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I do not have weed in my freezer
I’m not into that, but I am into fresh herbs. This simple concoction of Italian parsley, thyme, rosemary (and garlic) makes everything taste like you care – hooray! Chop them finely, strain the parsley with cheesecloth, add salt and pepper and bread crumbs to keep it from getting soggy. Done. Prepping food is the most time…
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The only time finding money is bad
Laundry is peaceful for me. There’s an unspoken satisfaction in it – a loving task for my family. Clean clothes are hung in the appropriate closets, and others are properly folded and placed into the correct drawers. In my heart I silently sing: Beautiful people, you have all that you need; go forth and prosper!…
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How to be a superhero in one day
Raise your hand if this has happened to you: You know a birthday is coming up. You intend to send a card. The birthday comes and goes. You think: I can send a belated birthday card. Two more weeks pass. You think: now it’s too late to send a card. I’m an asshole. ******** I…
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When did feminism get so dumb?
What’s up with all the man-hating on the internet these days? Sure some men are fantastic assholes, but there are a lot of women assholes, too. I’ve met them, and I’d say the ratio is around 50:50. Men have not cornered the market on being jerks, and I think we could all stand a little…
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Questions People Never Ask
There are technically 100, but I reduced them to 60, which is clearly plenty of information… Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed. Don’t be ridiculous. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? No because I’m a picky bitch and bring my own. Do you sleep with your…
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We need more raccoon cat rodeos and less bathroom corpses
I know this because Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, told me so in her AWESOME book, Furiously Happy, which you should buy immediately. She makes mental illness really funny! That came out wrong but my instructions for this post were to “keep writing no matter what.” I already want to put this draft in the trash,…
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NaBloPoMo Day 11
Here’s me: Totally counts as a post, right? Love you – see you tomorrow! XO
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Taste the Rainbow
That sounded like an awesome idea right up until the pediatrician clarified she didn’t mean eat more Skittles. She meant buy, cook, and serve vegetables in every color of the rainbow. Steak is a color right? Here’s what I can cook: beef, pasta, and potatoes. I can also microwave green beans yay! Full disclosure: vegetables…
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Drama Olympics
Welcome to the Drama Olympics
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“Finished” has multiple meanings
Por exemplo, to some people, “I’m finished” looks like this: To other people (me), this is the opposite of “finished.” This is more: the Chaos Gods will climb out of the earth and eat your soul if you leave it like this. I’m not saying one definition is right. I’m just objectivley noting that…
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Feline Fashion Week
Lounge on art, become art. -Olive
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Obviously I’m a unicorn
Friday, November 6th Recap: Choreographed silly dance for upcoming Flash Mob Birthday celebration. It will be legitimate blackmail for everyone involved, including me. Participated in two conference calls about very important things that I immediately forgot because Fall Festival! Parked illegally in front of Anna’s school and hauled in enough face paint for 500 elementary…
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Tips (I said tip) for an Awesome Friday…at Work.
If you want to read something positive and helpful, this post is not for you. Read Tips for an Awesome Monday instead and then close the page. THIS post is for everyone else. F – Fuck it. Start with this attitude and lean on it as hard as you can for the entire day. R – Respond…
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I finally learned my lesson
I regret being a birthday party fuckwit. Evidently this can happen to anyone with a vagina and a child under seven. Why? Because we’re chronically exhausted and haven’t figured out our place on the maternal spectrum yet. We want our children to think we’re heroes, and for other mothers to think we’re perfect. We’re at…
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Order of Seven
Holy shit – do y’all know Beth Teliho? Ask her for her autograph now because she’s going to be famous SOON. Like this famous: I read her novel Order of Seven last week and I was hooked from the first sentence! It’s a fantastic blend of mystery, adventure, and searching for one’s place in the world.…
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The Pen is not Mightier than the Lipstick
Anna: Can I write my spelling words on the bathroom mirror in lipstick? Me: What? Anna: It’s for practice tonight – one of our options. Me: Sure. We had to e-mail this photo to the teacher as “proof of homework.” I love her. Pen and paper is for bitches y’all. What’s the most unusual homework…
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How to waste $500 in three seconds
Back into the parked car in your driveway….Boom. $500 insurance deductible spent. Go into house and notify fiance you have wrecked your car, by smashing into HIS. Note that fiance is very bitter at news, and plan to purchase his favorite cookies later. Drive away and pretend none of that happened. Call insurance company and…
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Confessions of a Beverly Hills (adjacent) Dog Owner
I kind of wanted a baby. I just wasn’t ready to break my vagina and gain 30 pounds. Also, I enjoyed sleeping, and being the center of the universe. So I adopted a little dog instead. Specifically, I ordered him before he was born and spent the next six weeks wringing my hands. I badgered the…
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How to be totally lazy while appearing productive
Right now while I’m at work the awesome people of Instacart are shopping for ALL my groceries and household items! Three personal shoppers will descend upon my house between 4-5pm with all my stuff, I will put everything away in 12 minutes, and my family will come home and think I’m a hero for keeping…
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Overachievers have more sex
My fiance was going to visit his parents, sister and brother-in-law on Saturday. It’s a six-hour drive, Fridays are always a grind for him at work, and traveling in general stresses him out. Enter me, Princess Helpsalot. I got up extra early fully committed to making it the easiest trip in history. I framed some…
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