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Dobermans hate Lacoste.
Back-to-school shopping my third grade summer should have been a televised event sponsored by Lacoste. This materialistic extravaganza was made possible by the giant sea-faring drug-smuggler, my mom’s bald and bearded boyfriend. She later married him, but not until she was absolutely certain he was a bona fide criminal. No southern lady wants to make…
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Leopard Piss and Chivalry.
My dad and I were hurrying past the leopard cages on our way back to the bandstand when one of those giant cats unleashed a fountain of steamy urine right at my head. He shoved me out of the way and snapped his tuxedo jacket over his head in one quicksilver movement. The stream hit him right in the back…
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Little Ditty bout Bob and Dianne
…. two American kids doing all the drugs they can Thus . . . today is my birthday. Thanks for inviting me to the party. Y’all are the greatest.
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Happy Father’s Day
A picture is worth 1,000 words, so here’s my first and only 5,000 word post. This last photo is how I remember him best: doing what he loved most, drumming for Ringling Bros. What a fucking cool dude. Happy Father’s Day.
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Legends of Swearville
I wish there had been swearing tournaments in the 70’s. My parents would have dominated in singles and doubles, at the international level. They were swearing phenomenons. My mother ranked slightly higher than my father, with long prolific phrases like, “goddammit motherfucker cocksucking sonofabitch.” The two of them could string together profanity so artfully it…
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Breadwinners whut?
If you want a surreal experience, do this: Then find one of these: Then sit down and watch this Fox panel on how women earning more money than men is destroying America… I know this aired a few days ago, but I’m still thinking about it because really? What rock have those guys been…
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Prance-errific!
This video is beyond genius. The snarkhole in me is so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe with Best Camel Toe in 100 years? The nice human in me actually loves this woman. If someone has the balls, and it looks like she does, to prance around a busted-ass golf course to a fantastically horrific soundtrack wearing exercise…
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Midsummer’s (gri)Eve
This is an almost fabulous ensemble for a Midsummer’s Eve fete, which reminds me I say I’m going to host one every year. If you’re ready to send out invites, this year’s summer solstice falls on Friday, June 21st. It’s a perfect holiday to hang twinkly lights and wear all white without feeling cheap. Sadly this…
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Baggage Claim
These items were waiting for me when I got home tonight. I ordered them both myself, but I still felt my colon hiccup when I opened the box. It wasn’t because I live in fear of escaping a flaming house and training my 8yo to do the same. I was about to shit my pants…
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Liebster Shenanigans
I’d rather eat a deep-fried turd than say anything about myself that doesn’t naturally come up in conversation. Therefore, the requirement to “post 11 facts about yourself,” and then “answer 11 more questions about yourself” has caused me to sit on this award for so long I’m technically no longer eligible for it. Three solid…
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Dread of Household
There’s a spirit that seeps into your throat at night and sucks your soul out through your stomach and kills you. That’s the stuff 8 yo’s are telling each other these days to fuck each other up. That’s a party at bedtime. File under: who told you this so I can burn down their house?…
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Battle of the Blogs: Don vs. Jules
This. Is. Amazing. Two awesome bloggers many of us follow, Don of all trades and Go Jules Go, have waged war over which is better: babies or dogs. You can see this spectacle from Don’s point of view here, and from Jules’ point of view here. They both make hilarious cases, and the commentary that ensues…
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Class War at Pet Supermarket?
The fancy non-feeder goldfish in the other tank must have rich parents, or connections with store management. Maybe they’re the 1%ers in fish land? But why are the goldfish in the feeder tank only good enough to be fed to other fish? Are they not pretty enough? Bad poker game? You know I’m morbidly curious,…
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Mail Fail.
This might be the dumbest shit I’ve ever received in the mail. First of all, I don’t cruise. But I especially don’t cruise for $21,475, unless I own the boat when it’s over. I have no idea how I ended up on this mailing list. Clearly someone has made a terrible mistake.
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Fretting is Dumb.
This tidbit helps me put any “mistake” I think I’ve made into perspective. It’s the visual companion piece to the genius words Tamiko always says when I’m spinning out or over-thinking. “It’s not that deep honey. Let’s keep it moving.” She’s awesome. So are you. Keep it in mind.
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I can’t blame him…
I mean, if I was a dude and I got my shit sliced, I’d be pissed also. For those of you catching up, my bunny got neutered on Tuesday. Sorry Hugh. I had it coming. I get it. No hard feelings. But no soft ones either. That new charger is coming out of your sunflower…
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Yes, light-up lip gloss.
Originally posted on OneChicklette: How cool is this? My friend Chrissy was in town from San Francisco. Before we went to Lucali, we were at an event at the Darby Downstairs. When she whipped out her lip gloss in the darkened club, I was impressed. Chrissy always looks fabulous so I was expecting her lip…
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Expectations Suck
Anna got out of the car this morning and headed into school limp and broken-hearted. She didn’t start out that way. She was bright-eyed and happy and chatty when she woke up. The soul crush was delivered by me. I was putting her report card into her book bag when I noticed all her art…
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