-
Father’s Day Manifesto
Being a father is really hard, and we can’t thank you enough. No, really. It’s literally impossible to heap sufficient praise on those who spend decades trying to turn sperm into a decent human. Fortunately, you never give up, and for that we are eternally grateful. Here is my Father’s Day wish for you: You…
-
It’s my BIRTHDAY – whuuuut?
Is it just me, or does this photo give you the impression I handled this party all by myself? I’ve clearly called everyone to the table to witness the final adjustments on my birthday cake, which I probably ordered and had delivered, along with those awesome panda plates. Obviously I chose that fabulous…
-
How gross is your love?
I came across this list and I must know your opinions on the 11 Gross Signs That Your Relationship Has Reached It’s Peak Comfort Level. It’s only fair that I answer, too, so here, I’ll go first: 1. There’s no demanding need to shave. Um, yes there is. 2. You fart in front of each…
-
It’s important to wear underwear when you’re stealing teeth
I’m sharing this critical information with you because a) one of my polls revealed that some of you go commando b) I recently tried to steal a tooth and I was really thankful I had on panties. If you guessed the tooth was Anna’s, you’re correct. If you assumed this was a simple task, you’re not. She…
-
Not all feet touchers are the same
I don’t like strangers scratching my head and mounting me in public. Especially when I have to pay for it. My glorious friend, P, and I decided to treat ourselves to a “foot spa” outing after work. It’s not a pedicure, you just sit in a fancy chair and people magically appear to massage your…
-
Holy shitfire!
I’m officially spending forever with this awesome, smart, handsome, and hilarious guy! Wearing this ring! And the ear-to-ear smile in the first photo! HOORAY! Obviously there were pranks and rabbits involved in the proposal – it was perfect! Note: I promise not to turn this blog into a festering wedding planning wound. It will be the same nonsense…
-
Getting intimate with dolls for money
The best way to make money and edit personal space is to take naked pictures of dolls. I know. I’m a genius. It didn’t start out weird (says everyone right before being arrested) – Kit was fully dressed when I took the first photo… Household purges usually result in a trip to Goodwill, but I’ve recently made two…
-
Clearly the Solution was Fire and Urine
She had collapsed in on herself and was sobbing at the table. I patted her on the back in that awkward way which precisely conveys, “I don’t know what to do, or what to say, and I want to run from this emotional Hazmat scenario as fast as I can but I’m required by law…
-
7 Truths That Make Parenting More Fun
Here’s the question I received: “Does being a mom ever get fun? My friend and I both have an infant and a toddler, and it’s so hard. Please tell us the truth.” Sometimes being a mom sucks a giant butthole. There – I said it for all of us. Now let’s exhale together and know…
-
Survivor’s guilt…
After all that hoopla yesterday about getting laid off, I got the call from my VP at the end of the day saying I’m safe!!! I still have my job, my paycheck, my benefits, and my tacky little office. Yay!!! I also still have my team member, who is the most amazing cohort in crime anyone…
-
Getting laid….off?
I’m sure you’ve all see the exciting news that Turner is laying off a giant chunk of its employees this week. This has prompted some worried texts, phone calls, DMs and e-mails from y’all. Firstly thank you for caring, kumbaya, and group hug. Secondly, we’ve all been aware of this upcoming chopping-block party for a while, so we’ve had plenty of time…
-
Behind the Scenes at Petit Le Mans – Road Atlanta
All-access passes to anything cool usually don’t happen to me, BUT, since my brother is extra fabulous AND the Technical Inspector for IMSA -International Motor Sports Association, we spent Saturday at Petit Le Mans, which included the following: First lap goodness…so loud it makes your sternum vibrate – yay! A kick-ass pit stop… Patrick Dempsey (obligatory):…
-
It’s time to even the score
The last two posts have featured helmet stickers for girls. This week’s are for all the awesome dudes out there. You defeat the lawn every week with heavy equipment, while sweating or freezing your balls off. Great job! You take out the trash, even when it smells like a monkey’s ass for no good reason and…
-
More Helmet Stickers for Girls
You scoop or pick up dookie that isn’t human – you rock! You make food appear in the magic box in the kitchen – hooray! You work for a normal-sized boss during the day, and then work for one or more tinier bosses all night – way to go! You do nice things with the adult penis in your house – you’re the best! If…
-
Helmet Stickers for Girls
I learned a very important piece of information about college football yesterday: boys get stickers for being good! AND they get to put them on their helmets so everyone knows how awesome they are! I LOVE stickers. But I’m not going to play football. So I made some for girls. Your hormones told you to murder…
-
Gymnastic Shenanigans
Handstands onto your bed is the new hotness. Right up until you record it… Naturally this meant I was required to try it, too… She was determined… And so was I… We became convinced if we did it simultaneously Cirque would call… Obviously this is what responsible parents do on school nights. Happy Friday y’all…
-
VIP Tuesday
Tuesday’s Very Important Poll: Take a moment to live vicariously through Melissa McCarthy in this video, and then tell us… This poll is totally anonymous. Your mouse-peen boss will never know how you voted.
-
But what if your crotch gets addicted?
Hey there’s a new vaginal marijuana potion that produces a 15-minute climax. Que en el mundo? Speaking of being high, this guy is trying to enter the stratosphere in an air balloon using batteries, 2-way radios, a parachute, balloons and helium. He needs your help. If you’ve built and launched your own high-altitude balloon please get in touch…
-
VIP Tuesday
Very Important Poll. Because I need to know.
-
“Will you please start arguing???”
It’s an odd question to want to ask my 10-year-old, but clearly the best time to change parenting strategies is when you’re more than half way through… I told Anna I would buy her a new bike yesterday because she’s outgrown the one she has now. Later in the day I discovered if we put…
mollytopia.com 