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The Tao of Hector.
It was clear to me that death was imminent: listless, poor appetite, and nearly unresponsive. So, I did what all neurotic Betta fish owners do in this situation: panic + Google. Multiple sites and gahdIhatetoadmitit message boards made me feel like a complete idiot for not realizing he was FREEZING TO DEATH. I hauled ass…
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My Teeth Have a New Boyfriend.
Nitrous Oxide should be plentiful in certain situations. Particularly parties, finance meetings, and dentistry. I’ve never experienced it in the first two, mainly because drugs are frowned upon where I work, but it’s an absolute necessity for the third. For those of you just joining us, this is the follow-up to the recent shitty dental experience I…
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Hurricane Anna.
The category 5 kid storms always come at the end of the day… Anna: Mom can you come here please? me: Here I come. She’s naked and spread eagle on the toilet pointing to her vagina, “what is this part right here?” The part I shouldn’t be looking at? me: That’s your clitoris, or your urethra.…
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When I swing past it with my ass on fire.
That’s when I recognize balance*. Specifically, Saturday before last I was in NYC doing classy things like staying at the Royalton, taking a fancy cheese class at Murray’s with the lovely Jennifer (aka @1chicklette), and having sophisticated conversations about photography, fashion week and news in the literary world. Fast forward to this past Saturday when…
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Tongues and Nude Bikinis.
I might be the only mother in America who doesn’t think Miley should be burned and fed to Satan. I’m okay with it. I’m more concerned about Anna’s taste in music than the dancing that goes along with it. If Miley Cyrus wants to get down and funky busting out her stripper moves, good for…
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The Birthday Song.
It’s this dude’s birthday today. I sure wish he was still around, but I’m super grateful for the time I had with him. Coolest guy ever. Happy Birthday, Dad.
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The Fiery Debate over George Clooney.
His personal character was called into question over dinner. It began innocently with the “hot and compelling” game. Some movie stars are hot, some are compelling, some are both. Naturally these critical decisions are based on what we’ve gleaned from trusted sources like People Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, and the internet. In the hot and compelling…
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The Lobster on your Chest.
Grown-ups should not wear bibs in public. Especially ones that feature giant clowny lobsters on them. It sends a negative message to our brain. Tonight I will fail. My food will defeat me. The waiter is in on it. It also sends a worrisome message to our fellow diners. They might think we’ve suffered a…
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Testing Day Two: The Reckoning
I went into the hospital very happy yesterday because Monday’s results were positive. Or negative for anything bad, so that’s positive. The first nurse I encountered recognized me right away. This was expected because of my anesthesia-induced verbal catastrophe the previous day. “Weren’t you here yesterday?” “Yes. Did you miss me?” “Well, we’re glad you’re…
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I didn’t want my mouth to say that.
The anesthesiologist was putting the Michael Jackson drug in my IV when my doctor gave the surprise instruction. No one likes those in this setting. He wanted me to roll onto my side. I prefer to be in a seated position when unconscious around strangers because my butt feels safer, but I did what he…
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Murder and false eyelashes.
The paper read: Local Couple Runs Away and Joins the Circus! My father had been named the new the drummer for Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus, and my bombshell of a new stepmother had been named “local gal.” Together they moved into a 10 x 10 stateroom on the circus train, and rode off…
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When shit hits fans.
I got this e-mail at work: As many of you may have heard, our friend (deleted for privacy) younger brother and his family (dfp). They did not survive. We would like to take up collections to purchase a Visa gift card to help her and the family out during this time. If you would like…
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Prada, I’m delighted. And concerned.
The pink dress on the right is hotter than hot shit and I want it. I want the bag, too. I also want this jacket, even though I think she’s fondling her nipple. Or maybe because she’s fondling her nipple. I’m not sure. That was the delighted part. Here is the concerned part. Who approved this terrifyingly stupid…
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Got Junk?
The group for the pin-up calendar photo shoot consisted of 12 friends and acquaintances. It was an 8-hour event we organized for fun and foolishness. Two days later I received an e-mail from the photographer that said, “hey take a look at these.” Amazing turn-around time. I was impressed. Double click…triple dick. Yep, close and…
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Sheep in bad dresses.
In the midst of all the hot dog eating and fireworks, celebrating our nation’s freedom, I totally overlooked Laura Ashley’s 60th anniversary. Her daring design team is the one that created this signature look in the 80’s and 90’s, and turned my whole dormitory into a flock of sheep in bad dresses. Laura Ashley was…
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Mercury.
Eva filed her nails into three distinct points so each fingernail looked like a mauve holly leaf. She was 90 and had a dead husband. Her wardrobe consisted of colorful moo-moos vastly improved by tobacco stains. She lived two doors down from us in the dumpy apartment complex we lived in when I was seven.…
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Vacation Sex.
There’s been a some concern about my lack of vacation sex. Let me explain. 1. We have two children with us who are small, but not small enough to sleep in an apparatus that requires an adult to free them. 2. One of them does not belong to us. She got into the car with…
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