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“Finished” has multiple meanings
Por exemplo, to some people, “I’m finished” looks like this: To other people (me), this is the opposite of “finished.” This is more: the Chaos Gods will climb out of the earth and eat your soul if you leave it like this. I’m not saying one definition is right. I’m just objectivley noting that…
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Obviously I’m a unicorn
Friday, November 6th Recap: Choreographed silly dance for upcoming Flash Mob Birthday celebration. It will be legitimate blackmail for everyone involved, including me. Participated in two conference calls about very important things that I immediately forgot because Fall Festival! Parked illegally in front of Anna’s school and hauled in enough face paint for 500 elementary…
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How to waste $500 in three seconds
Back into the parked car in your driveway….Boom. $500 insurance deductible spent. Go into house and notify fiance you have wrecked your car, by smashing into HIS. Note that fiance is very bitter at news, and plan to purchase his favorite cookies later. Drive away and pretend none of that happened. Call insurance company and…
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Confessions of a Beverly Hills (adjacent) Dog Owner
I kind of wanted a baby. I just wasn’t ready to break my vagina and gain 30 pounds. Also, I enjoyed sleeping, and being the center of the universe. So I adopted a little dog instead. Specifically, I ordered him before he was born and spent the next six weeks wringing my hands. I badgered the…
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It’s my BIRTHDAY – whuuuut?
Is it just me, or does this photo give you the impression I handled this party all by myself? I’ve clearly called everyone to the table to witness the final adjustments on my birthday cake, which I probably ordered and had delivered, along with those awesome panda plates. Obviously I chose that fabulous…
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Not all feet touchers are the same
I don’t like strangers scratching my head and mounting me in public. Especially when I have to pay for it. My glorious friend, P, and I decided to treat ourselves to a “foot spa” outing after work. It’s not a pedicure, you just sit in a fancy chair and people magically appear to massage your…
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But what if your crotch gets addicted?
Hey there’s a new vaginal marijuana potion that produces a 15-minute climax. Que en el mundo? Speaking of being high, this guy is trying to enter the stratosphere in an air balloon using batteries, 2-way radios, a parachute, balloons and helium. He needs your help. If you’ve built and launched your own high-altitude balloon please get in touch…
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VIP Tuesday
Very Important Poll. Because I need to know.
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The Devil is hot pink
It’s a common misconception that the Devil is red and carries a pitchfork. I want to clear that up for you right now, and I can because I met the Devil last night. I was promised all my suffering would end… and that I would be rewarded with peaceful slumber. All I had to do…
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Vacation Bucket List: Show Butt to Strangers
The conversation usually goes like this: “Hey babe – can you watch the kids for a bit? I need to go to the store for a few things.” Not like this: “Hey babe – can you watch the kids for a bit? My ass broke and I need to go to the doctor.” I prefer…
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So About That Murder…
This is the follow-up to the jury duty freak show. We walked into the courtroom and there two black teenage boys seated at a table wearing clothes that didn’t fit them. They looked like kids we see all across America every day. I figured they were in trouble for something simple like possession or underage…
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Murder, Uber and Church Pews
Failure to Appear for jury duty is not bueno. I realized this two days AFTER I was supposed to have been at the courthouse at 8:15am. The court clerk told me I better be there the following Monday or there would be serious consequences. That took me straight to Def Con 1 in my mind.…
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One of These Things Will Not Set You Free
Hey I read Aussa’s awesome post, and then immediately stole her idea, which she encouraged because she stole it from Jen at Sips of Jen and Tonic. I hope Jen stole it from someone else because then we can start a club. Anyway, welcome to the show. It’s called one of these things isn’t true. Guess…
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My Little Brony – the Truth about Ponyville
There’s a whole group of “bros” out there obsessed with My Little Pony. Yes, the animated series made for tiny children about a unicorn pony named Twilight Sparkle who goes to the magical land of Ponyville to learn lessons about friendship. These full-grown men call themselves Bronies and “brohoof” each other. They also wear My Little Pony costumes and attend Brony…
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NaBloPoMo is Totally Happening…
National Blog Post Month – I accepted the challenge. Prepare to see Mollytopia in your inbox every single day of your fantastic life until December. This can only mean one thing: it could get ugly. I’ve never posted every day. I can’t think of shit that fast except for that I do but it can…
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When I swing past it with my ass on fire.
That’s when I recognize balance*. Specifically, Saturday before last I was in NYC doing classy things like staying at the Royalton, taking a fancy cheese class at Murray’s with the lovely Jennifer (aka @1chicklette), and having sophisticated conversations about photography, fashion week and news in the literary world. Fast forward to this past Saturday when…
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Tongues and Nude Bikinis.
I might be the only mother in America who doesn’t think Miley should be burned and fed to Satan. I’m okay with it. I’m more concerned about Anna’s taste in music than the dancing that goes along with it. If Miley Cyrus wants to get down and funky busting out her stripper moves, good for…
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The Lobster on your Chest.
Grown-ups should not wear bibs in public. Especially ones that feature giant clowny lobsters on them. It sends a negative message to our brain. Tonight I will fail. My food will defeat me. The waiter is in on it. It also sends a worrisome message to our fellow diners. They might think we’ve suffered a…
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When shit hits fans.
I got this e-mail at work: As many of you may have heard, our friend (deleted for privacy) younger brother and his family (dfp). They did not survive. We would like to take up collections to purchase a Visa gift card to help her and the family out during this time. If you would like…
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Prada, I’m delighted. And concerned.
The pink dress on the right is hotter than hot shit and I want it. I want the bag, too. I also want this jacket, even though I think she’s fondling her nipple. Or maybe because she’s fondling her nipple. I’m not sure. That was the delighted part. Here is the concerned part. Who approved this terrifyingly stupid…
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