Mother paying $8,000 per month in allowance to two daughters. Daughters claiming it’s not enough because it’s a full-time job to look…

  • Typos get you noticed

    “Tit” and “nad” are my most common spelling errors in work e-mails. I’m not kidding. I’m usually in a hurry to reply, so sometimes this happens: “I’m happy to talk with her abou tit.”  Send. Ogod. Then I laugh because:  immature. Feel dumb because:  spell-check. Forget because:  Gemini. “Nad” means “and” in my world.  People…

  • Ready-to-what?

    I love you Valentino, but ready-to-wear where? I’m not ready. But the shoes are fabulisss.

  • Where are Kim’s friends?

       Why did they let her leave the house in those? Sometimes the most loving thing you can say to a friend is “oh sweetie, no.”

  • Kids [sigh]

    Two hours of preparation for the Easter Cupcake and Egg Decorating party… All destroyed in 17 minutes by 10 little girls (not pictured). Then they ran out the front door “to play.” This is why I only apply myself on major holidays.

  • Here, take this with you

    When new parents are being escorted out of the hospital with their tiny human(s), they should be given this table tent for their kitchen counter, and other prominent places in their home as necessary… And it should be in a titanium case that you can magically see through because it may get “dropped” against a…

  • Negative Ghostrider, the salon is full

    I came here to relax, not fly my pedicure chair. #stoppit

  • Rules for Entry

    I found this posted on the door to our basement. I’m considering putting it on my office door at work as well. Except for the “no drincs” part. If things continue this way, we’re gonna need a wet bar up in this bitch, trust.